June 2021 - Thrive Counseling

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Are you Sabotaging Your Own Happiness?

Are you Sabotaging Your Own Happiness? By: Jessica Taylor, LPC Are you wondering why you feel okay, but not as good as you want to feel? Maybe you are able to go to work and do things throughout the day, but just feel ‘blah.’ Are there goals in your life that you have yet to accomplish and can’t figure out why? Here are 10 ways that you may be sabotaging your own happiness and overall mental health and functioning, without even realizing. Not caring for your body’s basic needs If you are not physiologically ‘okay,’ you are not going to be mentally okay and/or functioning at your best. If you are noticing that you are lacking energy, are struggling to concentrate, or just feel as though your mood is not where it could be, check in with yourself about the quality and quantity of your sleep, as well as your food and water intake. Seven to nine hours of sleep is optimal and very few people are functioning at their best with less sleep than that. If you are struggling to fall asleep or stay asleep, determine whether there are ways that your sleep hygiene can be improved. If you are not eating enough whole foods (i.e.: there are too many beige things on your plate), or you are restricting yourself to too few calories per day, chances are you are going to at the very least experience some brain fog. Water. That’s all, just drink water. There are too many benefits to list here, but to be more specific, most experts say that you should divide your weight in half and drink at least that many ounces of water each day (for example, if you weight 200 pounds, drink 100 ounces). If you don’t like water, try adding fruit or a squirt of a flavor enhancer. Taking in damaging content on social media Take a good hard look at who and what you are following (i.e.: exposing yourself to each day). Content doesn’t need to be negative to be considered damaging to your self-esteem and overall mood. For example, maybe there is a friend that posts perfectly posed pictures of her family on expensive vacations and you notice that after seeing this, you don’t feel great about your own life, body, job, etc. You don’t have to unfollow her, but you can ‘mute’ her content so that it doesn’t appear in your feed. Far too often we compare the way we look to images we see in the media. But these perfect looking images are most often photoshopped and unattainable in real life. Look for places on the internet that “keep it real,” such as body, parenting, and mental health positivity accounts. Not moving your body every day. Find a type of movement that matches your personality and lifestyle. This can be as intense as a HIIT class or as low impact as taking a 30 minute walk each day. Keeping harmful people in your life. If you feel more bad than you do good in any type of relationship, it is time to assess whether you should either set more firm boundaries, or end that relationship altogether. Talk to a therapist if you are not sure about how to do those things. Holding thing in If you are struggling with something such as the death of a loved one, a traumatic experience, or symptoms of mental illness, it is not in your best interest to bottle up your thoughts and feelings. Making a practice out of writing in a journal can be helpful, but you may also need to process with a friend or trained counselor. Buying into thoughts that hold you back First ask yourself this: what are my goals? Maybe you want to be in a happy and loving long-term relationship. Or maybe you want to get a better job. Now ask yourself this: what thoughts about myself (or others) come up when I think about that goal? If you are buying into thoughts, such as: “I’m not attractive enough to find a partner,” or “I will never find a job that I like,” you are most likely holding yourself back from making advances toward your goals, regardless of external factors. Not practicing mindfulness Too many of us are book-ending our day with our phone in front of our face. Instead, try waking up in the morning and getting ready for bed a bit earlier so that you can implement some mindfulness techniques. For example, in the morning, try writing what you are grateful for while you sip your coffee. Or do some slow yoga poses after you get out of bed. During the day, find time to take a walk with no distractions and just observe nature. At night, read for a while and then listen to a guided meditation. You are overscheduled It’s good to have structure, but you also need some downtime where you can let your body and mind take a break. It is okay to not be productive for some time each day and allow yourself to watch your favorite show or do a puzzle. You isolate from others Alone time can be great, but even the most introverted people usually need some human connection. If you struggle with social anxiety, push yourself to be around others. This can be dinner with a friend or even just sitting in a coffee shop and making eye contact and smiling at the other patrons. The more you avoid human connection, the more you will feel anxious about it. This is no structure in your day Daily routines are wonderful for our mental health. If you have a 9-to-5 job, find morning and evening routines that work for you and stick with them. If you do not have a work schedule set for you by someone else, you need to create a bit more structure for yourself. Before you fully start your morning, just make a list of a

10 Things to Try Right Now After the Death of a Loved One

10 Things to Try Right Now if You Are Struggling After the Death of a Loved One By: Jessica Taylor, LPC Grieving is just one of those human experiences where we have no idea how it feels until we are there. In addition, we live in a society that often fosters what Claire Bidwell Smith calls “an unsympathetic grief culture.” What this looks like for the person grieving is a feeling of not wanting to burden others with their sadness or feeling as though they have a certain amount of time to grieve and then should ‘move on’. And then on the other side, you have the person who wants to be supportive of the griever but isn’t sure of what the ‘right’ thing to say or do is. This means that we are paralyzed by these concerns and do nothing—we just hope that things will get better with time. Doing nothing is actually the worst thing we can do when faced with the task or either grieving or supporting a griever. David Kessler is a grief expert and recommends trying these 10 things if you are feeling overwhelmed by grief. If you yourself are not personally grieving, it might be helpful to determine if there are any of these things that you can do with a person you love who is going through the grief process. Take a Walk Everyday Kessler states that we must symbolically and physically keep moving after someone we love dies. This can be a short walk, or a longer one, but set the goal for yourself to get outside and walk every day. We know the physical and chemical benefits of moving our bodies, but it is also important for you to be out and interacting with the world during this time. Name Three Things You Were Able to Do That Day Before you go to bed, make it a part of your nighttime routine to either write down a list, or say to yourself three things that you were able to do that day. For example: “I went for a walk, I opened the mail, and I made myself a smoothie.” Engage With the World When we lose someone, it feels as though the whole world has stopped. Or maybe it just feels like it should stop. You just want to scream: “How can you go to a baseball game right now, when my mom is not here anymore?” Because of this, you must prove to yourself that the world has continued moving and that means you can too. Engage with the world by reading the newspaper or watching the news for 30 minutes each day. Send the Person That You Lost Love When in the midst of grief, sometimes our brain decides to do some unhelpful things. This can look like dwelling on feelings of guilt, thoughts about how the person died, or on painful images of the person you lost before they passed. When this happens, divert your attention to instead sending that person love. It doesn’t matter what your beliefs are about the afterlife; when we lose someone with whom we had a deep connection, that connection you have to them doesn’t die just because they are gone. So take a moment and think to yourself or say out loud: “I am sending you love.” Distract Yourself It’s okay to take a mental break from it all sometimes. Do something that is going to distract your mind for a bit, such as watching your favorite movie, reading an engaging book, or taking a nap. Talk About Your Loss As Kessler says: “grief must be witnessed.” Call the friend that likes to talk about ‘deep’ things and ask if you can talk about how you are feeling, or share memories about the person you lost. In addition, therapy is a great space for this. You will never be a burden on your therapist, no matter how long you need to grieve. Recognize Something in Your Life That Continues On Try to be mindful of the things around you that continue. This can be the flower garden planted outside or the other relationships you still have. Do Something Nice for Yourself Treat yourself to something that feels good. Depending on your resources, this can be getting a massage, taking a day off from work, going on a weekend trip to the mountains, or getting a haircut. Write Down Three Things That You Have Always Wanted to Do What are at least three things that you always wanted to do, but never got the chance before your loved one died? This can be learning a new hobby, going back to school, or taking a trip to a place you’ve never been. Do Something for Someone Else It’s okay if it takes a while for you to get to the place where you have the capacity to do this one. But helping others can be a transformative experience if you are feeling ‘stuck’ in grief.

How To Handle Concerning Behaviors in Your Teenage Child

How To Handle Concerning Behaviors in Your Teenage Child By: Jessica Taylor, LPC Raising a teenager can feel exhausting, confusing, and at times even scary. You probably know that they are going through tons of physiological changes (hello, hormones), that are impacting their emotions and behaviors significantly. But maybe you are unsure of what should be considered “normal” teenage behaviors and what behaviors you need to be concerned about. Furthermore, if you are noticing concerning behaviors in your teenager, you may feel powerless. They are no longer the toddler having a tantrum that you are able to pick up and put in their crib. Here’s how to tell the difference between developmentally appropriate behaviors and what you need to be concerned about, as well as the action steps that are available. Typical Behavior Changes that May Occur During the Teenage Years Changes in appearance. Increase in arguments and rebellious behaviors. Mood swings, including increase in irritability. Experimentation with drugs and/or alcohol. More focused on friends than family. Warning Signs of a Troubled Teen Changes in appearance are coupled with behavioral issues, self-harm, or sudden weight gain or loss. There is a pattern of physical aggression that is resulting in physical fights and/or run-ins with the law. Their mood issues are persistent, and include one of the following: falling grades, staying in bed all day, mentions of suicide or self-harm. Drug or alcohol use is habitual (daily or almost daily) and coupled with issues at school or home. What You Can Do If You Are Worried About Your Teenager Talk to a doctor or therapist. If you are unsure of where to start, consider sharing your concerns with your child’s pediatrician. They have most likely known your child before they were in their teenage years and will be able to provide you with some good resources. Consider family therapy. If your child is resistant to speaking with a therapist on their own, don’t push it. You want them to have a good feeling about therapy, which will not happen if they feel ‘forced’ into it. They may feel more open to beginning the process of therapy if you are also involved, and things are discussed as a family issue rather than only a teenager issue. Only discuss your concerns with your child when you feel calm and in control. Sometimes we think that if we don’t address issues with our child in-the-moment, we are letting them ‘win,’ or get away with something. But these difficult conversations are likely going to result in your child becoming defensive and possible dysregulated. If you are not regulated yourself, things are probably going to escalate to an unproductive or even dangerous place. Avoid behaviors that only escalate situations further. Going along with making sure you are regulated, prepare yourself for the chance that your teenager is going to actively try to push your “hot buttons” to get a response from you. For example, if they slam a door in your face, your instinct is probably to open it and tell them why that is unacceptable. But that in that moment, that is only going to make things worse. Wait until you are both calm again and then give them a consequence if necessary. Make sure you are having regular moments of uninterrupted quality time. They may complain or roll their eyes, but make it a priority to have at least a few family dinners a week where no screens are present. Go around the table and have everyone share the best and worst parts of their day. Listen without distraction or judgement. Everything your child is telling you is important to them. If you are distracted by a phone or something else when they are trying to tell you something small, they are going to take that as a sign that they can’t come to you with anything, big or small. Furthermore, try not to give advice unless they ask for it. And if you criticize their friends, this might put unnecessary space between you and your teenager. Prepare yourself for rejection. Teenagers are like cats. They usually need to spend time and communicate with you on their terms. They are focused on feeling independent right now, and that means differentiating themselves from primary caregivers. Have a mantra ready that you can repeat to yourself when you are hurt or angered by your teen pushing you away. Maintain consistency with expectations, rules, and consequences. It is your teenager’s developmental job right now to try to push the boundaries. So that means it is your job to give them freedom and independence when possible, but also stay consistent with the boundaries you have in place. Help them find appropriate coping skills. If you notice that your child is consistently struggling to regulate their own emotions, help them find some strategies. Examples include hanging up a punching bag or signing them up for a writing class. Give them space. When you are concerned about your child the last thing you want to do is have them out of your sight. But part of them trusting you is feeling as though you trust them. If they ask for space or time alone, give it to them (unless there are urgent safety concerns.) Resources: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/helping-troubled-teens.htm#

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What You Need to Know About Setting Boundaries

What You Need to Know About Setting Boundaries By: Jessica Taylor, LPC The idea of setting boundaries has become increasingly popular. But how many of us actually know what that means? Okay, maybe you know what setting boundaries means, but do you know when and how to set them so that they are taken seriously and sustained? What are Boundaries? Boundaries in relationships can be defined as what exactly you feel comfortable with and how you would like to be treated. We all have limits; sometimes these are just naturally respected, and sometimes they need to be clearly communicated. The Five Different Types of Boundaries Physical: Your personal space, privacy, and your body. Sexual: What you feel comfortable with sexually, what you want regarding intimacy, and comments sexual in nature. Financial: How you spend your money and whether you want to loan or give money to others. Intellectual: Your thoughts and beliefs (i.e.: having them respected and not diminished). Emotional: Your feelings (for example: how much you want to share and how others regard your feelings.) The Areas of Life Where Boundaries Might Be Necessary Personal relationships. This is probably the area where boundaries are most important, but also the most difficult to implement. We sometimes put off communicating our boundaries because we are worried that if we do, the other person will reject us and end the relationship. But love relationships and friendships without boundaries are likely to result in feelings of resentment, anger, and disappointment. Work. This can be both with your customers or clients, coworkers, or supervisor. Of course, our ability to set boundaries with our employer is at times limited, but because of this, there are even laws in place to help us maintain personal safety in work environments. With strangers. A lot of us have been socialized to value politeness. But if someone is making you feel uncomfortable by not respecting your boundaries (for example: invading your personal space or saying disrespectful things), this is your permission to be ‘rude’ and walk away. Being polite cannot be valued over your feelings of personal safety. How to Set Boundaries Know Your self-worth. If you struggle with self-esteem issues, this is nothing to be ashamed of. Most of us struggle with this at some point in our life. But in order to set and maintain boundaries, you must continue to remind yourself that you are worthy. No matter what has happened in the past, or what you have done or not done in the past, you are worthy of having your emotional, financial, intellectual, sexual, and physical boundaries respected. The sooner the better! Of course, it is totally fine if you have been in a relationship with someone for 12 years and then decide to set a new boundary with them. But if you know your boundaries about certain things, communicate these as soon into a relationship as you can. That way, you are setting a healthy precedent for mutual limits to be respected. Don’t be too harsh or too lenient. If you set boundaries that are overly rigid or too lenient, it is going to be more difficult to sustain them long-term. For example, if a parent is overly lenient with their teenager and does not give them a specific curfew, they may have some sleepless nights and then feel as though they need to go back after the fact and set a time for them to be home. On the other hand, if a parent grounds their kid from social media ‘forever,’ it is probably going to be difficult to maintain this punishment any longer than a few months. Communicate clearly and concretely. Communicating our thoughts, feelings and boundaries in an assertive way can feel really scary. But if you don’t use assertive communication, you risk coming across as ‘wishy-washy’ and the other person not even really understanding what it is that you are asking them to do or not do. Here is an example of how to communicate a boundary using assertive communication skills: “I like when we hold hands and kiss, but I do not want to do that in public.” Be respectful of others’ boundaries. The best way to model is good boundaries is to respect the boundaries of others. In addition, it is not fair to expect those around you to respect your wishes about something like physical space, when you do not do the same. Sources: https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries#types https://lifegoalsmag.com/set-healthy-boundaries/

Is Your Attachment Style Negatively Impacting Your Relationships?

Is Your Attachment Style Negatively Impacting Your Relationships? By: Jessica Taylor, LPC What is Adult Attachment? Since the 1950’s, psychologists have been observing and discussing the impacts of the nature of the attachment between children and their primary caregivers. It was determined that the quality of this attachment significantly impacts the child’s behaviors. Our attachment style in adulthood appears to follow the same logic. Simply put, we can usually identify your attachment style based on how you feel (consciously or unconsciously) about, as well as how you react to, the idea of being rejected or abandoned in relationships. If you intensely fear being rejected or abandoned, and allow this fear to dictate your behaviors, you are going to struggle to maintain healthy relationships. While most researchers believe that our attachment style is inflexible, there are ways to manage the impacts of an unhealthy attachment type. The first step to this is gaining some basic knowledge about your own attachment and the impacts this has had on past and present relationships in your life. Factors That Impact Attachment Trauma If you have experienced relational traumas such as neglect and/or physical, mental, or sexual abuse, then this has likely ‘taught’ your brain that other people are unsafe and cannot be trusted. While you most likely still crave closeness with others, you are also going to try to protect yourself–sometimes in unhealthy ways. Mental health If you struggle with symptoms of a mental illness such as anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder, you are more likely to be a ‘worrier,’ or struggle with low self-esteem. If we don’t confront the negative impacts that mental health issues have on our daily life, it can be extremely difficult to have a functional love relationship. Relationship to the primary caregivers. Primary caregivers don’t need to be perfect; they just need to be good enough. Good enough means feeding their child when they are hungry, hugging them when they cry and changing their diapers when they are dirty. If your primary caregiver neglected any of your basic needs when you were a young child, it is mostly likely going to impact your ability to trust and feel attached to other people throughout your life. Relationships witnessed during formative years. What was the nature of the love relationships you witnessed during your childhood and adolescence? Was there cheating, constant fighting or even domestic violence? If so, these experiences have impacted your worldview, at least when it comes to relationships. If the only happy and functional partnerships you witnessed were in movies or TV shows, it’s going to be extremely difficult for you to imagine that that is even possible to achieve in “real life.” Influential relationships throughout life If you experienced severe rejection from your peers during childhood and adolescence, this is likely going to have an impact on your attachment style. In addition, if you were in a toxic or abusive relationship, it is possible that you might carry some of the impacts of this union into your subsequent relationships. What are the Four Different Attachment Styles? Anxious (Preoccupied): People with an anxious attachment style seek out closeness and require consistent validation to feel as though things are “okay” in the relationship. They don’t like to be away from their partner, which can lead to them sometimes being described as ‘clingy.’ If they feel anxious about the status of a relationship, they will sometimes act out. Here is an example: Samantha texted her boyfriend Matt asking him if wants to go to dinner tonight, but he hasn’t responded to her for five hours. She starts to wonder if he is not responding because he is cheating on her, so she sends him angry and accusatory texts until he responds to her. It turns out that Matt didn’t respond because he was in an important meeting at work. Avoidant (Dismissive): Those with an avoidant attachment style will often protect their independence at all costs. What this looks like is avoiding closeness, not showing emotion, seeing their partner as clingy when they just want emotional connection, and finding reasons to end the relationship before things get too serious. For example: Ryan was really enjoying spending his time with Julie until she asked him if he would like to meet her family. This made him feel as though she was trying to rush things between them. When Julie texted him that night to see if he would like to make plans, he said that he needed some space. Secure: If you have a secure attachment style, you enjoy and thrive in close relationships. You are comfortable sharing your emotions with your partner and having ‘deep’ conversations. For example: Dan has a secure attachment style. His partner Sherry came to him and said that she felt hurt when he didn’t reach out to her all day. Dan apologizes for hurting Sherry and explains that he was extremely busy with work. They decide together how to handle situations that are similar to this in the future. Anxious-Avoidant (Fearful-Avoidant): This style of attachment is sometimes described as ‘disorganized’ as it often looks like mixed-messaging. Individuals with this attachment type deeply crave close connections, but often appear to be indifferent and even sometimes lash out when others try to get close to them. Here’s an example: Kate wants to feel loved, but she often times lashes out at her partner for small things. Although she wants to get married, she struggles to ‘settle down’ with one person and feels a lot of dissatisfaction in dating and relationships. If you still feel unsure of what your attachment style is, you can take a quick assessment created by the authors of the book ‘Attached.’ The Benefits of Understanding Your Own Attachment Style You will stop repeating negative patterns in relationships. Does dating sometimes feel like you are in the movie Groundhog’s Day? Maybe you keep getting ghosted only a few dates in with someone. Or you tend do something to sabotage the relationship yourself. If