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Are You a People-Pleaser? Here’s What You Need to Know

By: Jessica Taylor, LPC Are you worried that you might be a people-pleaser?  As a therapist, I know that people-pleasing is something that a lot of people struggle with.  Clients are constantly asking me to help them stop being such a people-pleaser. If you think that you might be a people-pleaser, keep reading to learn about the traits of people-pleasing, how it can negatively impact your life, and how to stop engaging in people-pleasing behaviors. A Few Initial Thoughts on People-Pleasing  First, I kind of despise that term- “people pleasing.”  I think that we need to find a different one.  Maybe I’m alone in this, but I think it has a negative sound to it, when in reality, people-pleasing should not be something considered shameful, as it is so common!  And it actually has some positive aspects to it.  It often means that you care about other people and that you value forming connections with others. But despite all of that, the tendency to people-please does need to be addressed, because people-pleasing ultimately means you are putting yourself completely on the backburner. You are worthy of connections that are not reliant on you putting your needs, emotions, etc. on the side in order to keep other people happy.  And finally, the people who genuinely love and care for you don’t want you to put your needs last.  They want you to speak up and get your needs met and your feelings heard! Are You a People-Pleaser? Are you unsure of whether you even are a people pleaser?  Well, then ask yourself these questions: Do you struggle to say ‘no’ or set appropriate boundaries with others? Are you scared of others being mad at you, or seeing you in a negative light? Do you feel like your needs come after everyone else’s? Do you want everyone to like you, even the people that you don’t like? Do you ruminate or obsess about what others think of you? Are you always saying “sorry” for things, even if they weren’t your fault? Do you feel as though you hide your “true self” because you are worried others won’t like what they see? Do you struggle with low self-esteem, as evidenced by often buying into negative thoughts about yourself? If you answered yes to a lot of these questions, you are probably a people pleaser.  ` How People-Pleasing Can Negatively Impact Your Life There are a lot of negative ways that “people pleasing” can impact our daily functioning, our self-esteem, and mental health. Here are a few of those ways: –You are setting a bad precedent in relationships. –You could get taken advantage of. –It can cause resentments and hurt feelings in your relationships –It will lower your self-esteem. –It can lead to symptoms of anxiety or depression. If You’re a People-Pleaser, What Should You Do About it? You must believe that you CAN stop people-pleasing! Start by repeating after me: “Not everyone needs to like me! Not every single person is my “cup of tea,” so why would I be every single person’s “cup of tea?” Of course, knowing that someone is mad at you, or doesn’t like you is an uncomfortable feeling, but is avoiding that discomfort worth feeling like a doormat? Get real with yourself—explore where the people-pleasing comes from (i.e.: trauma, family systems, low self-esteem) This work is best done with a therapist, because simply put, it can be painful or just kind of hard to do on your own, without an outside perspective. Spend time WITH yourself, not just BY yourself. This can be done by doing things like journaling or meditating about your thoughts and feelings. Find and engage in hobbies that make you feel good and/or challenge you. Write down the personal traits and skills that you want to develop. List the things that you already like about yourself. Say “no” to something and sit with any uncomfortable feelings that come up with that. REPEAT! This takes practice and the urge to people-please may always come up, but if you keep practicing these things, then the people-pleasing behaviors will become less powerful over time. Your self-worth will become more powerful than the urge to people-please. So, there you have it! How to start the process of not being a people-pleaser any longer.  If you feel that you might need help in your journey to stop people-pleasing, therapy is a great place to start.

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sleep hygiene

Are You Struggling with Insomnia? The Problem Might be Your Sleep Hygiene

Jessica Taylor, LPC Why Do So Many of Us Struggle with Sleep? I’m guessing you clicked on this blog post because you are struggling with at least one aspect of sleep.  Falling asleep, staying asleep, or nightmares and vivid dreams waking you up in the middle of the night. Getting enough sleep is essential to our productivity and maintaining good mental health. Yet, statistics show that between 37 and 40 percent of adults report not getting enough sleep, also known as sleep deprivation. Why is that?  Well, when working with my clients, and doing a quick assessment of their sleep hygiene, I almost always immediately notice something they are doing or not doing that is probably hurting their sleep quality or quantity. To improve our sleep, we must first address our sleep hygiene. Sleep hygiene is defined as the things in our life (like behaviors, habits, and environmental factors) that can be shifted to improve our sleep. Here are the do’s and don’ts of sleep hygiene. And before you hear some of these and say “yeah, duh, those are obvious!” Ask yourself: how any of the do’s am I actually doing and how many of the don’ts am I doing.  You might be surprised by how bad your sleep hygiene is! The Do’s and Don’ts of Sleep Hygiene DO start winding down an hour before you want to go to sleep. DON’T use substances right before bed (these are sedatives and might help us initially pass out, but then we won’t really get good restorative REM sleep.  Or might even wake up in the middle of the night and struggle to fall back asleep.) DO a more boring activity before bed (for you, this might be reading or folding laundry) DON’T exercise close to bedtime. DO monitor your caffeine intake (The general rule is no caffeine after 2 pm.) DON’T take naps throughout the day. DO go to bed at the same time every night. DON’T hang out in your bed all day. DO take a warm shower or bath. DON’T spend time on your phone for the last 30 minutes before the time you want to fall asleep. DO write your to-do list for the next day. DON’T ruminate on things out of your control (write them down and release; tell yourself that you can come back to them the next day, if necessary.) DO say a mantra, do affirmations, or pray. DON’T drink a bunch of water right before bed. DO have a routine. DON’T catastrophize if you can’t fall or stay asleep (Here’s an example of how to do this: “what’s the worst that could happen?  I’ll be tired tomorrow.  That would suck, but I would be okay.”) DO a guided meditation before bed and if you wake up in the middle of the night. DON’T give up after only a short time of trying these do’s and don’ts. Consistency is essential. DO seek help if needed or to rule out a medical issue. DON’T get overwhelmed, just integrate one or two of these into your life each month.   If you feel like something else might be going on, aside from poor sleep hygiene, make sure to check in with your doctor to rule out any underlying medical issues.  If you do that, and are struggling to maintain consistency with sleep hygiene, therapy is a great place to find accountability.  

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Five Things to Consider When Picking a Therapist

By: Jessica Taylor, LPC Have you been considering going to therapy, but you have no idea where to start, or how to pick the right therapist?  If that sounds like you, and you want advice on how to pick the perfect therapist, I’m here to help.  As a licensed therapist, and also someone who has gone to therapy myself, I know that the process of finding a therapist can feel super overwhelming. I also know that you don’t want to waste your time and money on a therapist that just feels…fine.  Or even worse, a therapist that is just totally the wrong fit.  You deserve to find a therapist that feels like the perfect fit! So, here are the five things that I think you NEED to consider when picking a therapist, and also a few warning signs to keep an eye out for. The Five Things to Consider LOGISTICS Location: Make sure that the therapist you choose is close to work, school, or home. Trust me, you do not want to spend time in your car commuting to a therapist every week.  A lot of therapists these days offer telehealth, so if that’s your thing, therapy will always be convenient.  But I find that most people still prefer in-person sessions. The therapist can schedule at the frequency you need: For example, if you want to start off meeting every week (which is typical when first starting therapy), do not commit to a therapist whose calendar is super booked up, and they can only get you in every three weeks. Sometimes it will take a few weeks to get in for that initial intake, but then your therapist should be available weekly. In addition, make sure your therapist can accommodate times that are convenient for you, such as after work if that is necessary. COST Reasonably priced: Therapy is an investment in your mental health, and there is nothing more important, but going broke from therapy isn’t going to do your mental health any favors. Also, the most expensive therapists aren’t necessarily the best therapists! Look around at what different therapists in your area are charging (this differs by geographical location) and maybe try going with someone in the middle of the road (if you can afford it.) In-Network with Insurance: If your insurance plan offers mental health services, try to find a provider in-network with your insurance company. You will need to call your insurance company to see if you even have any MH benefits on your plan (a lot of plans unfortunately do not cover any mental health services.) Out-of-Network with Insurance: One huge benefit of seeing a therapist that is out of network with your insurance is that you and your therapist will determine what your treatment looks like, not an insurance company that knows nothing about you or your mental health. In addition, all your information will be confidential, as your therapist will not be required to release any information to an insurance company to prove that you need services. EXPERIENCE They have experience treating the thing you are going to therapy for: For example, if you are needing therapy for anxiety, you are not going to go to someone who only does couples counseling. The therapist’s website should list their areas of specialization, but feel free to ask them! YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE Therapy is a no judgement zone: You should not feel as though you need to keep things from your therapist for fear of judgment. Sure, it might take you a few sessions to fully warm up to them, but if you are holding back because you are getting weird vibes (or they are perfectly fine, but your personalities don’t mesh), they might not be the best fit. THERAPY CONTINUES TO FEEL BENEFICIAL You ultimately control your course of treatment: Every session might not contain some huge “break through,” but therapy should feel helpful overall.  Please know that if you feel like you have hit the end of the road with a therapist, you can take a break from therapy and/or go looking for a new therapist any time you want. Possible Warning Signs The therapist is not transparent about costs for sessions. You should know this up front.  If they don’t tell you when scheduling, ask! You feel like their values don’t match yours and they might be judging you. They are unwilling to at least have a 15-minute intro call before scheduling an intake session. Your therapist gets defensive when you ask them about their approach as a therapist or where they see therapy with you going. If your therapist doesn’t even mention or ask you about your goals within the first few sessions (some therapists might not see this as a warning sign, but it is for me.) There you have it! The five things that you need to consider when searching for a therapist.  If you have any questions about our therapists, or therapy in general, feel free to give us a call!  We are happy to answer any questions you might have, in order to help make this process feel a bit less overwhelming.

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