I get asked this question a lot in my office. A new client will sigh resignedly on the couch and ask a brave question:
Why Am I Still Single?
Some people are single by choice, of course. But if you’re reading this that’s probably not you. You’ve read all the other advice about ‘putting yourself out there’ and meeting new people, but it still doesn’t seem to click. It feels lonely and isolating. Your best friend will tell you that you’re wonderful and those potential boyfriends or girlfriends are really missing out because you’re a catch. But I’m a therapist, and my job is digging deeper and some serious truth-telling, so here’s some themes I’ve noticed with my still-single clients and how to work towards what we all want: blissful coupledom.
You’re Being Picky (or, How To Pop Your Own Bubble and Be Happier for It)
You might be picky. Too picky. Even if you aren’t outright writing off potential partners due to superficial reasons like height, eye color, or their horrible taste in beer, you may not be noticing the wonderful potential partners right in front of you. More to the point, we all have a fantasy in our heads of out future partner, and you might need to break up with this fantasy in order to meet you actual partner. Don’t feel badly; we all construct this fantasy man or woman over the course of our lives and that’s a healthy, normal thing to do. We take our experiences and mold them into a ‘Mr or Ms. Right.’ We also wisely learn what we do not want in a partner, and make sure our fantasy partner does not have that quality.
This is all well and good until we begin to be too attached to our fantasy, and we see it as a reality or use it to make a wish-list of sorts. Take a moment to reflect on your ‘perfect partner’ and ask if this picture is too specific, or getting in the way of noticing real live potential partners around you.
You’re Not Actually Asking People Out
Ladies, I’m looking at you for this one! Guys as well, but I see this more with women. I’ll address the women first and then the men. Gender roles are changing, and quickly. You won’t get what you want unless you actually go after it. I know it’s nerve-wracking to ask someone out (believe me, I’ve been there). But here’s a little secret: guys love it when they get asked out. It totally makes their day. Even if they are not interested, they feel great about it. More importantly, clearly and directly asking someone out gives us all practice in taking our own desires seriously, tolerating momentary anxiety, and facing our well-worn fear of rejection. This is great practice for building real and lasting intimacy within a relationship, so you might as well start now!
Guys, the same applies for you. If you meet someone and would really like to take them out ask them. And ask directly! None of this, let’s hang out sometime. Actually use the word ‘date’ please! The women (and men) I work with really dislike not really knowing if someone is interested in them as a friend or as a partner. I know it takes some vulnerability, but reach deep down, take a deep breath and say:
I’ve really enjoyed meeting you, and would love to get to know you better. Can I take you out on a date sometime?
Really, that’s all you need to say. If they say no, be gracious and thank them for being direct. Then lick your wounds a bit, and try it again.
Do Your Own Work, and the Relationship Will Come
My final point is, not surprisingly coming from a therapist, that you should do your own self-improvement work whether you are in a relationship or not. If you have a lingering depression, that ‘once in a while’ anxiety attack, or are just straight-up unhappy with your life, the time to start that work is now. You want your future partner to respect and love you, so you first need to love and respect yourself by getting what you need, making those hard changes, and learning what makes you happy outside of a relationship. This will serve you in your future relationship, believe me. If you make yourself a better, more secure version of you today, you are in a better position to connect with other tomorrow.