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Do’s and Don’ts When Your Loved One has been Sexually Assaulted

If your loved one has been sexually assaulted or sexually abused in the past, it can be very difficult to know how best to support them. Here’s a reference of Do’s and Don’ts for the survivor in your life. DO Be informed about sexual assault. Learn about common trauma effects and know what to expect. Be available, both emotionally and physically. Listen to your loved one if they want to talk to you. Help them problem-solve and offer suggestions if they are open to it, and always after listening and validating their feelings. Avoid any statements that may seem judgmental to the survivor; they already struggle with self-blame. Remind them of their strengths. Encourage them. Mirror the parts of their personality that they find positive. Help them engage in fun and interesting activities. Respect their need for boundaries and privacy. If the survivor is your intimate partner, make sure to talk about sexual boundaries and be patient in this area. Gently challenge shame and self-blame by reminding survivors that it’s not their fault, and you are glad that they survived. DON’T Ask too many questions about the assault itself; it’s understandable to be curious or want to know, but be wary of asking questions only to help your own feelings rather than to support them. Treat them with kid gloves; this can re-enforce negative thinking patterns that they are ‘broken’ or ‘damaged’ in some way. Bring up the assault if they do not want to talk about it. Assume that all of their feelings are related to the assault; everyone can have a bad day. Try to rescue them from their feelings or “fix” them. Expect them to return quickly to how they were “before.” Be very patient and understand that a sexual assault will change a survivor. If your loved one needs counseling, help them set up an appointment. If you need support for yourself, don’t hesitate to reach out to a local counselor as well, your feelings are important.

If Your Loved One was Sexually Assaulted, Be the Boundary-Setter

Being involved with a survivor of sexual assault can be an all-consuming process. Keeping in mind that many trauma effects show up in relationships, and it’s important for you to set appropriate and healthy boundaries. Take Care of your own Self-Care by setting Boundaries Often, a survivor feels totally overwhelmed by his or her emotions. As a natural reaction, they will lash out at a person that they feel is safe and will not abandon them. While it’s an understandable process, being on the receiving end of a survivor’s anger, frustration, or hopelessness can be difficult. It’s important for your own self-care as a supporter to set boundaries with the survivor. It’s appropriate and healthy to have time apart, or to have a “time out” if you are feeling like a punching bag or a container for all of the survivor’s feelings. If your relationship with the survivor begins to feel too strained or you are being blamed for things that are not your fault, it’s important to speak up. Here are some ideas and sentences for setting boundaries with survivors: I know you are upset right now, but it’s not okay to speak to me that way. I am here for you through this process, and it’s important that I get respect along the way. I hear you are angry, and I’m finding myself getting defensive. I need to take a little break. I am here for you and not leaving, but I am taking a time out right now. I’m here to listen, but I’m not the best equipped to hear all of this right now. Can you journal about this or talk to your therapist? It can be very difficult to set boundaries with a survivor and communicate the limits around what you can hear. Setting firm boundaries while being gentle helps the survivor see what boundaries are like, and helps them learn that relationships need boundaries. Even if the survivor is hurt or angry for a time, you are modeling for them and helping them learn about boundaries.

To Move Past Your Past, Visit It.

I had a therapy session today with a brave and insightful young woman who is working hard to get past her past. She was sexually abused as a child, and she wants to move on from it. She says that it haunts her, and that she can’t stop thinking about the past. I was reminded today during our session one of important pillar of the work I do in counseling to get people to move on from their past; that to leave it behind, we actually need to re-visit it. Not being able to stop thinking about the past can be a sign of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It can also be a sign of just having a difficult time in your life, or feeling ‘stuck’ in general. Usually we try to cope with this by stuffing it down, telling ourselves to stop thinking about it, or focusing only on the present. Unfortunately, this way of coping doesn’t usually work in the long-term. We may be able to “forget about it” for a while, but it comes up again, often at the most inopportune times. Like when we want to start a new relationship, or be intimate with a partner, or even when things are finally “going right.” That’s when the past can come knocking. Today I was leading my client in a mindfulness exercise to prepare us for doing her trauma work; which for her is talking about her memories of abuse while I help her self-regulate, be calm, and integrate her feelings. This is hard work, and one of her fears about doing counseling is that he will get “stuck” in the past by talking about it. She’s worried that the bad feelings from the past will seep into the present and overpower her (sound familiar?) While we were doing a little meditation together, I reminded her that we visit the past, but we don’t live there. We set an intention together to be visit her past, explore it together, and then come back to the present together as well. It reminded me of one of the core prinicples od trauma treatment; that to move past your past, you have to visit it once again. So if you are struggling with constant thoughts about your past, or feel ‘stuck’ with it, try to visit it from time to time. Here’s what I recommend: Set a time and place that feels calm and you won’t be interrupted to visit your past. Set a time limit for yourself to do this, so it doesn’t feel never-ending (15-20 minutes is fine) Spent that time visiting the past by journaling about it, looking at pictures taken at that time, or making an art project or collage about it. While you’re doing this, try to stay with any uncomfortable feelings that come up (it’s hard, I know). If you feel overwhelmed, take a break. When your time is up, put away your journal, pictures, or art and spend a few minutes coming back to the present. Notice your own breathing or do a quick mindfulness meditation. Move on to the next activity that’s engaging for you. Remember that it’s a process. The first few times you visit the past it may be difficult, but over time it will become easier. Stick with it.

If Your Loved One was Sexually Assault -Therapist in Denver here to help

If Your Loved One was Sexually Assaulted-Be The Encourager

Healing from trauma is hard work. It’s exhausting and taxing. As a supporter, you can help by encouraging the survivor to continue doing their work of healing while validating how difficult the process is. Sometimes we all need a word of encouragement to continue down an uncomfortable path. Make time to encourage the survivor in your life, letting them know they can do it and that you have faith in them. Here are some things to say to encourage the survivor in your life: You’re doing a great job, I can’t imagine who difficult this must be for you. I know it’s hard to do this healing work, keep at it. I saw that you used that new coping tool you learned in your group, great job. How can I help you to stay on your healing path? Can I help you find a therapist to talk through this? You seem overwhelmed but you’re doing a great job right now, let’s slow things down and talk about it. If your Loved One has stopped their healing process As a trauma therapist, I know first-hand that healing is really hard work, and sometimes people ‘drop out’ of their process. They could stop seeing their therapist, stop going to their group, stop utilizing coping tools and turn to unhelpful ones such as using substances to ‘numb out’ or shutting down their feelings. It happens, and it’s scary for those who love them and only want to see them get better. As the Encourager, you can support them by helping them re-enter their healing process and remind them of the progress that you see when they are working on these things. When the survivor is in their healing process, it can be difficult to see their progress, so make sure that you are reminding them in concrete ways of how their work is helping and encourage them to continue. Be their cheerleader, they need one right now.

How Can I stop Thinking About the Past?

Whether you’re finding yourself thinking too much about the past, or obsessing over upsetting memories, it’s difficult to “get over” the past and live in the present. Part of the reason that it’s so difficult to stop ruminating about the past is due to how our brains are wired. Specific memories, feelings and thought patterns often arrange themselves together if they coalesce around a past event. There’s a saying in brain science that goes: What fires together, gets wired together. This basically means that we create well-worn “paths” in the neural structures of our brains that we can get caught in. Once we start thinking about one thing, it leads to the next and so on and on. Here are some concrete tools to stop thinking about the past: Notice when you are thinking too much about the past. Pay attention to where your mind is. If you’re obsessing about the past, say to yourself “I’m obsessing again, and I’m working on letting this stuff go.” 2. Use an Interruption Technique. This is where you jolt your mind out of the obsessive pattern by thinking about something else, moving your body around, giving your brain a new task (such as solving a simple math problem), or even singing to interrupt the ruminating on the past. 3. Re-write the story of the past event. Take a more balanced view of the past event and re-frame it as something both good and bad, not simply something bad that happened that you can beat yourself up over. For example, you could re-frame a job firing as: “I didn’t do well in that job, but I did learn new skills and I know what to work on in my next job.”

If Your Loved One is Sexually Assaulted-Be the Encourager

If your loved one is sexually assaulted, you might now know what to do. For example, your girlfriend may be raped, or your boyfriend opens up and tells you that he was molested as a child. A friend may tell you in hushed tones that she was sexually assaulted by a friend or someone she was dating. I get asked often what do to if your loved one is sexually assaulted, and one important thing to do is to remember your role with them. One of your roles is to encourage them- Be an Encourager. Healing from trauma is hard work. It’s exhausting and taxing. As a supporter, you can help by encouraging the survivor to continue doing their work of healing while validating how difficult the process is. Sometimes we all need a word of encouragement to continue down an uncomfortable path. Make time to encourage the survivor in your life, letting them know they can do it and that you have faith in them. Here are some things you can say to encourage your loved one if they are sexually assaulted: I can see how hard this is, and I’m proud of you I bet it was really hard to go to therapy today Thank you for telling me how I can help you in this moment You’re doing a good job taking care of yourself-you must be exhuasted I see all your hard work to heal, I see your progress even if you can’t right now

If Your Loved One is Sexually Assaulted: Be The Listener-Not The Fixer

Most loved ones ask me about the single most important thing they can do to help a survivor. My answer is always the same: you need to be a listener. It sounds very simple, but it’s a difficult task to simply listen and not try to “fix” anything. When someone we love is in pain, it’s natural to try to bring them out of that pain or help them identify the cause. Just like the survivor is learning to practice acceptance and to simply be with their emotions, your job is to listen and validate how they feel. When you focus on being a “fixer,” the survivor is often left feeling unheard and frustrated. When listening to your loved one, be sure to communicate that you are hearing them and validate their feelings. You can say things like: That must be very hard to deal with. I would feel the same way in your situation. I can see where you are coming from. That must be difficult, and I want you to know that I hear you and I’m here for you. If you find yourself being pulled into “fixer mode,” and you do want to make a suggestion, make sure that you ask first. You can always help your loved one to problem-solve while avoiding invalidating them. You can say, “I hear you and I wonder if you want some help with this? I could give you some suggestions but I want to make sure that would feel okay for you.”

3 Reasons Why Trauma Counseling Will Help You

There are events that happen to us in life that we can’t handle ourselves. These events often overcome our daily life, making us depressed, hopeless, and powerless to even get out of bed in the morning. Trauma can make it harder to live life, be happier, and see the good in everything around us. If you’re the victim of a traumatic event, trauma counseling will help you by working through the trauma and finding ways to cope with it so you can live a normal life. 3 Reasons Why Trauma Counseling Will Help You Live Life Help Alleviate and Deal with Flashbacks One of the hardest aspects of dealing with trauma is reliving the events repeatedly. These are called flashbacks. Flashbacks can be triggered by similar events or reminders of the trauma; they can come at any moment, often at the worst times when you’re at school, work, or out in public. These flashbacks can shut you down, making it impossible to go on with what you’re doing. Trauma counseling can help alleviate flashbacks and learn how to deal with them when they strike. These coping skills can help you live a more normal daily life as well as confront the trauma head-on to overcome it. Help You Function in Day-to-Day Life Trauma can make it hard to get out of bed in the morning, participate in conversations, or just get through a single day. Depression, lack of sleep, anxiety, hopelessness, and more can manifest from trauma which can make it hard to feel like your normal self. This can impact everything from your education to your work to your relationships with family and friends. Trauma counseling can help you develop coping skills for the aftermath of trauma, like overcoming flashbacks. You’ll be able to talk through your fears, identify triggers, and develop the skills to confront negative feelings and anxiety. Help You Form and Maintain Relationships When you’re dealing with a traumatic event, the way you’re coping often hurts the relationships you’ve built. This makes it even harder to have the support system you need around you to deal with trauma. While you aren’t intentionally trying to destroy your relationships, the symptoms your trauma takes on as you’re dealing with it can make you moody, angry, or withdrawn. When the people around you don’t understand that, it will be hard to form and maintain relationships. Trauma counseling can help you identify how you’re interacting with the people around you and what you could be doing differently. It can also help you learn how to talk to the important people in your life so they understand and are aware of what you’re going through. There’s many more reasons why trauma counseling will help you overcome the event in your life that’s making it difficult for you to live a normal life. If you’re dealing with trauma and need help, consider a trauma counselor to get you on the right track and develop the coping skills you need to get back on track.

4 ways to be intimate after a sexual assault

4 Ways To Be Intimate Again after a Sexual Assault

Here’s how to ease into being intimate again after a sexual assault.

Why Can’t I Stop Thinking About My Past?

Why can’t I stop thinking about my past? Why can’t I just get over it?

How to be a Good Sexual Partner to Someone Who’s Been Abused

What to do when your partner has been sexually abused.

How To Move Through Emotions, Rather than Fighting Them

One of the reasons I love my role as trauma therapist, is witnessing and partaking in the growth and healing of my clients. I tell them I am a co-partner on their healing journey, I do not see myself as wiser than, or an expert, rather a trusted guide. I mentioned in my first blog, what is trauma therapy, how bearing witness to this phenomenon of healing is beautiful. My definition of beautiful may be different from most since it includes pain and suffering in addition to emotional ease, it does not shy away from raw, unbiased sorrow and grief. In a culture such as ours in the United States, which labels pain as “negative” and overmedicates our natural, healthy and even necessary emotions, it is my job as a trauma therapist to encourage my clients to move closer to their pain and suffering with acceptance of what they discover. True mental and emotional health does not decipher what feelings are “good” or “bad,” it allows all emotions to be seen, felt and expressed without judgment. Learning to trust that your emotions are nothing to fear is an essential part of reaching emotional health. This can be a difficult task, especially if one’s emotions are creating unbearable symptoms after a trauma. Often, symptoms such as panic, anxiety, or depression are increased by one’s fear of them, not the raw emotions themselves. If you believe your feelings are ugly and scary, then you’re really telling yourself that you are ugly and scary. By learning to accept your feelings in the instant you notice them, you can then be intentional with what you need, creating compassion for your emotions and overall self. For example, if I notice I am feeling sadness, I could allow it to be there without naming it “bad” and allow myself to cry. If I were to label my sadness as something negative and push it away, I will not allow myself to cry and thus stop the natural unfolding or release to occur. This can manifest later in anxiety or panic since my sadness became stuck and stagnant with no movement of release. In therapy, my clients discover which emotions they hold judgments for and which become stuck and increase their trauma symptoms. Slowly and with patience, clients learn to accept all of their feelings and thus, themselves, which create emotional freedom and decreased symptoms. Like anything challenging in life, this process takes practice and compassion, but it is worth it. You are worth it. “To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.”? Pema Chödrön