By: Jessica Taylor, LPC Making Friends as an Adult Can Be Tough Making friends in adulthood.  This either comes naturally to you, or it feels like a huge (sometimes embarrassing) obstacle.  As an introvert, I am definitely a part of the latter group.  Making new friends has never felt very easy for me, so making friends in my 30’s?  Really tough.  But have no fear!  It IS possible to make new connections throughout your entire life.  Since this is a personal struggle for me, I have been mindful of taking action steps in this area and can report that I am making new connections!  I am never one to gatekeep, so here is a list of do’s and don’ts that I think you should consider if you want to make more friends as an adult. Do’s and Don’ts for Making New Friends as an Adult DON’T shame yourself.  Shame only feeds the negative thought monster.  When we go down the rabbit hole and allow ourselves to buy into negative and unhelpful thoughts, this makes our anxiety, self-esteem, avoidance worse.  And what happens when all those things are worse?  The last thing you want to do is put yourself out there to make new connections.  You want to stay home and protect yourself. So, please know that having trouble making new friends during adulthood is completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of. DO get creative.  It seems as though a huge factor for adults struggling to make new friends in recent years is residual social impacts from the pandemic.  Companies are just now starting to bring their employees back to the office, but even then, it is often a ‘hybrid’ model.  If you are someone who works from home, you have fewer opportunities to network with your coworkers, which is an easy way to expand your social network. This means you need to get creative! Here are some ideas for opportunities outside of your day-to-day schedule: Download the BumbleBFF Ask a close friend if you can join them next time they go to happy hour with their work friends. Message an old friend or acquaintance that you lost touch with for no reason. Join a just-for-fun club sports league. Check out what groups there are in your area on Meetup. Engage in a hobby that you’ve always wanted to try (pottery or mixology class, hiking group, etc.) DO practice desensitization. If you have been avoiding making new social connections for a while now, then your brain is accustomed to sending you fear signals.    It wants to keep you in avoidance mode.  This is because you have trained it to believe that it must protect you from social situations.  If this is the case, you must work on re-training your brain.  One way you can do this is to first think of the social situation that you fear the most (i.e. going to a new hiking group by yourself).  Then, break the action steps down into 5-10 TINY action steps.  Start taking one of the action steps each week, while regulating your body (usually with deep breaths) as it sends you fear signals (butterflies in your stomach, shakiness, chest pains, negative thoughts, etc.) Here’s an example of what this looks like: Step 1: Think about downloading the Meetup app. Step 2: Download the app. Step 3: Create a profile. Step 4: Pick a group you are interested in. Step 5: Apply to join the group on their next hike. Step 6: Think about all of the things that will happen when you go on the hike with the Meetup group. Step 7: Think of some questions you can ask other people in the group, or topics you can bring up to talk about. Step 8: Actually go on the hike! Step 9: Process how that went and what you might do differently next time. DO learn more about yourself. If your avoidance of social situations has something to do with your personality, a great way to reduce shame is to learn about yourself.  If you are introverted, you might be surprised by things about yourself that are related to being an introvert and not just because you are ‘weird’ or anxious.  I actually created a free training about dating as an introvert.  If you want me to send this to you, feel free to email me at Jessica@thrivecounselingdenver.com and I will send it right over! Another option is seeking out books about being introverted, having social anxiety, etc. DO seek out support. If you think that you might have social anxiety, or some other mental health symptoms that are preventing you from making new friends, seek out support!  A therapist can help you identify barriers and gain the coping skills you need to manage any discomfort that comes up related to putting yourself out there and making new friends as an adult.

Are you wondering how to know if your relationship is the right one? Relationship therapist, Jessica Taylor, breaks it down into 6 warning signs that you need to keep an eye out for.

Amelia Elkins, LCSW, CAS In 2023, choosing your dating app is like choosing your drink at Starbucks; there are a lot of options out there! While Tinder and Bumble are decent choices, they can be overwhelming and hard to sift through. Here is a curated list to help trim down the excess noise and let you focus on what’s important in dating: Higher Quality Matches: >Hinge: With detailed profiles, conversation starters, and a high-quality algorithm, Hinge aims to connect like-minded individuals and reduce the fluff. >The League: If you’re busy, picky, and ready to meet someone then The League is for you. A membership-based platform for success driven individuals, they even offer matchmaking services if you want to take it up a notch. >E-Harmony: An oldie but goodie, E-Harmony is still a great option for folks serious about meeting someone. Also, being that it is membership-based, this service matches based on compatibility.  It acquires more information for better matches, and seems to attract relationship-focused individuals. Spirituality Focused: >JDate: This app focuses on bringing Jewish singles together for long term relationships. With the largest number of Jewish users of any other app, this is a great place to start. >Christian Mingle: With over 15 million Christian users, Christian Mingle is the number one app for Christian focused singles. They also offer a range of communication tools to make connection easier. >Meet Mindful: A dating and connection app focused on bringing together intention, health, and mindfulness. This is a great option for folks who prioritize fitness, meditation, and value this in a partner. Specific Population: >Stir: This app is for all the single parents out there. By taking the awkwardness of addressing having kids out of the equation, there’s more time for meaningful connections to be made. >Kindred: Can’t have children, don’t want children, or are a parent who has a child and doesn’t want more? This is the app for you. >Feeld: An app focused on non-monogamous dating that believes in inclusivity and connection. This app even allows couples to create an account together. >HER: Created by women, for women, this app is for LGBTQIA2S+ individuals to build community and date. HER values safety, support, and connection. Still overwhelmed? Therapy may be a great place to get support around your dating profile, app or dating connections. Reach out today to get started with one of our relationship experts!

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Amelia Elkins, LCSW, CAS “Date night is important, even if it’s going to Schlotzsky’s” -Brad Paisley Date Night is Important Whether six months into a relationship or married for 20 years, making designated time for connection with your partner is crucial to relationship success. Emotional connection is often credited as being the number one factor in keeping relationships strong (more on this here.) In today’s world there are numerous distractions like screens, pets, children, work, and obligations.  These all make is extremely challenging to find uninterrupted time.  One of the best things I recommend for my clients is to set aside time once every two weeks to once a month for concrete connection. This may be as simple as one hour over coffee before going to work, or more complex, such as a night away. Regardless of budget, date night can be achieved. Here are some creative ideas in the Denver area to spice things up:   Free Art Walks: Denver is home to several great art neighborhoods; Santa Fe Art District and RiNo Art District. Both offer free art walks and there are often food trucks galore if you’re hungry. Take time to discuss what pieces you like, versus which you don’t and why. Make a rule to have phones silenced as best you can to be present. More on these here: https://denversartdistrict.org/first-friday/ https://rinoartdistrict.org/visit/first-fridays   Cooking Class: The couple that cooks together, stays together? Another great way to be present on a date night is to do something hands on. And what better way than to learn new skills in the kitchen! Here are some great options for local classes: https://denvercookingclasses.com https://cookstreet.com/product-category/one-night-classes/ https://www.cozymeal.com/denver/cooking-classes https://www.stirtolearn.com/new-page-2   Indoor Rock Climbing: This is another great option to ensure presence on a date, while also moving your body and trying something new. Several locations offer a free tour and an option to “show you the ropes” for your first climb. What a great way to support each other trying something new! Here are options around Denver: https://movementgyms.com/first-visit/ https://denverboulderingclub.com/first-visit/ https://ugclimbing.com/denver/

Amelia Elkins, LCSW, CAS What is Love Bombing?  At this point, the terms “gaslighting” and “ghosting” are commonly used in today’s dating language lingo. But what about love bombing? According to Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, love bombing is when someone “bombs” you with extreme displays of attention and affection. In the beginning of a relationship, the difference between infatuation and love bombing could be confusing. Here are three common themes to help you recognize whether you are being love bombed in a relationship. 1.) Feeling Smothered A love bomber will go to great lengths to spend as much time as possible with their partner. This may look like inviting themselves to outings, overstaying a welcome, and/or putting their needs before their partner’s. Obviously, in the beginning of a relationship this can be confusing to differentiate. There is a difference between wanting to spend lots of time together versus recognizing space is healthy.  Time away from our partner helps develop stronger relationships in the long run. If a partner came over every Friday night and is just leaving Monday morning, in the beginning of dating, this could be an example of love bombing. More on this here. 2.)  Big Gestures Another component of love bombing includes large gestures like flowers, trips, dinners, and gifts. Sounds great right? This is how most get sucked into a love bombing relationship. Important factors to notice are a sense of deep connection that is almost forced, such as intense eye connection, talks about the future and committing to plans, and excessive flattery. Or maybe the love bomber is saying ‘I love you’ when you aren’t ready. Again, some of this is normal in the beginning of a relationship and should be happening, but it’s the extent and level of intensity to watch out for. More on this here. 3.)  Control Lastly, with a love bomber, things will inevitably begin to shift and lead to a sense of dominance. Constant texting, calling, or checking in may become the norm and before you know it, you are in an abusive situation. This is where gaslighting may start to show up and things become super confusing. This phase may also result in the love bomber trying to separate you from friends and family to create sole reliance on them. This may look like the love bomber becoming upset if you spend time with friends or family instead of them. More on this here. How to Know the Difference Lastly, components of healthy infatuation include a honeymoon phase where of course one desires to be with their partner and feels amazing around them. The difference is, there is space, separation, and healthy boundaries around wants and needs. Fantasizing about the future is normal but committing to things a year out after only a few weeks or months of dating is a little too intense.  Interested in exploring more about love bombing? Therapy is a great way to process the healthy vs. challenging components of a relationship. Reach out today to get started.

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Four Questions to Reset Any Type of Relationship Amelia Elkins, LCSW, CAS “Connection is why we’re here: It gives purpose and meaning to our lives” -Brené Brown Relationships serve so many purposes in our lives. Friendship, family, romance, and workplace dynamics are just a few examples of the types of relationships which help us feel connected. Support, laughter, play, consultation, and love are just a few reasons we have relationships in the first place. The benefits of connection are endless and research has found connection improves physical health and mental well-being (http://ccare.stanford.edu/uncategorized/connectedness-health-the-science-of-social-connection-infographic/). As with anything in life, relationships also take commitment and maintenance. Here are four basic but important questions to enhance any type of relationship: What is going well in the relationship? How have we persevered to this point? Whether a friend, coworker, or intimate partner, it can be easy to focus on the negative. Exploring the positive aspects of the relationship is a great starting point.   What feels important to work on or address in our relationship? Every relationship has challenges and by naming them connection may not only be improved but sustained. Management vs. fixing is a great place to start (https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-vs-resolving-conflict-relationships-blueprints-success/).   What is one new activity we can commit to together this month? How may engaging in something new improve the dynamic? Again, whether this is a work outing or new date night idea, fresh perspective can lead to new energy and commitment.   Are there any ways to improve communication moving forward in our relationship? Focusing on active listening means being present, engaged, and interested. Basics like eye contact, body language, and reducing distractions such as electronics are a great way to reset the communicative relationship. More on this here: https://psychcentral.com/health/steps-to-better-communication-today#practical-tips.