What You Need to Know About Setting Boundaries
By: Jessica Taylor, LPC
The idea of setting boundaries has become increasingly popular. But how many of us actually know what that means? Okay, maybe you know what setting boundaries means, but do you know when and how to set them so that they are taken seriously and sustained?
What are Boundaries?
Boundaries in relationships can be defined as what exactly you feel comfortable with and how you would like to be treated. We all have limits; sometimes these are just naturally respected, and sometimes they need to be clearly communicated.
The Five Different Types of Boundaries
- Physical: Your personal space, privacy, and your body.
- Sexual: What you feel comfortable with sexually, what you want regarding intimacy, and comments sexual in nature.
- Financial: How you spend your money and whether you want to loan or give money to others.
- Intellectual: Your thoughts and beliefs (i.e.: having them respected and not diminished).
- Emotional: Your feelings (for example: how much you want to share and how others regard your feelings.)
The Areas of Life Where Boundaries Might Be Necessary
- Personal relationships. This is probably the area where boundaries are most important, but also the most difficult to implement. We sometimes put off communicating our boundaries because we are worried that if we do, the other person will reject us and end the relationship. But love relationships and friendships without boundaries are likely to result in feelings of resentment, anger, and disappointment.
- Work. This can be both with your customers or clients, coworkers, or supervisor. Of course, our ability to set boundaries with our employer is at times limited, but because of this, there are even laws in place to help us maintain personal safety in work environments.
- With strangers. A lot of us have been socialized to value politeness. But if someone is making you feel uncomfortable by not respecting your boundaries (for example: invading your personal space or saying disrespectful things), this is your permission to be ‘rude’ and walk away. Being polite cannot be valued over your feelings of personal safety.
How to Set Boundaries
- Know Your self-worth. If you struggle with self-esteem issues, this is nothing to be ashamed of. Most of us struggle with this at some point in our life. But in order to set and maintain boundaries, you must continue to remind yourself that you are worthy. No matter what has happened in the past, or what you have done or not done in the past, you are worthy of having your emotional, financial, intellectual, sexual, and physical boundaries respected.
- The sooner the better! Of course, it is totally fine if you have been in a relationship with someone for 12 years and then decide to set a new boundary with them. But if you know your boundaries about certain things, communicate these as soon into a relationship as you can. That way, you are setting a healthy precedent for mutual limits to be respected.
- Don’t be too harsh or too lenient. If you set boundaries that are overly rigid or too lenient, it is going to be more difficult to sustain them long-term. For example, if a parent is overly lenient with their teenager and does not give them a specific curfew, they may have some sleepless nights and then feel as though they need to go back after the fact and set a time for them to be home. On the other hand, if a parent grounds their kid from social media ‘forever,’ it is probably going to be difficult to maintain this punishment any longer than a few months.
- Communicate clearly and concretely. Communicating our thoughts, feelings and boundaries in an assertive way can feel really scary. But if you don’t use assertive communication, you risk coming across as ‘wishy-washy’ and the other person not even really understanding what it is that you are asking them to do or not do. Here is an example of how to communicate a boundary using assertive communication skills: “I like when we hold hands and kiss, but I do not want to do that in public.”
- Be respectful of others’ boundaries. The best way to model is good boundaries is to respect the boundaries of others. In addition, it is not fair to expect those around you to respect your wishes about something like physical space, when you do not do the same.
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