By: Bobby Dunham, MA, LPCC
Having a productive conversation with our teens always go smoothly and as planned. Never any arguing, frustrations, or rabbit hole debates that end up getting us nowhere. The End….
If only the world could be so simple!
Having productive conversations with our teens can sometimes be the most stress-inducing part of our day. It can sometimes feel like we have a better chance of being struck by lightning while cashing in our winning lottery ticket than we do getting through an entire discussion with our teen without it turning nasty.
Amid such frivolous combat, it can be difficult, no, impossible to look at ourselves and ask; “am I contributing to this fight?” No, it’s not your fault that these conversations never are easy, but at the same time, is it completely their fault? From my experience working with teens as a mental health counselor, here are some ways we might be able to make these discussions less combative and more productive.
Check-in with how they view the situation.
From the get-go, ask your teen how they view the situation and then genuinely listen to their side. This can create a space of understanding and openness. One of the reasons that teens can get so combative is that they feel that they are not truly listened to. And if you think about it, wouldn’t that upset you too? We sometimes forget that our teen is still a person who wants to be respected and listened to the same as any of us. So, treat them the same way we like to be treated as adults.
Explain to them your reasoning.
I am of course not saying that this will magically make them understand and comply with a decision they don’t like. But from my experience, giving a calm and logical explanation of our choices can make them feel less controlled and more a part of the adult decision-making process. Even if it is as simple as, “I know you aren’t happy with this, but I have a meeting at work and won’t have time to drive you to your friend’s house. I’m sorry it didn’t work out this time.” This can just let your teen know that you tried, and you care.
Have an open discussion.
There are certainly situations where it is what it is and there is nowhere else for the situation to go. But in many cases, there can be other options that might make both parties happy. When possible, be willing to have an open conversation. Being stuck on our word is stone can feel authoritative and lead nowhere productive for the discussion or relationship.
Talk about what the options are.
This kind of plays off the last section, but if there is a situation where options are present, then try to have that decision making process include your teen instead of deciding for them. Even if it’s something small like where to eat for dinner, the fact that you are giving them choices (a.k.a power) can make them feel more respected and less likely to lash out.
Don’t be afraid to keep it real.
Finally, don’t be afraid to keep it real with your teen. They are just people like us and viewing them like so can not only help the conversation but also your relationship with them as a whole. Telling your teen that you are so overwhelmed at work and need their help at home can really instill confidence and mutual respect which can reverberate into other aspects of the relationship.
Finally…
Having difficult conversations with our teens is never easy. They always know what’s right and we are just too exhausted to react calmly all the time. That being said, using these five bits of insight might help lessen the load of arguing with our teens and might even help our communication skills in other realms of our life. We need to remember that our teen is just another person like us and wants to be heard and respected.
If communication with your teen is an ongoing struggle and you would like to read more about approaches and tactics which might help, here is a link to many great blogs about interacting with our teens.
https://thrivecounselingdenver.com/category/teen-counseling/