Most loved ones ask me about the single most important thing they can do to help a survivor. My answer is always the same: you need to be a listener. It sounds very simple, but it’s a difficult task to simply listen and not try to “fix” anything. When someone we love is in pain, it’s natural to try to bring them out of that pain or help them identify the cause. Just like the survivor is learning to practice acceptance and to simply be with their emotions, your job is to listen and validate how they feel. When you focus on being a “fixer,” the survivor is often left feeling unheard and frustrated.
When listening to your loved one, be sure to communicate that you are hearing them and validate their feelings. You can say things like:
- That must be very hard to deal with.
- I would feel the same way in your situation.
- I can see where you are coming from.
- That must be difficult, and I want you to know that I hear you and I’m here for you.
If you find yourself being pulled into “fixer mode,” and you do want to make a suggestion, make sure that you ask first. You can always help your loved one to problem-solve while avoiding invalidating them. You can say, “I hear you and I wonder if you want some help with this? I could give you some suggestions but I want to make sure that would feel okay for you.”