October 2018 - Thrive Counseling

Blog Archives

Why Discipline is More Important than Motivation

Most of our clients here at Thrive Counseling have certain goals that their therapist helps them with. Common goals we see are: Improve relationships Stop feeling depressed or anxious Find a career direction Be more financially stable Get anger under control Learn from a break-up how to be a better partner Understand and stop impulsive, self-defeating behaviors In addition, most of the clients that I see also think they need to have motivation in order to work on any of these goals. I hear things like this all the time: Once I get motivated, then I know I can exercise regularly. If I could only find out how to motivate myself, then I could be better. I’ve lost my motivation and I don’t know how to get it back The Truth about Motivation Here’s the thing about motivation: it’s a feeling. Like an emotion, we experience it for a time and then it passes. It’s a pleasant feeling for sure, I love feeling motivated. I find it uplifting and energizing. However, just like any feeling or emotion, I don’t have any direct control over it. I can’t make it stay or make it go. I can’t make it more intense or less intense. I can’t conjure it when I think it would serve me. It’s true that when I have the happy circumstance of experiencing this feeling of motivation, I tend to find it easier to do things that I normally find difficult (like getting in a workout after a long day at the office, or snacking on carrots rather than cheetos). But it’s not a necessary component to do any of these things. If I really had to, I could work out even if I don’t feel motivation. My body can exercise when I feel sad, or lonely, or angry, or any number of emotions that come and go through our awareness every single day. Learning to Separate Emotions from Behaviors So here’s the trick to get around motivation; we need to stop thinking of it as the essential ingredient to do difficult things, and instead put it in it’s rightful place of something that’s a nice extra, but not the starting point. Experiencing motivation before we do a behavior (or while doing it) is like icing on the cake; it’s really lovely and it should be savored, but don’t get overly attached to it. And certainly don’t expect it or wait around for it. That’s a waste of time and energy simply because we don’t control it (it would be nice if we could, but we just can’t). If we can separate our feelings from our behaviors, we give ourselves a lot more room to act. If I give myself permission to feel anything under the sun while I do a behavior that I value (say, exercising), then I free myself up. If I wait around until I feel like exercising, I’m no longer in control (and I could be waiting a really long time). Sometimes I coach myself through this with an inner monologue something like this: I value my health. I’m choosing to do some exercise right now. Even if I hate every single minute of it, or feel angry about it, I know that my muscles and my heart and lungs don’t know or care what I’m feeling on a moment-to-moment basis. I wish I felt motivated or uplifted, but I just don’t right now, and that’s ok. Here’s Where Discipline Comes In We can think about the opposite of motivate as discipline. Discipline doesn’t mean you’re in trouble or get a punishment, not in this sense. Discipline is the ongoing practice of acting in accordance to a rule or a set of standards. The only “rule” that matters here is the one you assign yourself. Discipline is the thing that happens when you expend some effort (both physical and mental) to do a thing that in that moment, you don’t feel like doing. Everyone has discipline for certain things. People usually don’t feel like getting out of bed with their alarm every single morning; but they usually do. That little bit of effort that you use on those days that you’re rather sleep in, but instead you get up to go to work, that’s discipline. Discipline doesn’t need to be extreme or self-punishing; it’s just the choices that you make every day. The beauty of using discipline to reach goals rather than motivation is discipline is something you can control (unlike a feeling like motivation). Discipline doesn’t really take into account your thoughts or feelings. They are important, of course, but it’s your actions that move you towards your goals, not just your thoughts and feelings. Getting Started with Discipline When you’re getting started with discipline, it’s okay to start small. Set a small and achievable goal and be flexibile with yourself. What you’re looking for is to locate how it feels to let go of your immediate feelings and take a action that you value. Some clients say it’s like pushing through a stubborn door, or expending some mental effort, or the proverbial “taking it one step at a time.” It’s okay if you’re not perfect with your goal; the key is to be curious about this new way of doing things, and observe what comes up. Here’s some good self-reflection questions: Do you find yourself wishing you had different thoughts and feelings when you do this behavior? Do you find your feelings shift and change as you do this behavior? Why is this behavior important to you? Does the effort to do this behavior change day-to-day? There are not wrong answers, these are just questions to get you curious about your experience.

How the High Rents in Denver Affect your Mental Health

Millennials have been recently dubbed ‘Generation Rent’, due to the price of housing far outstripped both inflation and wage growth. Most young adults can’t afford to buy their own place (even if they wanted to), and so are ‘stuck’ renting a house or apartment. Rents in Denver are high; that’s not a surprise to anyone who has apartment-hunted recently. A recent report showed that between 2010 and 2017 average rents in Denver shot up an astronomical 48 percent. The median rent in Denver for a one-bedroom apartment is now almost $1,400. Although there are positive to renting, such as flexibility in moving and not having to worry about fixing your own leaking faucet, when rents keep rising it can have an effect on your mental health. How? Frequent Moves lead to More Stress When you’re renting, especially in Denver where rent hikes force more moving than average, it’s hard to find a sense of stability and community. Moving itself is stressful and expensive, and keeps people from investing in their homes and making their space their own. In an ideal world, your home is your safe space; a place to de-stress after a long day at work. But many renters feel that their space is not really ‘theirs’ and don’t make changes to it to make it a more calming space, like painting the walls or buying a new bathtub to soak in. Additionally, having a sense of community and knowing your neighbors is generally good for your mental health. If you’re moving around a lot, it’s very hard to develop that sense of community and have neighbors that you can count on to borrow a cup of sugar or watch your car while you’re away. In fact, a study recently found that, compared to homeowners, young renters are more likely to experience loneliness and mental health issues. Money Stress Impacts Mental Health Housing is, by far, most people’s largest expense. In pricey areas like Denver, housing far outpaces other bills. It’s well-known that experiencing financial insecurity leads to increased anxiety, depression, and a general feeling of being ‘left behind’ by peers who appear more financially stable. Even among Denver renters who can pay the bills, knowing that an emergency might cause a problem with making rent leads to increased stress. Add to that the fact that renters face the unknown more than homeowners; they don’t know what the rent will be next year. It’s been rising for over a decade, so it’s just a matter of “how much more will it be next year?” and “can I afford that or do I need to move again?” Leaving Support Networks Leads to Isolation and Loneliness When renters have to move, they inevitably leave behind the built-in social networks and support systems that they cultivated in their old hoods. Having friends and family nearby is protective of mental health. Even knowing your favorite cafes and spots for take-out is comforting. Moving away from all of that due to rising rents can feel very isolating and de-stabilizing. Feeling Like you Can’t Reach Life Goals Housing costs, and the instability of renting, can have an impact on people’s life choices; even large life choices. Housing costs is affecting how people weigh whether to enroll in graduate school and whether (or when) they have children. Even smaller life goals, such has having a space for woodworking, hosting large dinner parties for friends, or mowing your own yard, can feel very far away when housing costs are so high and people feel stuck renting a home they don’t love. In Denver, it’s easy for young adults to feel like they can’t ‘grow up’ and make informed decisions about their life, career, and family until they feel rooted in their own home.

The Mental Health Issue that is hitting Millennials the Hardest

There’s a lot of worrying about Millennials in the media. People worry about Millennials’ job prospects, their student debt, and on and on. Maybe there’s some mirroring going on here, because it turns out that the mental health issue that is hitting Millennials the hardest is Anxiety. Compared to older and younger generations, Millennials have the highest rates of Anxiety Disorders. According to the American Psychological Association, 12% of Millennials (aged 18-34) have been diagnosed at some point with an official Anxiety Disorder. That’s almost twice the rate of Baby Boomers. Other studies have found that 30 percent of working millennials are classified with general anxiety, and a 2014 American College Health Association (ACHA) assessment found that 61 percent of college students experience frequent anxiety. With such staggering numbers, millennials undoubtedly experience a great deal of stress, and subsequently, difficulty properly managing it. What might be hitting this age group particularly hard that leads to clinical levels of anxiety? Some ideas from Journalists at Huffington Post include: Unprecedented levels of Student Loan Debt A Difficult Job Market Growing up steeped in Social Media Creep of Work Hours so that you feel you always have to be ‘on’ and responsive to work tasks Poor Sleep Habits Worry about the future in the midst of historical high costs for housing and healthcare Aging Parents Here at Thrive Counseling in Denver, we hear about anxiety all the time. Some recent quotes from our Millennial clients about their anxiety are: “I feel like I can never get ahead at work. I feel like I’m always treated like ‘the kid’ and some older workers that could retire aren’t, so there’s no where to move up my company’s ladder” “It’s so hard to find a partner. I want to date but dating apps make me feel so inadequate and there’s constant rejection and just shallow conversation. I don’t really know how else to meet people.” “I’m trying to get my footing in the world, but my parents are having some health problems and need lots of help. I feel pressured to move back home to be close to them, but that’s not where I really want to be.” So, how do Millennials tend to manage stress and anxiety? They Talk Openly About It Compared to older generations, Millennials (and younger) tend to not carry a big stigma around mental health issues, including anxiety. As a result, they are much more likely to open up about their own stresses and anxieties with friend, family, and even online communities. It’s relatively easy for this age group to find peers or role models that talk about these issues without shame or embarrassment, and that’s a great trend for everyone’s mental health. They Seek Professional Help Millennials are much more likely than older generations to seek out professional help for mental health issues. Because of the reduced stigma and easier access to Therapists, Doctors, and Psychiatrists, Millennials know where to turn to for help and can find professionals in their area. Therapy used to be something you could only find in large cities, and usually there were only a handful of Therapists or Psychiatrists that worked outside hospitals and institutions. Not any more. Therapists are in every community and are easy to get in to see. Millennials know when to call in the big guns when it comes to their own well-being. They Focus on Overall Health and Wellness In a really positive trend, Millennials seem to be overall healthier than previous generations. They are focused on wellness in general; in mind, body and spirit. Millennials embrace healthy eating, yoga and exercise, and seek ways to cultivate their spiritual well-being. Unhealthy behaviors like smoking and drinking are at record lows among young people. Millennials are the age group most interested in fresh and healthy foods. All of this adds up to a lifestyle that combats stress and anxiety. Often in counseling and therapy we touch on lifestyle changes like these to improve mental health in general, and specifically target anxiety.