Being involved with a survivor of sexual assault can be an all-consuming process. Keeping in mind that many trauma effects show up in relationships, and it’s important for you to set appropriate and healthy boundaries.
Take Care of your own Self-Care by setting Boundaries
Often, a survivor feels totally overwhelmed by his or her emotions. As a natural reaction, they will lash out at a person that they feel is safe and will not abandon them. While it’s an understandable process, being on the receiving end of a survivor’s anger, frustration, or hopelessness can be difficult. It’s important for your own self-care as a supporter to set boundaries with the survivor. It’s appropriate and healthy to have time apart, or to have a “time out” if you are feeling like a punching bag or a container for all of the survivor’s feelings. If your relationship with the survivor begins to feel too strained or you are being blamed for things that are not your fault, it’s important to speak up.
Here are some ideas and sentences for setting boundaries with survivors:
- I know you are upset right now, but it’s not okay to speak to me that way.
- I am here for you through this process, and it’s important that I get respect along the way.
- I hear you are angry, and I’m finding myself getting defensive. I need to take a little break. I am here for you and not leaving, but I am taking a time out right now.
- I’m here to listen, but I’m not the best equipped to hear all of this right now. Can you journal about this or talk to your therapist?
It can be very difficult to set boundaries with a survivor and communicate the limits around what you can hear. Setting firm boundaries while being gentle helps the survivor see what boundaries are like, and helps them learn that relationships need boundaries. Even if the survivor is hurt or angry for a time, you are modeling for them and helping them learn about boundaries.