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Are You a People-Pleaser? Here’s What You Need to Know

By: Jessica Taylor, LPC Are you worried that you might be a people-pleaser?  As a therapist, I know that people-pleasing is something that a lot of people struggle with.  Clients are constantly asking me to help them stop being such a people-pleaser. If you think that you might be a people-pleaser, keep reading to learn about the traits of people-pleasing, how it can negatively impact your life, and how to stop engaging in people-pleasing behaviors. A Few Initial Thoughts on People-Pleasing  First, I kind of despise that term- “people pleasing.”  I think that we need to find a different one.  Maybe I’m alone in this, but I think it has a negative sound to it, when in reality, people-pleasing should not be something considered shameful, as it is so common!  And it actually has some positive aspects to it.  It often means that you care about other people and that you value forming connections with others. But despite all of that, the tendency to people-please does need to be addressed, because people-pleasing ultimately means you are putting yourself completely on the backburner. You are worthy of connections that are not reliant on you putting your needs, emotions, etc. on the side in order to keep other people happy.  And finally, the people who genuinely love and care for you don’t want you to put your needs last.  They want you to speak up and get your needs met and your feelings heard! Are You a People-Pleaser? Are you unsure of whether you even are a people pleaser?  Well, then ask yourself these questions: Do you struggle to say ‘no’ or set appropriate boundaries with others? Are you scared of others being mad at you, or seeing you in a negative light? Do you feel like your needs come after everyone else’s? Do you want everyone to like you, even the people that you don’t like? Do you ruminate or obsess about what others think of you? Are you always saying “sorry” for things, even if they weren’t your fault? Do you feel as though you hide your “true self” because you are worried others won’t like what they see? Do you struggle with low self-esteem, as evidenced by often buying into negative thoughts about yourself? If you answered yes to a lot of these questions, you are probably a people pleaser.  ` How People-Pleasing Can Negatively Impact Your Life There are a lot of negative ways that “people pleasing” can impact our daily functioning, our self-esteem, and mental health. Here are a few of those ways: –You are setting a bad precedent in relationships. –You could get taken advantage of. –It can cause resentments and hurt feelings in your relationships –It will lower your self-esteem. –It can lead to symptoms of anxiety or depression. If You’re a People-Pleaser, What Should You Do About it? You must believe that you CAN stop people-pleasing! Start by repeating after me: “Not everyone needs to like me! Not every single person is my “cup of tea,” so why would I be every single person’s “cup of tea?” Of course, knowing that someone is mad at you, or doesn’t like you is an uncomfortable feeling, but is avoiding that discomfort worth feeling like a doormat? Get real with yourself—explore where the people-pleasing comes from (i.e.: trauma, family systems, low self-esteem) This work is best done with a therapist, because simply put, it can be painful or just kind of hard to do on your own, without an outside perspective. Spend time WITH yourself, not just BY yourself. This can be done by doing things like journaling or meditating about your thoughts and feelings. Find and engage in hobbies that make you feel good and/or challenge you. Write down the personal traits and skills that you want to develop. List the things that you already like about yourself. Say “no” to something and sit with any uncomfortable feelings that come up with that. REPEAT! This takes practice and the urge to people-please may always come up, but if you keep practicing these things, then the people-pleasing behaviors will become less powerful over time. Your self-worth will become more powerful than the urge to people-please. So, there you have it! How to start the process of not being a people-pleaser any longer.  If you feel that you might need help in your journey to stop people-pleasing, therapy is a great place to start.

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What You Need to Know About Setting Boundaries

What You Need to Know About Setting Boundaries By: Jessica Taylor, LPC The idea of setting boundaries has become increasingly popular.  But how many of us actually know what that means?  Okay, maybe you know what setting boundaries means, but do you know when and how to set them so that they are taken seriously and sustained?   What are Boundaries? Boundaries in relationships can be defined as what exactly you feel comfortable with and how you would like to be treated.  We all have limits; sometimes these are just naturally respected, and sometimes they need to be clearly communicated.   The Five Different Types of Boundaries Physical: Your personal space, privacy, and your body.   Sexual: What you feel comfortable with sexually, what you want regarding intimacy, and comments sexual in nature.  Financial: How you spend your money and whether you want to loan or give money to others.   Intellectual: Your thoughts and beliefs (i.e.: having them respected and not diminished).  Emotional: Your feelings (for example: how much you want to share and how others regard your feelings.)   The Areas of Life Where Boundaries Might Be Necessary Personal relationships.  This is probably the area where boundaries are most important, but also the most difficult to implement.  We sometimes put off communicating our boundaries because we are worried that if we do, the other person will reject us and end the relationship.  But love relationships and friendships without boundaries are likely to result in feelings of resentment, anger, and disappointment.   Work. This can be both with your customers or clients, coworkers, or supervisor.  Of course, our ability to set boundaries with our employer is at times limited, but because of this, there are even laws in place to help us maintain personal safety in work environments.      With strangers.  A lot of us have been socialized to value politeness.  But if someone is making you feel uncomfortable by not respecting your boundaries (for example: invading your personal space or saying disrespectful things), this is your permission to be ‘rude’ and walk away.  Being polite cannot be valued over your feelings of personal safety.   How to Set Boundaries Know Your self-worth. If you struggle with self-esteem issues, this is nothing to be ashamed of.  Most of us struggle with this at some point in our life.  But in order to set and maintain boundaries, you must continue to remind yourself that you are worthy.  No matter what has happened in the past, or what you have done or not done in the past, you are worthy of having your emotional, financial, intellectual, sexual, and physical boundaries respected.   The sooner the better!  Of course, it is totally fine if you have been in a relationship with someone for 12 years and then decide to set a new boundary with them.  But if you know your boundaries about certain things, communicate these as soon into a relationship as you can.  That way, you are setting a healthy precedent for mutual limits to be respected.       Don’t be too harsh or too lenient. If you set boundaries that are overly rigid or too lenient, it is going to be more difficult to sustain them long-term.  For example, if a parent is overly lenient with their teenager and does not give them a specific curfew, they may have some sleepless nights and then feel as though they need to go back after the fact and set a time for them to be home.  On the other hand, if a parent grounds their kid from social media ‘forever,’ it is probably going to be difficult to maintain this punishment any longer than a few months.   Communicate clearly and concretely. Communicating our thoughts, feelings and boundaries in an assertive way can feel really scary.  But if you don’t use assertive communication, you risk coming across as ‘wishy-washy’ and the other person not even really understanding what it is that you are asking them to do or not do.  Here is an example of how to communicate a boundary using assertive communication skills: “I like when we hold hands and kiss, but I do not want to do that in public.”   Be respectful of others’ boundaries. The best way to model is good boundaries is to respect the boundaries of others.  In addition, it is not fair to expect those around you to respect your wishes about something like physical space, when you do not do the same.    Sources:  https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries#types https://lifegoalsmag.com/set-healthy-boundaries/ 

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