How to Get Your Teenager to Go to Therapy By: Jessica Taylor, LPC Starting therapy can feel overwhelming or scary for most adults.  Knowing that, now try to imagine what starting therapy must feel like for a teenager.  Teens are arguably right in the middle of one of life’s most difficult developmental phases.  Feeling as though they are independent and belong with their peer group are the first priorities; and listening to the advice of their primary caregivers is extremely low on that priority list.  Here are some tips if you feel that your child would benefit from talking to a therapist, but they have expressed that they are resistant to the idea.   Don’t force it.    The only time it is appropriate to obligate your child to attend therapy is if they are experiencing severe symptoms of mental illness and/or suicidal ideations or engaging in self-harm.  In that case, it is important to have a trained professional consistently assessing for risk and helping you take the necessary actions to keep your child safe.   In other cases, the reason you don’t want to force your child to engage in therapy is because you will likely be spending a bunch of money only for them to answer their therapist’s questions with “I don’t know.”  During this time of their life, it is important for them to know that their thoughts and feelings are heard and are being taken into account.  We want them to have good feelings, rather than negative ones,  when they think about therapy.  We are “planting the seed” so that they will return to therapy, if necessary, during adulthood.   Get them involved in the process.    It’s well established that teenagers don’t like being told what to do.  And it’s our job as parents to set appropriate boundaries when necessary.  But a good compromise is giving them choices.  Ask them if they want to look through therapist websites and pick a therapist that seems like a good match.  Have them decide what day they would like to meet with their therapist, or how frequently they feel they would like to schedule sessions.   Turn to social media.     Yes, you heard that right.  I know how scary social media can be when you have a teenager.  There is a lot of dangerous stuff on there.  But it can also be extremely helpful in situations like this.  Find a Tik Tok or Instagram video about treatment for anxiety, etc. I guarantee that your kid is going to pay much more attention to this compared to a story about how therapy was helpful for your coworker’s niece.   Make them a deal.    If your teen is feeling hesitant to start therapy, it might be because they are unsure of what the process will look like.  Say something like: “Just try two sessions with a therapist of your choice, and then decide whether you would like to continue with therapy.”  They are going to be more willing to start the process if it doesn’t feel as though they will be committed to something long-term.   Associate therapy sessions with something they already enjoy.  Could this also be referred to as bribery?  Sure.  But remember when your child would get a sticker after a visit to the doctor?  Same thing.  It is going to encourage your teenager to see therapy in a positive light if it is associated with something else that they enjoy.  This doesn’t have to be anything huge.  Here are some ideas of things to reward your child with after their therapy sessions:  Take them for ice cream and eat it in the car or on a walk while you talk about neutral topics.     Drop them off at a friend’s house for a bit.   Let them pick what the family will have for dinner that night.   Come up with an agreement about confidentiality.     Trust me, your teenager is going to be more open and honest (read: get more out of therapy) if they know that the therapist is not reporting back to you with everything they share in therapy.  If you are comfortable with it, create a verbal or written agreement with your child and their therapist about the things the therapist will need to fill you in on.  Typically, this is when the therapist is concerned about your child’s safety, or there is something that your child wants you to know but doesn’t feel comfortable telling you themselves.     Don’t push them to share what they spoke about in therapy.     Along the same lines, no matter how difficult it is, try to resist the urge to say “so, what did you talk about in there?” as soon as they leave therapy.  This may create an awkward dynamic where they don’t want to lie to you, but also don’t want to tell you what they spoke about.  Keep the door open for them to share by saying something like this instead: “I hope you had a good session with your therapist.  Let me know if there is anything you want to talk about, but it’s totally fine if you don’t want to share!”    

How to Communicate More Effectively with Your Teenager Inside the Teenage Mind Does it feel like just yesterday that your child was excited to see you, running into your arms after a long day?  And now maybe you are finding their smiles few and far between.  Or they roll their eyes at everything you say.  Don’t feel bad if you are not exactly loving the raising-an-adolescent phase of parenting.  I’m sure you have heard other parents commiserating about how difficult it is to raise teenagers (even though most of us think “but my kid won’t be like that.”)  But why are teenagers so tough?  Well, there are few important reasons for this sudden and severe shift in many teenagers’ personalities.   Psychologist Erik Erikson explained that human development takes place over the entire life span and includes eight different stages of development.  Between the ages of 12 and 18, your child is likely in stage five of their developmental cycle, known as “identity versus confusion.”  During this stage, the priority is finding one’s own identity, outside of their role as child to their parents.  In addition, connecting and fitting in with their peers is their number one goal.  They are seeking independence, which often creates conflict at home.   In addition to the psycho-social changes happening for your child during this time, there is also important brain development occurring.  During adolescence, the brain has begun making neural connections just as quickly as it did when your child was born (remember how rapidly they developed new abilities during that time?)  This, coupled with the hormonal shifts happening, is a major contributing factor to why your teenager’s mood and affect appear to shift with the wind.   Why Being Mindful of Communication with Your Teenager is Important  On the outside, it may appear that your teenager has no interest in you, or worse, is bothered by everything you say and do.  But just like during the toddler years, they are still watching your every move.  If you model good communication strategies (against all odds!), they will hopefully carry these skills into future relationships with supervisors at work or significant others.   In addition, a large part of the attachment type we have in relationships during adulthood are formed by the attachment we had with our parents.  Your child needs to know that even when they act unlovable at times (as we all do at different points of our life), they are still worthy of love.  By sticking it out with them through these difficult teenage years, you are setting them up for healthy relationships in the future.     The Do’s and Don’ts of Communicating with Your Teenager Don’t try to resolve things when your teenager is already escalated. If your child is showing signs of being angry or just generally dysregulated, now is not the time to have a conversation, unless it is about a neutral topic.  When we are emotional, we are in what is often referred to as our “lizard brain.” In our lizard brain, we are thinking and acting from a place of emotion, not reason.  Wait until your child is calm to have more difficult conversations.  No, they are not ‘winning’ if you wait until things are calm.  You are actually maintaining your control over the situation by determining the best time to discuss things.  Do have a plan for if your teenager escalates during the conversation.  Along the same lines, if during a conversation or argument with your teenager you start to notice (verbal or nonverbal) signs of escalation, it is time to take space and come back to the conversation later.  Say something like “I’m feeling myself getting upset, let’s take a few hours to calm down and come back to this conversation at that time.”   Don’t raise your voice.  Do the best you can to not engage in negative behaviors such as yelling, swearing or name-calling.  Remember that you are trying to model good communication skills for your child.  In addition, you will receive more respect from your child if they see you showing them the same.  If you do or say something that you regret during an argument, that’s okay—you are a human!  And that provides you with the perfect opportunity to model how to apologize when necessary in order to repair a relationship.   Don’t take the bait.  Like I said earlier, your kid is watching you like a hawk.  Unfortunately, this means that they probably know your “hot buttons” like the back of their hand.  During an argument, they are going to know exactly what to say to get you angry or make you sad.  If they push one of these buttons, and you feel yourself going into lizard brain, take space.  Come back when you are calm and say something like: “It really hurt me when you said that I don’t care about you.”   Do show that you are listening.   We constantly stress to our children the importance of listening.  But are you showing your teenager that you are hearing them?  This includes nonverbal cues (making eye contact, not having your phone in your hand, nodding, and facing your entire body toward them) and verbal cues (repeating back what you hear them saying, asking follow-up questions).   Do validate your teenager’s feelings (even if you don’t agree!) Here’s a simple way to validate your kid’s feelings without agreeing: “So I’m hearing you say that you are upset that I’m not allowing you to stay out late tonight.  I understand why you would feel that way when all of your friends are allowed to stay out late.”  You are not giving in or even agreeing, but you are letting them know that you fully hear them.  This is possible while still holding firm to a consequence or boundary that you have set.   If appropriate, give your teenager choices.   Going back to thinking about the developmental stage of your teenager, it boils down to them really just wanting to feel independent.  If you can give them a few