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Do’s and Don’ts When Your Loved One has been Sexually Assaulted

If your loved one has been sexually assaulted or sexually abused in the past, it can be very difficult to know how best to support them. Here’s a reference of Do’s and Don’ts for the survivor in your life. DO Be informed about sexual assault. Learn about common trauma effects and know what to expect. Be available, both emotionally and physically. Listen to your loved one if they want to talk to you. Help them problem-solve and offer suggestions if they are open to it, and always after listening and validating their feelings. Avoid any statements that may seem judgmental to the survivor; they already struggle with self-blame. Remind them of their strengths. Encourage them. Mirror the parts of their personality that they find positive. Help them engage in fun and interesting activities. Respect their need for boundaries and privacy. If the survivor is your intimate partner, make sure to talk about sexual boundaries and be patient in this area. Gently challenge shame and self-blame by reminding survivors that it’s not their fault, and you are glad that they survived. DON’T Ask too many questions about the assault itself; it’s understandable to be curious or want to know, but be wary of asking questions only to help your own feelings rather than to support them. Treat them with kid gloves; this can re-enforce negative thinking patterns that they are ‘broken’ or ‘damaged’ in some way. Bring up the assault if they do not want to talk about it. Assume that all of their feelings are related to the assault; everyone can have a bad day. Try to rescue them from their feelings or “fix” them. Expect them to return quickly to how they were “before.” Be very patient and understand that a sexual assault will change a survivor. If your loved one needs counseling, help them set up an appointment. If you need support for yourself, don’t hesitate to reach out to a local counselor as well, your feelings are important.

If Your Loved One was Sexually Assaulted, Be the Boundary-Setter

Being involved with a survivor of sexual assault can be an all-consuming process. Keeping in mind that many trauma effects show up in relationships, and it’s important for you to set appropriate and healthy boundaries. Take Care of your own Self-Care by setting Boundaries Often, a survivor feels totally overwhelmed by his or her emotions. As a natural reaction, they will lash out at a person that they feel is safe and will not abandon them. While it’s an understandable process, being on the receiving end of a survivor’s anger, frustration, or hopelessness can be difficult. It’s important for your own self-care as a supporter to set boundaries with the survivor. It’s appropriate and healthy to have time apart, or to have a “time out” if you are feeling like a punching bag or a container for all of the survivor’s feelings. If your relationship with the survivor begins to feel too strained or you are being blamed for things that are not your fault, it’s important to speak up. Here are some ideas and sentences for setting boundaries with survivors: I know you are upset right now, but it’s not okay to speak to me that way. I am here for you through this process, and it’s important that I get respect along the way. I hear you are angry, and I’m finding myself getting defensive. I need to take a little break. I am here for you and not leaving, but I am taking a time out right now. I’m here to listen, but I’m not the best equipped to hear all of this right now. Can you journal about this or talk to your therapist? It can be very difficult to set boundaries with a survivor and communicate the limits around what you can hear. Setting firm boundaries while being gentle helps the survivor see what boundaries are like, and helps them learn that relationships need boundaries. Even if the survivor is hurt or angry for a time, you are modeling for them and helping them learn about boundaries.

Was I Sexually Harassed? How to Tell and How to Move Forward

The Effects of Sexual Harassment, and How To Moved Forward if You Were Harassed at Work. There’s big news going around about the predatory behavior of Harvey Weinstein. Multitudes of women has come forward about being harassed by him and having their boundaries violated. Unfortunately, sexual harassment is really, really common. Just look through you Facebook and Instagram feed and see your friends saying #metoo. What Does Sexual Harassment Look Like? Sexual harassment is unwelcome sexual conduct that interferes with one’s job and creates a hostile work environment. It can occur as either a single isolated incident or repeated incidents over time (often escalating in severity as the harasser learns he or she can ‘get away with it.’) Sexual harassment includes: Showing or bringing in offensive materials into the workplace (like sharing links or videos that are sexual in nature, or targeted at someone in particular) Sexual comments like pickup lines or comments about your body or physical appearance Inappropriate touching (there’s really never a reason to touch a co-worker) Here’s the thing about sexual harassment, it’s often cloaked in the form of a joke, and therefore it’s sometimes hard for victims to ascribe malicious intent to the harassment. But the intent is not the issue; if the effect of a joke or comment or action makes you go ‘eew’, feel uncomfortable and not safe in your workplace, then that’s harassment. How To Move Forward if You Were Harassed At Work If this has happened to you (which, odds are, it has), here’s some things to do to move forward, heal, and continue to succeed at your job: Report it I know this is a hard one. There’s lots of power dynamics in workplaces, and lots of gendered narratives about sexual harassment at work. It’s hard to feel like you can make in-roads with the ‘all-boys club’ if you are pointing out inappropriate behavior. You might feel like you’ll lose your job or a future promotion if you report it. But this toxic culture of the workplace needs to stop, and if HR departments all over the country received a flood of reports, then they would be forced to make a change. Name what happened to you, and know that you’re not alone. Sexual harassment can be hard to pin down. We minimize it a lot. We think ‘well he was just joking’ or ‘he wasn’t really talking about me.’ But if you feel really uncomfortable deep down, if you have that ‘ick’ factor about your workplace, that’s harassment. You are not alone. A recent survey found that 1 in 3 women reported being harassed at work (and about one-third reported it) Talk About It There’s something very healing about talking about difficult experiences. We get to process through what happened, and be supported by others.You can talk to a trusted friend, family member, or a counselor. It’s important to process what happened, move through those emotions, and let it rest in the past. Be Aware of Your Mental Health Being a victim of Sexual Harassment has been linked to increased risk of depression. If you’re feeling depressed, hopeless, or feel that you can’t stop thinking about the past, consider getting a professional evaluation of you mental health so that you can get the help that you need. I’ve worked with many clients who has experience sexual harassment, and at times even their workplace paid for their treatment.

If Your Loved One was Sexually Assault -Therapist in Denver here to help

If Your Loved One was Sexually Assaulted-Be The Encourager

Healing from trauma is hard work. It’s exhausting and taxing. As a supporter, you can help by encouraging the survivor to continue doing their work of healing while validating how difficult the process is. Sometimes we all need a word of encouragement to continue down an uncomfortable path. Make time to encourage the survivor in your life, letting them know they can do it and that you have faith in them. Here are some things to say to encourage the survivor in your life: You’re doing a great job, I can’t imagine who difficult this must be for you. I know it’s hard to do this healing work, keep at it. I saw that you used that new coping tool you learned in your group, great job. How can I help you to stay on your healing path? Can I help you find a therapist to talk through this? You seem overwhelmed but you’re doing a great job right now, let’s slow things down and talk about it. If your Loved One has stopped their healing process As a trauma therapist, I know first-hand that healing is really hard work, and sometimes people ‘drop out’ of their process. They could stop seeing their therapist, stop going to their group, stop utilizing coping tools and turn to unhelpful ones such as using substances to ‘numb out’ or shutting down their feelings. It happens, and it’s scary for those who love them and only want to see them get better. As the Encourager, you can support them by helping them re-enter their healing process and remind them of the progress that you see when they are working on these things. When the survivor is in their healing process, it can be difficult to see their progress, so make sure that you are reminding them in concrete ways of how their work is helping and encourage them to continue. Be their cheerleader, they need one right now.

If Your Loved One is Sexually Assaulted-Be the Encourager

If your loved one is sexually assaulted, you might now know what to do. For example, your girlfriend may be raped, or your boyfriend opens up and tells you that he was molested as a child. A friend may tell you in hushed tones that she was sexually assaulted by a friend or someone she was dating. I get asked often what do to if your loved one is sexually assaulted, and one important thing to do is to remember your role with them. One of your roles is to encourage them- Be an Encourager. Healing from trauma is hard work. It’s exhausting and taxing. As a supporter, you can help by encouraging the survivor to continue doing their work of healing while validating how difficult the process is. Sometimes we all need a word of encouragement to continue down an uncomfortable path. Make time to encourage the survivor in your life, letting them know they can do it and that you have faith in them. Here are some things you can say to encourage your loved one if they are sexually assaulted: I can see how hard this is, and I’m proud of you I bet it was really hard to go to therapy today Thank you for telling me how I can help you in this moment You’re doing a good job taking care of yourself-you must be exhuasted I see all your hard work to heal, I see your progress even if you can’t right now

If Your Loved One is Sexually Assaulted: Be The Listener-Not The Fixer

Most loved ones ask me about the single most important thing they can do to help a survivor. My answer is always the same: you need to be a listener. It sounds very simple, but it’s a difficult task to simply listen and not try to “fix” anything. When someone we love is in pain, it’s natural to try to bring them out of that pain or help them identify the cause. Just like the survivor is learning to practice acceptance and to simply be with their emotions, your job is to listen and validate how they feel. When you focus on being a “fixer,” the survivor is often left feeling unheard and frustrated. When listening to your loved one, be sure to communicate that you are hearing them and validate their feelings. You can say things like: That must be very hard to deal with. I would feel the same way in your situation. I can see where you are coming from. That must be difficult, and I want you to know that I hear you and I’m here for you. If you find yourself being pulled into “fixer mode,” and you do want to make a suggestion, make sure that you ask first. You can always help your loved one to problem-solve while avoiding invalidating them. You can say, “I hear you and I wonder if you want some help with this? I could give you some suggestions but I want to make sure that would feel okay for you.”