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What is sexual harassment?

Was I Sexually Harassed? How to Tell and How to Move Forward

The Effects of Sexual Harassment, and How To Moved Forward if You Were Harassed at Work. There’s big news going around about the predatory behavior of Harvey Weinstein. Multitudes of women has come forward about being harassed by him and having their boundaries violated. Unfortunately, sexual harassment is really, really common. Just look through you Facebook and Instagram feed and see your friends saying #metoo. What Does Sexual Harassment Look Like? Sexual harassment is unwelcome sexual conduct that interferes with one’s job and creates a hostile work environment. It can occur as either a single isolated incident or repeated incidents over time (often escalating in severity as the harasser learns he or she can ‘get away with it.’) Sexual harassment includes: Showing or bringing in offensive materials into the workplace (like sharing links or videos that are sexual in nature, or targeted at someone in particular) Sexual comments like pickup lines or comments about your body or physical appearance Inappropriate touching (there’s really never a reason to touch a co-worker) Here’s the thing about sexual harassment, it’s often cloaked in the form of a joke, and therefore it’s sometimes hard for victims to ascribe malicious intent to the harassment. But the intent is not the issue; if the effect of a joke or comment or action makes you go ‘eew’, feel uncomfortable and not safe in your workplace, then that’s harassment. How To Move Forward if You Were Harassed At Work If this has happened to you (which, odds are, it has), here’s some things to do to move forward, heal, and continue to succeed at your job: Report it I know this is a hard one. There’s lots of power dynamics in workplaces, and lots of gendered narratives about sexual harassment at work. It’s hard to feel like you can make in-roads with the ‘all-boys club’ if you are pointing out inappropriate behavior. You might feel like you’ll lose your job or a future promotion if you report it. But this toxic culture of the workplace needs to stop, and if HR departments all over the country received a flood of reports, then they would be forced to make a change. Name what happened to you, and know that you’re not alone. Sexual harassment can be hard to pin down. We minimize it a lot. We think ‘well he was just joking’ or ‘he wasn’t really talking about me.’ But if you feel really uncomfortable deep down, if you have that ‘ick’ factor about your workplace, that’s harassment. You are not alone. A recent survey found that 1 in 3 women reported being harassed at work (and about one-third reported it) Talk About It There’s something very healing about talking about difficult experiences. We get to process through what happened, and be supported by others.You can talk to a trusted friend, family member, or a counselor. It’s important to process what happened, move through those emotions, and let it rest in the past. Be Aware of Your Mental Health Being a victim of Sexual Harassment has been linked to increased risk of depression. If you’re feeling depressed, hopeless, or feel that you can’t stop thinking about the past, consider getting a professional evaluation of you mental health so that you can get the help that you need. I’ve worked with many clients who has experience sexual harassment, and at times even their workplace paid for their treatment.

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Why Am I Still Single

Why Am I Still Single?

I get asked this question a lot in my office. A new client will sigh resignedly on the couch and ask a brave question: Why Am I Still Single? Some people are single by choice, of course. But if you’re reading this that’s probably not you. You’ve read all the other advice about ‘putting yourself out there’ and meeting new people, but it still doesn’t seem to click. It feels lonely and isolating. Your best friend will tell you that you’re wonderful and those potential boyfriends or girlfriends are really missing out because you’re a catch. But I’m a therapist, and my job is digging deeper and some serious truth-telling, so here’s some themes I’ve noticed with my still-single clients and how to work towards what we all want: blissful coupledom. You’re Being Picky (or, How To Pop Your Own Bubble and Be Happier for It) You might be picky. Too picky. Even if you aren’t outright writing off potential partners due to superficial reasons like height, eye color, or their horrible taste in beer, you may not be noticing the wonderful potential partners right in front of you. More to the point, we all have a fantasy in our heads of out future partner, and you might need to break up with this fantasy in order to meet you actual partner. Don’t feel badly; we all construct this fantasy man or woman over the course of our lives and that’s a healthy, normal thing to do. We take our experiences and mold them into a ‘Mr or Ms. Right.’ We also wisely learn what we do not want in a partner, and make sure our fantasy partner does not have that quality. This is all well and good until we begin to be too attached to our fantasy, and we see it as a reality or use it to make a wish-list of sorts. Take a moment to reflect on your ‘perfect partner’ and ask if this picture is too specific, or getting in the way of noticing real live potential partners around you. You’re Not Actually Asking People Out Ladies, I’m looking at you for this one! Guys as well, but I see this more with women. I’ll address the women first and then the men. Gender roles are changing, and quickly. You won’t get what you want unless you actually go after it. I know it’s nerve-wracking to ask someone out (believe me, I’ve been there). But here’s a little secret: guys love it when they get asked out. It totally makes their day. Even if they are not interested, they feel great about it. More importantly, clearly and directly asking someone out gives us all practice in taking our own desires seriously, tolerating momentary anxiety, and facing our well-worn fear of rejection. This is great practice for building real and lasting intimacy within a relationship, so you might as well start now! Guys, the same applies for you. If you meet someone and would really like to take them out ask them. And ask directly! None of this, let’s hang out sometime. Actually use the word ‘date’ please! The women (and men) I work with really dislike not really knowing if someone is interested in them as a friend or as a partner. I know it takes some vulnerability, but reach deep down, take a deep breath and say: I’ve really enjoyed meeting you, and would love to get to know you better. Can I take you out on a date sometime? Really, that’s all you need to say. If they say no, be gracious and thank them for being direct. Then lick your wounds a bit, and try it again. Do Your Own Work, and the Relationship Will Come My final point is, not surprisingly coming from a therapist, that you should do your own self-improvement work whether you are in a relationship or not. If you have a lingering depression, that ‘once in a while’ anxiety attack, or are just straight-up unhappy with your life, the time to start that work is now. You want your future partner to respect and love you, so you first need to love and respect yourself by getting what you need, making those hard changes, and learning what makes you happy outside of a relationship. This will serve you in your future relationship, believe me. If you make yourself a better, more secure version of you today, you are in a better position to connect with other tomorrow.

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Can Volunteering Improve Your Physical and Mental Health?

This is a Guest Post from the wonderful folks at Project Helping, a non-profit that connects volunteers with opportunities to help the community, all in the name of improving mental health and well-being. Check them out at www.projecthelping.org Can volunteering improve your physical and mental health? Many would assume that giving our time or monetary support is inherently rewarding. But do peer- reviewed studies reflect this notion? Over the past century, there have been countless studies done on the effects volunteering has on people. By building on the knowledge of their predecessors, researchers have found some casual relationships between giving and happiness. Though each study had different controls, methods, and hypotheses, nearly each has resulted in the conclusion that volunteering may have more health benefits than we ever imagined. The World Health Organization estimates that depression is the third leading cause of disease, projected to be the second cause world-wide by 2020, and will rank first in high-income nations by 2030- making it a major public health issue. In fact, one in four Americans, over 60 million people, experience mental illness in a year. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, depression can exacerbate effects of chronic conditions, such as asthma, arthritis, cancer, diabetes, and obesity. Not only does altruism improve your psychological well being, many studies indicate there is a positive relationship between volunteering and cardiovascular disease, disability, mortality, and life satisfaction. The National Alliance on Mental Illness states that when coupled with supportive relationships and counseling, one of the best strategies to prevent depression and suicide in young persons is extra curricular activities, such as sports and voluntary community service. Parenting experts agree that increased autonomy, encouragement, conflict resolution, optimism, understanding, and goal-setting may help improve your childʼs mood. Volunteerism can tackle a myriad of these positive influences simultaneously. And by volunteering with your child, you can set a non-stigmatizing, proactive example in a social, compassionate environment. Volunteering has also been shown to inhibit anti-social behavior in adolescents and may have rehabilitative effects for all ages. In Taiwan, researchers conducted an 18-year longitudinal analysis (1989-2007) of adults over the aged 60-64, studying the relationship between social participation, which included volunteer groups, and depressive symptoms. Their results indicated that participation is “globally beneficial” to the psychological health of older adults and mitigates depressive symptoms. According to a similar British study conducted on all ages of adults between 1996 to 2008, the General Health Questionnaire score was best among those who had volunteered and worst among those who had never volunteered. Though the study indicates adults over 40 often reported mental wellness from volunteerism, evidence also suggests people under 40 who volunteered frequently had much more positive GHQ scores. Isen and Levin (1972) investigated the “positive affective state on his or her subsequent helpfulness to others.” Their results indicate people who feel good themselves are more inclined to help others. Dunn, Aknin, and Norton (2008) found that even when controlling for income, individuals who devoted more prosocial spending, or money spent to aid others, were happier. Harbaugh, Mayr, and Burghart (2007) established that giving money to charity leads to brain activity in regions associated with pleasure and reward. Depression can cause disaffection with family, work, and personal goals- leading many to delay rejoining or contributing to society. Higher rates of depression and suicide are seen in individuals experiencing obesity, heart disease, stroke, sleep disorders, lack of education, lack of access to medical care, unemployment, and divorce- motivating some governments to take action. In fact, the economic impact of suicide death in the United States is estimated near $34 billion annually and another $8 billion in non-fatal injuries and indirect costs, such as lost wages. Because of the growing evidence that volunteering contributes skills, energy, public health and knowledge to communities across the globe, many countries are beginning to regard it as a national resource. In 1997, the United Nations General Assembly proclaimed 2001 as the International Year of Volunteers. This idea stemmed from talks between international non-governmental organizations (NGOs) and the growing recognition that voluntary service makes an essential contribution to societal well being. Prior to 2001, few countries had policies that specifically addressed volunteerism. Now, hundreds of laws and policies throughout the world exist to promote and enable the benefits of volunteering. Dialogue about prosocial behavior and its link to wellbeing dates as far back as ancient Greece. Aristotle asserted that “eudaemonia,” which roughly translates as “human flourishing,” is the goal of life. More than just the pursuit of happiness, it reflects the state in which an individual experiences happiness from successful attendance to their moral and ethical duties. Extensive results demonstrate volunteering’s pro-health qualities. Whether it is sharing your resources, time, or positive attitude, even self-interested giving causes the same effects. No matter your motivations, volunteering is a great first step to creating a real difference in your community and yourself. When you give, you start a chain reaction. You help someone in need, you improve your mood, and you continue to give to receive that productive, connected feeling. Since many studies have found this to be true, shouldnʼt we start educating ourselves and others about the positive feedback loop? Maybe Aristotle was correct- we can flourish when we acknowledge our connectedness and attend to our needs through the needs of others.

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