10 Things to Try Right Now if You Are Struggling After the Death of a Loved One
By: Jessica Taylor, LPC
Grieving is just one of those human experiences where we have no idea how it feels until we are there. In addition, we live in a society that often fosters what Claire Bidwell Smith calls “an unsympathetic grief culture.” What this looks like for the person grieving is a feeling of not wanting to burden others with their sadness or feeling as though they have a certain amount of time to grieve and then should ‘move on’. And then on the other side, you have the person who wants to be supportive of the griever but isn’t sure of what the ‘right’ thing to say or do is. This means that we are paralyzed by these concerns and do nothing—we just hope that things will get better with time. Doing nothing is actually the worst thing we can do when faced with the task or either grieving or supporting a griever. David Kessler is a grief expert and recommends trying these 10 things if you are feeling overwhelmed by grief. If you yourself are not personally grieving, it might be helpful to determine if there are any of these things that you can do with a person you love who is going through the grief process.
- Take a Walk Everyday
- Kessler states that we must symbolically and physically keep moving after someone we love dies. This can be a short walk, or a longer one, but set the goal for yourself to get outside and walk every day. We know the physical and chemical benefits of moving our bodies, but it is also important for you to be out and interacting with the world during this time.
- Name Three Things You Were Able to Do That Day
- Before you go to bed, make it a part of your nighttime routine to either write down a list, or say to yourself three things that you were able to do that day. For example: “I went for a walk, I opened the mail, and I made myself a smoothie.”
- Engage With the World
- When we lose someone, it feels as though the whole world has stopped. Or maybe it just feels like it should stop. You just want to scream: “How can you go to a baseball game right now, when my mom is not here anymore?” Because of this, you must prove to yourself that the world has continued moving and that means you can too. Engage with the world by reading the newspaper or watching the news for 30 minutes each day.
- Send the Person That You Lost Love
- When in the midst of grief, sometimes our brain decides to do some unhelpful things. This can look like dwelling on feelings of guilt, thoughts about how the person died, or on painful images of the person you lost before they passed. When this happens, divert your attention to instead sending that person love. It doesn’t matter what your beliefs are about the afterlife; when we lose someone with whom we had a deep connection, that connection you have to them doesn’t die just because they are gone. So take a moment and think to yourself or say out loud: “I am sending you love.”
- Distract Yourself
- It’s okay to take a mental break from it all sometimes. Do something that is going to distract your mind for a bit, such as watching your favorite movie, reading an engaging book, or taking a nap.
- Talk About Your Loss
- As Kessler says: “grief must be witnessed.” Call the friend that likes to talk about ‘deep’ things and ask if you can talk about how you are feeling, or share memories about the person you lost. In addition, therapy is a great space for this. You will never be a burden on your therapist, no matter how long you need to grieve.
- Recognize Something in Your Life That Continues On
- Try to be mindful of the things around you that continue. This can be the flower garden planted outside or the other relationships you still have.
- Do Something Nice for Yourself
- Treat yourself to something that feels good. Depending on your resources, this can be getting a massage, taking a day off from work, going on a weekend trip to the mountains, or getting a haircut.
- Write Down Three Things That You Have Always Wanted to Do
- What are at least three things that you always wanted to do, but never got the chance before your loved one died? This can be learning a new hobby, going back to school, or taking a trip to a place you’ve never been.
- Do Something for Someone Else
- It’s okay if it takes a while for you to get to the place where you have the capacity to do this one. But helping others can be a transformative experience if you are feeling ‘stuck’ in grief.