We’ve all been there. Stuck in gridlock traffic on I-25, trying to travel through downtown Denver, or just get to the airport on time (I’m looking at you, 225 and Pena Boulevard!). Traffic in Denver is pretty bad, as everyone has noticed (and vented about). Not just the highways, but the side-streets and quiet neighborhoods of a few years ago are clogged, and we’re all bearing the mental load of being stuck in traffic or crawling along at a snail’s pace. Road Rage in Denver Road Rage refers to the intense feeling of anger, irritation, hostility or all-out rage that we sometimes feel while driving. Being cut off in traffic, sitting in a standstill, or being late to something important can trigger a lot of big feelings. There have been a few high-profile incidents of intense Road Rage in Denver recently.  Road Rage can be really harmful to ourselves and others. Being stuck in traffic presents an emotion management problem. In other words, to survive in Denver traffic these days, you need some skills and tools to keep from becoming overly angry, frustrated or stressed. The First Step is Acceptance When we think about emotion regulation, the first step is always one of acceptance. It’s really important to accept your situation for what it is, and validate for yourself that it’s frustrating and difficult. Acceptance in this sense doesn’t mean you ‘approve’ or what’s happening or that you have to feel good about it, you simply need to accept it as your reality. How do we do this? The best way is to talk to yourself (or think to yourself) about the situation without any judgement or wishful thinking that it was different (just the facts). Here’s some examples: I am stuck in traffic and I didn’t expect to be. I feel really frustrated and also worried that I will be late for work. My commute is always very slow, as it is today. I feel uncomfortable in my car and I have another 30 minutes of driving ahead of me. I feel angry that this is my everyday experience. The Next Step is Making a Plan After we have accepted and described our situation, we are ready to make a plan to cope with the difficult feelings we are experiencing. It’s important to frame this as trying to improve the moment, not rail against our emotions as they are, or try to change them because they are unacceptable. The goal is to make a plan to roll with your feelings, improve the moment somewhat, and wait out a challenging situation.  Here’s some examples of things to do while stuck in traffic to alleviate frustration: Take 10 deep breaths, then take ten more Do some light stretches (if you can while driving safely) Call a friend or family member you’ve been meaning to connect with Listen to a podcast or audiobook Sing along to some music If you’re going to be stuck in the car anyway, might as well practice coping skills like the ones above. The Final Step is to Evaluate What Worked, and Try to Avoid Stressors in the Future Once you’re done with your marathon commute, take a moment to review for yourself what worked the best for riding out the frustration of the traffic jam. Were you able to lose yourself in your favorite music? Did you discover a podcast that held your attention? Did those should rolls feel great? How about breathing? Once you know what works best for you, you can plan for future traffic snarls (because let’s be real, I-25 isn’t going to be a breeze anytime soon). Have your coping skills handy. It can help to tape a notecard to your dashboard to remind yourself of these tools. Furthermore, research shows that when we anticipate feelings of anger or frustration, we experience these emotions differently than if they catch us by surprise. If can accurately anticipate our feelings, when they come roaring up at us we experience ourselves as more in control. We can greet them and say “Oh yeah, I knew you would come along, but I’ve got a plan in place.” So when you head out on your drive and you predict that there will be frustrating traffic, make sure you’re loaded up with podcasts (if that’s your thing), or you’ve got your stress ball squishy at the ready (if you like that), and just plan to be irritated. It’s how it is, and it’s not your job to change it, it’s your job to roll with it, accept your feelings and respond well. For your own mental health. For the other drivers. For all of us stuck in Denver traffic with you.

Is it normal to talk to yourself? That’s the million-dollar question that I often her from my therapy clients. My answer is “yes!” Here’s why it’s normal (and even very healthy) to talk to yourself. There’s a big difference between talking to yourself and responding to internal voices or hearing voices, which is concerning and I’ll lay out below the difference. We are always talking to ourselves, whether out loud or internally We are blessed with the gift of language, which is a powerful tool our brain uses to process stimuli from our environment, and make sense of ourselves and our world. We have a running dialogue in our heads all time, and we just call this ‘thoughts.’ A though is simply a bunch of words that run in the background pretty much all the time while we’re awake. We are always telling ourselves a story about what’s happening, what is means, and what we want to do in the future. All these internal thoughts form our internal dialogue, and it’s an incredibly important piece of mental health. If we can self-reflect (or have a therapist reflect back to you)on our internal dialogue, we can learn a lot about how we think about ourselves and how we perceive the world. For example, do you talk to yourself in a nice way or a harsh way? Does the internal dialogue sound calm or scared? Angry? Defensive? Shameful? Do you perceive the world as a safe place or a scary place? Does it seem like you talk to yourself like a friend would or (usually more likely) like an irritated, judgmental teacher?  Examining all these thoughts are an important part of therapy, and changing that dialogue over time can lift depression, calm anxiety, fix relationships and lead to a life that’s just more peaceful and fulfilled.  What about when I talk to myself out loud? This kind of self-talk is similar to the ongoing internal dialogue but it’s a bit more pronounced. Obviously, you’re talking out loud now and that requires even more processing than just thinking in words. When we articulate our thoughts and feelings into words, they become more clarified, more integrated, and seem more ‘real’ to us. It’s really healthy to talk in this way, whether to yourself or another person. It’s beneficial to force your brain to condense all the thoughts and feelings that are floating around internally into words and sentences. It’s basically explaining yourself to yourself.  If you have small kids, or watch parents with small kids, you will see this happening between the parent and child. Before we can talk, we need help to organize our world, our thoughts, and our feelings. So we need a parent (or other adult) to explain ourselves to ourselves. And it’s soothing to kids. For example, here’s some things I used to say to my daughter when she was really little.  Wow, you just bonked your head. I bet that really hurt. We can say ‘ow!’ when he bump our head. You wanted that toy but can’t reach it. That makes your feel mad so you cry. You love looking at that doggy! You’re smiling and it means you’re happy.  As we get older, we can internalize this language and don’t need our parents to do it for us any more.  The takeaway here is talking to yourself helps you organize and clarify your own experience, and that’s inherently calming for us. Why Should I Talk to Myself Out Loud? It may sound a little strange, but I encourage my clients to talk to themselves out loud; I even teach them how to do it in the most effective way. Talking to yourself out loud does a few things for you: -Organizes your thoughts -Clarifies your feelings -Helps your feel validated (validated by yourself) -Allows you to coach yourself towards a better response -Helps you plan your next step effectively -Helps you practice how to relate your experience to others I do tell my clients to talk to themselves in a safe space where they are alone and not worried about being overheard; this helps the dialogue just flow without too much self-editing. Great places are at home, in your car, on a walk (with some earbuds in), or while doing chores around the house. Here’s some examples of a great dialogue that I helped my client learn how to do in response to anxiety (I’m paraphrasing here): Okay, I’ve got my performance review coming up today. I feel really nervous it, which makes sense because a performance review if nerve-wracking. It’s out of my control, and that’s always hard for me. I feel a little shaky and I notice I’m playing out some worst-case scenarios in my head. Ugh, I hate this feeling! Okay, my therapist taught me how to do some deep breathing and some self-coaching so I’m going to try that now even though I feel a little silly talking to myself on my commute. Here goes: it’s normal to be nervous, it’s okay. I have prepared for this meeting. I’m going to give it my best shot and see what happens. I’m going to be open to feedback. I’ve come a long way this year. If the worst happens and I get fired, I can find another job. I’ve never been fired before. Okay, that feels a little better. I’m proud of myself for working on my anxiety.  You can see that my client here is basically acting as their own coach or therapist. They are talking to themselves in a helpful way. anyone would feel better after hearing all of this. That’s how positive self-talk works, and the best way to learn how to do this and make it automatic for yourself is to practice out loud (even if it feels silly). When does talking to yourself become unhealthy? When people get worried about talking to yourself, they are usually thinking about psychosis or schizophrenia. These are mental health diagnoses that sometimes have

Ever feel like a fraud at work or with friends? Yeah, me too. That’s called Imposter Syndrome and it’s really common.

When you really want to make changes, meet your goals, improve your relationships or resolve nagging issues, research shows that the most important thing to make therapy or counseling effective is something call “goodness of fit.” That’s a Psychology term for how well you and your therapist ‘click’ together. You know what it feels like when you ‘click’ with someone. Like when you first met your best friend, or your future spouse. It’s this amazing moment of things “oh, here’s my person!” Another to put this is that if you feel that your therapist “gets” you and you feel safe opening up to them and comfortable being vulnerable (which is essential to make changes and meet goals in counseling). So how do you find this magical person? The good news is that there are a plethora of great therapists in Denver. The bad news is that there are a plethora of therapists in Denver, and that can be overwhelming. It can be really, really difficult to find a great fit, but here’s some tips to make the process easier: Narrow Down your Criteria It’s more than okay to have preferences (and ‘must-haves’) for a therapist you are considering working with. You may prefer someone older (or younger), or a man versus a woman. You may look for someone with a particular background (like someone that’s a parent, or is trained in a specific type of therapy). Make a small list of your preferences as a jumping-off point. Make it easy on yourself Counseling is hard enough; you’re sitting in a room with a stranger, baring your secrets and really getting into the nitty-gritty of your ‘stuff.’ So you want to make it easy on yourself in terms of logistics. Check to see if the therapist you’re eyeing has time slots that work for you in an ongoing way. Check their office location to make sure you can easily get there (and park! as we all know, parking can be a nightmare in Denver). Does the office look comfortable and relaxing? There’s lots of great office space available all over Denver, no need to sit in a dark, cramped office. Probably most importantly; can you afford it or does this therapist work with your insurance plan? If you’re going to be stressed about the investment of the counseling in the first place, it doesn’t set you up well to reach your goals. Therapist’s fees should be very clearly stated on their website (if they aren’t, then give it a pass), as well as clear language about whether they take insurance or not. If they don’t take your insurance, ask the therapist about how they can assist you in being reimbursed by your insurance company by submitting paperwork on your behalf (most insurance plans do cover counseling in one way or another, and your therapist should help you navigate this). We do this at Thrive Counseling as a service to our clients, and they say it’s been incredibly helpful in budgeting and making sure that the investment in therapy counts towards their deductible (if they have one). Ask The Right Questions During that first phone call or in-person meeting, the therapist will be asking you a lot of questions; about you, how you have been feeling, what your goals are, where you’ve been getting stuck or hurting, etc. But in a good consultation, you should also be invited and encouraged to ask questions. This is your opportunity to “interview” for the job of being your therapist (a very important role!). So grab that opportunity to ask the right questions to really see if this therapist is the one for you. Here’s some ideas to get your started: Do you help clients like me? How do you help them? What are some examples of tools, strategies or techniques you think would be helpful for me? How do you measure progress with your clients? Do you write a treatment plan and when do we go over it together? What’s your experience in helping people with my specific issue? Make The First Move Now it’s time to act. There’s no getting around it; you have to make that call, send that email, or click the Contact Us button on the website. To get what you’ve never gotten, you have to do what you’ve never done. Maybe for you that’s being vulnerable. Maybe it’s letting a professional evaluate your life-long anxiety, or voice those deep, dark and depressing thoughts. Maybe it’s entertaining the idea that you’re worth it; you’re worth putting in the effort to heal. Maybe it’s asking for help in leaving a bad relationship, or becoming a better you to finally find that right relationship.  Whatever it is for you, we are cheering you on. Whether that’s with us at Thrive Counseling, or elsewhere. We want you to get where you’re going. We’d love to help. Contact Us for a free consultation.