Erin Carpenter, Author at Thrive Counseling

Blog Archives

Struggling to Fall Asleep? Here Are Some Things to Consider

Struggling to Fall Asleep? Here Are Some Things to Consider By: Jessica Taylor, LPC Determine whether there are any underlying mental health issues. Are you struggling to fall asleep because you are experiencing excessive worry about the next day? Or maybe you are experiencing physical symptoms such as a racing heartbeat, chest pains, or stomach aches. Another common reason people wake up in the middle of the night is because they have frequent nightmares that get their adrenaline rushing and make it difficult to fall back asleep. If you think that you might be experiencing symptoms of anxiety or panic, see a therapist. They will be able to diagnose any underlying mental health issues that are impeding your sleep, as well as give you coping skills to help reduce these negative symptoms and improve your functioning. Have realistic expectations. If you have struggled with getting good sleep since childhood, it is not likely that you are now going to become a great sleeper (not impossible, but not likely). But that does not mean that there are not improvements to be made. Just be sure that the goals you set for improving the quality and quantity of sleep are realistic. For example: Liz has always struggled to get her body to sleep more than 6 hours. As soon as her body begins to wake up and the sun is out, she starts having thoughts about what she needs to get done that day, which prevent her from falling back asleep—even if her alarm isn’t set to go off for three more hours. But while tracking her sleep patterns, Liz noticed that if she gets herself in bed earlier at night, and writes her “to-do” list for the next day before she falls asleep, she can usually get at least an hour more of good quality sleep. Assess for possible impact of substance use on your sleep. Make sure that you are not drinking caffeine past a certain time (two p.m. is usually a good cut off). Don’t have a big meal too close to bed, as this can create some physical discomfort that might prevent you from sleeping. If getting up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night is barrier to good sleep, decrease all fluids a few hours leading up to bed. Alcohol and certain drugs are a depressant, which means they might make you feel sleepy and even ‘help’ you fall asleep, but what they are doing is sedating you. If you are going to bed sedated, you are likely not going into the deepest and most important phase of sleep: the REM cycle. That means that you could be asleep for nine hours and still wake up feeling groggy. Take an honest look at your screen time. Shoot for no screens (TV, phone, computer, tablet) at least an hour before bed. Some people have trained their brains to need something, such as a TV, on in the background while they fall asleep. This background noise might can also prevent you from reaching the REM cycle. Try reading or listening to a guided meditation instead. Create good habits. During the day: try your hardest to get as much physical movement in your daily routine. Don’t spend time in your bed throughout the day; wait until bedtime. Also, no naps! At night: Start winding down at least one hour before you want to fall asleep. Try things that help calm your body and brain down such as taking a warm shower or writing three things that you accomplished that day. Maintain a healthy nighttime routine. Don’t expect all of these things to be helpful on the first go around. But once you find a healthy nighttime routine, do those things consistently, even if it at first does not seem as though they are helping. Try not to stress. I know that this one is easier said than done. But if you are consistently doing the things discussed above and continue to struggle with falling or staying asleep, try to avoid catastrophizing. Instead of looking at the clock every half hour and counting down how little time you have to fall asleep before you need to get up for work, tell yourself something like: “The worst that is going to happen is that I am going to be tired tomorrow. That will not be an enjoyable experience, but I will get through the day and then possibly sleep better that night.”

Are you Sabotaging Your Own Happiness?

Are you Sabotaging Your Own Happiness? By: Jessica Taylor, LPC Are you wondering why you feel okay, but not as good as you want to feel? Maybe you are able to go to work and do things throughout the day, but just feel ‘blah.’ Are there goals in your life that you have yet to accomplish and can’t figure out why? Here are 10 ways that you may be sabotaging your own happiness and overall mental health and functioning, without even realizing. Not caring for your body’s basic needs If you are not physiologically ‘okay,’ you are not going to be mentally okay and/or functioning at your best. If you are noticing that you are lacking energy, are struggling to concentrate, or just feel as though your mood is not where it could be, check in with yourself about the quality and quantity of your sleep, as well as your food and water intake. Seven to nine hours of sleep is optimal and very few people are functioning at their best with less sleep than that. If you are struggling to fall asleep or stay asleep, determine whether there are ways that your sleep hygiene can be improved. If you are not eating enough whole foods (i.e.: there are too many beige things on your plate), or you are restricting yourself to too few calories per day, chances are you are going to at the very least experience some brain fog. Water. That’s all, just drink water. There are too many benefits to list here, but to be more specific, most experts say that you should divide your weight in half and drink at least that many ounces of water each day (for example, if you weight 200 pounds, drink 100 ounces). If you don’t like water, try adding fruit or a squirt of a flavor enhancer. Taking in damaging content on social media Take a good hard look at who and what you are following (i.e.: exposing yourself to each day). Content doesn’t need to be negative to be considered damaging to your self-esteem and overall mood. For example, maybe there is a friend that posts perfectly posed pictures of her family on expensive vacations and you notice that after seeing this, you don’t feel great about your own life, body, job, etc. You don’t have to unfollow her, but you can ‘mute’ her content so that it doesn’t appear in your feed. Far too often we compare the way we look to images we see in the media. But these perfect looking images are most often photoshopped and unattainable in real life. Look for places on the internet that “keep it real,” such as body, parenting, and mental health positivity accounts. Not moving your body every day. Find a type of movement that matches your personality and lifestyle. This can be as intense as a HIIT class or as low impact as taking a 30 minute walk each day. Keeping harmful people in your life. If you feel more bad than you do good in any type of relationship, it is time to assess whether you should either set more firm boundaries, or end that relationship altogether. Talk to a therapist if you are not sure about how to do those things. Holding thing in If you are struggling with something such as the death of a loved one, a traumatic experience, or symptoms of mental illness, it is not in your best interest to bottle up your thoughts and feelings. Making a practice out of writing in a journal can be helpful, but you may also need to process with a friend or trained counselor. Buying into thoughts that hold you back First ask yourself this: what are my goals? Maybe you want to be in a happy and loving long-term relationship. Or maybe you want to get a better job. Now ask yourself this: what thoughts about myself (or others) come up when I think about that goal? If you are buying into thoughts, such as: “I’m not attractive enough to find a partner,” or “I will never find a job that I like,” you are most likely holding yourself back from making advances toward your goals, regardless of external factors. Not practicing mindfulness Too many of us are book-ending our day with our phone in front of our face. Instead, try waking up in the morning and getting ready for bed a bit earlier so that you can implement some mindfulness techniques. For example, in the morning, try writing what you are grateful for while you sip your coffee. Or do some slow yoga poses after you get out of bed. During the day, find time to take a walk with no distractions and just observe nature. At night, read for a while and then listen to a guided meditation. You are overscheduled It’s good to have structure, but you also need some downtime where you can let your body and mind take a break. It is okay to not be productive for some time each day and allow yourself to watch your favorite show or do a puzzle. You isolate from others Alone time can be great, but even the most introverted people usually need some human connection. If you struggle with social anxiety, push yourself to be around others. This can be dinner with a friend or even just sitting in a coffee shop and making eye contact and smiling at the other patrons. The more you avoid human connection, the more you will feel anxious about it. This is no structure in your day Daily routines are wonderful for our mental health. If you have a 9-to-5 job, find morning and evening routines that work for you and stick with them. If you do not have a work schedule set for you by someone else, you need to create a bit more structure for yourself. Before you fully start your morning, just make a list of a

10 Things to Try Right Now After the Death of a Loved One

10 Things to Try Right Now if You Are Struggling After the Death of a Loved One By: Jessica Taylor, LPC Grieving is just one of those human experiences where we have no idea how it feels until we are there. In addition, we live in a society that often fosters what Claire Bidwell Smith calls “an unsympathetic grief culture.” What this looks like for the person grieving is a feeling of not wanting to burden others with their sadness or feeling as though they have a certain amount of time to grieve and then should ‘move on’. And then on the other side, you have the person who wants to be supportive of the griever but isn’t sure of what the ‘right’ thing to say or do is. This means that we are paralyzed by these concerns and do nothing—we just hope that things will get better with time. Doing nothing is actually the worst thing we can do when faced with the task or either grieving or supporting a griever. David Kessler is a grief expert and recommends trying these 10 things if you are feeling overwhelmed by grief. If you yourself are not personally grieving, it might be helpful to determine if there are any of these things that you can do with a person you love who is going through the grief process. Take a Walk Everyday Kessler states that we must symbolically and physically keep moving after someone we love dies. This can be a short walk, or a longer one, but set the goal for yourself to get outside and walk every day. We know the physical and chemical benefits of moving our bodies, but it is also important for you to be out and interacting with the world during this time. Name Three Things You Were Able to Do That Day Before you go to bed, make it a part of your nighttime routine to either write down a list, or say to yourself three things that you were able to do that day. For example: “I went for a walk, I opened the mail, and I made myself a smoothie.” Engage With the World When we lose someone, it feels as though the whole world has stopped. Or maybe it just feels like it should stop. You just want to scream: “How can you go to a baseball game right now, when my mom is not here anymore?” Because of this, you must prove to yourself that the world has continued moving and that means you can too. Engage with the world by reading the newspaper or watching the news for 30 minutes each day. Send the Person That You Lost Love When in the midst of grief, sometimes our brain decides to do some unhelpful things. This can look like dwelling on feelings of guilt, thoughts about how the person died, or on painful images of the person you lost before they passed. When this happens, divert your attention to instead sending that person love. It doesn’t matter what your beliefs are about the afterlife; when we lose someone with whom we had a deep connection, that connection you have to them doesn’t die just because they are gone. So take a moment and think to yourself or say out loud: “I am sending you love.” Distract Yourself It’s okay to take a mental break from it all sometimes. Do something that is going to distract your mind for a bit, such as watching your favorite movie, reading an engaging book, or taking a nap. Talk About Your Loss As Kessler says: “grief must be witnessed.” Call the friend that likes to talk about ‘deep’ things and ask if you can talk about how you are feeling, or share memories about the person you lost. In addition, therapy is a great space for this. You will never be a burden on your therapist, no matter how long you need to grieve. Recognize Something in Your Life That Continues On Try to be mindful of the things around you that continue. This can be the flower garden planted outside or the other relationships you still have. Do Something Nice for Yourself Treat yourself to something that feels good. Depending on your resources, this can be getting a massage, taking a day off from work, going on a weekend trip to the mountains, or getting a haircut. Write Down Three Things That You Have Always Wanted to Do What are at least three things that you always wanted to do, but never got the chance before your loved one died? This can be learning a new hobby, going back to school, or taking a trip to a place you’ve never been. Do Something for Someone Else It’s okay if it takes a while for you to get to the place where you have the capacity to do this one. But helping others can be a transformative experience if you are feeling ‘stuck’ in grief.

How To Handle Concerning Behaviors in Your Teenage Child

How To Handle Concerning Behaviors in Your Teenage Child By: Jessica Taylor, LPC Raising a teenager can feel exhausting, confusing, and at times even scary. You probably know that they are going through tons of physiological changes (hello, hormones), that are impacting their emotions and behaviors significantly. But maybe you are unsure of what should be considered “normal” teenage behaviors and what behaviors you need to be concerned about. Furthermore, if you are noticing concerning behaviors in your teenager, you may feel powerless. They are no longer the toddler having a tantrum that you are able to pick up and put in their crib. Here’s how to tell the difference between developmentally appropriate behaviors and what you need to be concerned about, as well as the action steps that are available. Typical Behavior Changes that May Occur During the Teenage Years Changes in appearance. Increase in arguments and rebellious behaviors. Mood swings, including increase in irritability. Experimentation with drugs and/or alcohol. More focused on friends than family. Warning Signs of a Troubled Teen Changes in appearance are coupled with behavioral issues, self-harm, or sudden weight gain or loss. There is a pattern of physical aggression that is resulting in physical fights and/or run-ins with the law. Their mood issues are persistent, and include one of the following: falling grades, staying in bed all day, mentions of suicide or self-harm. Drug or alcohol use is habitual (daily or almost daily) and coupled with issues at school or home. What You Can Do If You Are Worried About Your Teenager Talk to a doctor or therapist. If you are unsure of where to start, consider sharing your concerns with your child’s pediatrician. They have most likely known your child before they were in their teenage years and will be able to provide you with some good resources. Consider family therapy. If your child is resistant to speaking with a therapist on their own, don’t push it. You want them to have a good feeling about therapy, which will not happen if they feel ‘forced’ into it. They may feel more open to beginning the process of therapy if you are also involved, and things are discussed as a family issue rather than only a teenager issue. Only discuss your concerns with your child when you feel calm and in control. Sometimes we think that if we don’t address issues with our child in-the-moment, we are letting them ‘win,’ or get away with something. But these difficult conversations are likely going to result in your child becoming defensive and possible dysregulated. If you are not regulated yourself, things are probably going to escalate to an unproductive or even dangerous place. Avoid behaviors that only escalate situations further. Going along with making sure you are regulated, prepare yourself for the chance that your teenager is going to actively try to push your “hot buttons” to get a response from you. For example, if they slam a door in your face, your instinct is probably to open it and tell them why that is unacceptable. But that in that moment, that is only going to make things worse. Wait until you are both calm again and then give them a consequence if necessary. Make sure you are having regular moments of uninterrupted quality time. They may complain or roll their eyes, but make it a priority to have at least a few family dinners a week where no screens are present. Go around the table and have everyone share the best and worst parts of their day. Listen without distraction or judgement. Everything your child is telling you is important to them. If you are distracted by a phone or something else when they are trying to tell you something small, they are going to take that as a sign that they can’t come to you with anything, big or small. Furthermore, try not to give advice unless they ask for it. And if you criticize their friends, this might put unnecessary space between you and your teenager. Prepare yourself for rejection. Teenagers are like cats. They usually need to spend time and communicate with you on their terms. They are focused on feeling independent right now, and that means differentiating themselves from primary caregivers. Have a mantra ready that you can repeat to yourself when you are hurt or angered by your teen pushing you away. Maintain consistency with expectations, rules, and consequences. It is your teenager’s developmental job right now to try to push the boundaries. So that means it is your job to give them freedom and independence when possible, but also stay consistent with the boundaries you have in place. Help them find appropriate coping skills. If you notice that your child is consistently struggling to regulate their own emotions, help them find some strategies. Examples include hanging up a punching bag or signing them up for a writing class. Give them space. When you are concerned about your child the last thing you want to do is have them out of your sight. But part of them trusting you is feeling as though you trust them. If they ask for space or time alone, give it to them (unless there are urgent safety concerns.) Resources: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/helping-troubled-teens.htm#

If Your Loved One was Sexually Assault -Therapist in Denver here to help

What You Need to Know About Setting Boundaries

What You Need to Know About Setting Boundaries By: Jessica Taylor, LPC The idea of setting boundaries has become increasingly popular. But how many of us actually know what that means? Okay, maybe you know what setting boundaries means, but do you know when and how to set them so that they are taken seriously and sustained? What are Boundaries? Boundaries in relationships can be defined as what exactly you feel comfortable with and how you would like to be treated. We all have limits; sometimes these are just naturally respected, and sometimes they need to be clearly communicated. The Five Different Types of Boundaries Physical: Your personal space, privacy, and your body. Sexual: What you feel comfortable with sexually, what you want regarding intimacy, and comments sexual in nature. Financial: How you spend your money and whether you want to loan or give money to others. Intellectual: Your thoughts and beliefs (i.e.: having them respected and not diminished). Emotional: Your feelings (for example: how much you want to share and how others regard your feelings.) The Areas of Life Where Boundaries Might Be Necessary Personal relationships. This is probably the area where boundaries are most important, but also the most difficult to implement. We sometimes put off communicating our boundaries because we are worried that if we do, the other person will reject us and end the relationship. But love relationships and friendships without boundaries are likely to result in feelings of resentment, anger, and disappointment. Work. This can be both with your customers or clients, coworkers, or supervisor. Of course, our ability to set boundaries with our employer is at times limited, but because of this, there are even laws in place to help us maintain personal safety in work environments. With strangers. A lot of us have been socialized to value politeness. But if someone is making you feel uncomfortable by not respecting your boundaries (for example: invading your personal space or saying disrespectful things), this is your permission to be ‘rude’ and walk away. Being polite cannot be valued over your feelings of personal safety. How to Set Boundaries Know Your self-worth. If you struggle with self-esteem issues, this is nothing to be ashamed of. Most of us struggle with this at some point in our life. But in order to set and maintain boundaries, you must continue to remind yourself that you are worthy. No matter what has happened in the past, or what you have done or not done in the past, you are worthy of having your emotional, financial, intellectual, sexual, and physical boundaries respected. The sooner the better! Of course, it is totally fine if you have been in a relationship with someone for 12 years and then decide to set a new boundary with them. But if you know your boundaries about certain things, communicate these as soon into a relationship as you can. That way, you are setting a healthy precedent for mutual limits to be respected. Don’t be too harsh or too lenient. If you set boundaries that are overly rigid or too lenient, it is going to be more difficult to sustain them long-term. For example, if a parent is overly lenient with their teenager and does not give them a specific curfew, they may have some sleepless nights and then feel as though they need to go back after the fact and set a time for them to be home. On the other hand, if a parent grounds their kid from social media ‘forever,’ it is probably going to be difficult to maintain this punishment any longer than a few months. Communicate clearly and concretely. Communicating our thoughts, feelings and boundaries in an assertive way can feel really scary. But if you don’t use assertive communication, you risk coming across as ‘wishy-washy’ and the other person not even really understanding what it is that you are asking them to do or not do. Here is an example of how to communicate a boundary using assertive communication skills: “I like when we hold hands and kiss, but I do not want to do that in public.” Be respectful of others’ boundaries. The best way to model is good boundaries is to respect the boundaries of others. In addition, it is not fair to expect those around you to respect your wishes about something like physical space, when you do not do the same. Sources: https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries#types https://lifegoalsmag.com/set-healthy-boundaries/

Is Your Attachment Style Negatively Impacting Your Relationships?

Is Your Attachment Style Negatively Impacting Your Relationships? By: Jessica Taylor, LPC What is Adult Attachment? Since the 1950’s, psychologists have been observing and discussing the impacts of the nature of the attachment between children and their primary caregivers. It was determined that the quality of this attachment significantly impacts the child’s behaviors. Our attachment style in adulthood appears to follow the same logic. Simply put, we can usually identify your attachment style based on how you feel (consciously or unconsciously) about, as well as how you react to, the idea of being rejected or abandoned in relationships. If you intensely fear being rejected or abandoned, and allow this fear to dictate your behaviors, you are going to struggle to maintain healthy relationships. While most researchers believe that our attachment style is inflexible, there are ways to manage the impacts of an unhealthy attachment type. The first step to this is gaining some basic knowledge about your own attachment and the impacts this has had on past and present relationships in your life. Factors That Impact Attachment Trauma If you have experienced relational traumas such as neglect and/or physical, mental, or sexual abuse, then this has likely ‘taught’ your brain that other people are unsafe and cannot be trusted. While you most likely still crave closeness with others, you are also going to try to protect yourself–sometimes in unhealthy ways. Mental health If you struggle with symptoms of a mental illness such as anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder, you are more likely to be a ‘worrier,’ or struggle with low self-esteem. If we don’t confront the negative impacts that mental health issues have on our daily life, it can be extremely difficult to have a functional love relationship. Relationship to the primary caregivers. Primary caregivers don’t need to be perfect; they just need to be good enough. Good enough means feeding their child when they are hungry, hugging them when they cry and changing their diapers when they are dirty. If your primary caregiver neglected any of your basic needs when you were a young child, it is mostly likely going to impact your ability to trust and feel attached to other people throughout your life. Relationships witnessed during formative years. What was the nature of the love relationships you witnessed during your childhood and adolescence? Was there cheating, constant fighting or even domestic violence? If so, these experiences have impacted your worldview, at least when it comes to relationships. If the only happy and functional partnerships you witnessed were in movies or TV shows, it’s going to be extremely difficult for you to imagine that that is even possible to achieve in “real life.” Influential relationships throughout life If you experienced severe rejection from your peers during childhood and adolescence, this is likely going to have an impact on your attachment style. In addition, if you were in a toxic or abusive relationship, it is possible that you might carry some of the impacts of this union into your subsequent relationships. What are the Four Different Attachment Styles? Anxious (Preoccupied): People with an anxious attachment style seek out closeness and require consistent validation to feel as though things are “okay” in the relationship. They don’t like to be away from their partner, which can lead to them sometimes being described as ‘clingy.’ If they feel anxious about the status of a relationship, they will sometimes act out. Here is an example: Samantha texted her boyfriend Matt asking him if wants to go to dinner tonight, but he hasn’t responded to her for five hours. She starts to wonder if he is not responding because he is cheating on her, so she sends him angry and accusatory texts until he responds to her. It turns out that Matt didn’t respond because he was in an important meeting at work. Avoidant (Dismissive): Those with an avoidant attachment style will often protect their independence at all costs. What this looks like is avoiding closeness, not showing emotion, seeing their partner as clingy when they just want emotional connection, and finding reasons to end the relationship before things get too serious. For example: Ryan was really enjoying spending his time with Julie until she asked him if he would like to meet her family. This made him feel as though she was trying to rush things between them. When Julie texted him that night to see if he would like to make plans, he said that he needed some space. Secure: If you have a secure attachment style, you enjoy and thrive in close relationships. You are comfortable sharing your emotions with your partner and having ‘deep’ conversations. For example: Dan has a secure attachment style. His partner Sherry came to him and said that she felt hurt when he didn’t reach out to her all day. Dan apologizes for hurting Sherry and explains that he was extremely busy with work. They decide together how to handle situations that are similar to this in the future. Anxious-Avoidant (Fearful-Avoidant): This style of attachment is sometimes described as ‘disorganized’ as it often looks like mixed-messaging. Individuals with this attachment type deeply crave close connections, but often appear to be indifferent and even sometimes lash out when others try to get close to them. Here’s an example: Kate wants to feel loved, but she often times lashes out at her partner for small things. Although she wants to get married, she struggles to ‘settle down’ with one person and feels a lot of dissatisfaction in dating and relationships. If you still feel unsure of what your attachment style is, you can take a quick assessment created by the authors of the book ‘Attached.’ The Benefits of Understanding Your Own Attachment Style You will stop repeating negative patterns in relationships. Does dating sometimes feel like you are in the movie Groundhog’s Day? Maybe you keep getting ghosted only a few dates in with someone. Or you tend do something to sabotage the relationship yourself. If

It’s Mental Health Awareness Month: Here’s Your Mental Health Checkup.

It’s Mental Health Awareness Month—Have You Done Your Mental Health Check-up Yet? By: Jessica Taylor, LPC What Is Mental Health Awareness Month? The month of May is when we try to put even more time and resources into both increasing public awareness around mental health issues, and decreasing the stigma that remains regarding asking for help and seeking treatment for mental illness. According to the National Institute for Mental Health, approximately one in five adults in the US struggle with a mental illness. Participating in Mental Health Awareness Month can mean being more mindful about attending to your own mental health, or it can mean reaching out to others in need. How to Do a Mental Health Check-Up Maintaining a healthy baseline mood is not a “one and done,” but rather an ongoing lifelong process for all of us. Even if you are do not have mental illness in your family history, life is complex and complicated. Situational events such as the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, or a cancer diagnosis can result in symptoms of mental illness. If you are wondering where to start when assessing the status of your own mental health, here are some ideas. General Mental Health Self-Assessment Ask yourself these quick questions in order to get a general sense of whether you might be experiencing some symptoms of mental illness such as depression or anxiety. Have I recently started eating less or more than usual? How much am I moving my body each day? Am I using alcohol or any other substances to cope with stress, sadness, etc.? Am I getting enough sleep? How is the quality of my sleep? Do I feel excessively tired or fatigued throughout the day, despite getting enough sleep? Do I feel at ease (not anxious or stressed) when at home and/or in public? Have I been isolating myself from friends and family? Am I still engaging in activities that I find to be enjoyable? Am I able to concentrate when necessary? Have I been experiencing extreme shifts in my mood? Am I more angry or irritable lately? Have I been tearful or crying more than usual? Have I been having any thoughts of suicide? Journal About Your Mood Each Day Try taking five minutes at the end of each day to write about what your mood and functioning was like that day. This way, you can begin to notice any patterns that come up (i.e., “I feel more stressed out on the days that I don’t take my morning walk.”) You can structure this in whatever way is helpful to you, but here are some ideas: Where is my mood on a scale from 1-10 today? How did I feel for most of the day (i.e., calm, sad, angry, stressed, etc.)? Did anything significant happen today that might have impacted my mood and functioning? How much water did I drink? What were my meals like? Did I move my body today? How much sleep did I get last night? How to Reduce the Stigma Around Mental Health and Help Others Share your experience. One of the ways that symptoms of mental illness ‘trick’ us is making us feel alone in our experience. For example, someone who is experiencing symptoms of depression might think something like: “I can’t tell my friends and family about what I’m going through because they won’t understand and will probably see me as weak.” If you feel comfortable sharing your experience of mental illness and the steps you are taking to live a happier, more fulfilling life, that might be exactly what someone else needs to hear right now. The more often people speak about their experiences with mental illness, the less stigma there will be around this issue. Check-in with loved ones. By now we know that someone can look happy on the ‘outside,’ while experiencing immense suffering internally. Check-in with friends and family members that you haven’t spoken to in a while by giving them a call or even sending a quick “How are you doing?” text.

Pornography Addiction: What Is It and How Can You Deal with It?

Pornography Addiction: What Is It and How Can You Deal with It? By: Jessica Taylor, LPC Due to conflicting research, there is a debate going on among professionals regarding whether overuse of pornography should be classified as an addiction. But what we do know is that the overuse of pornography can be defined as not being able to stop watching porn, even if you want to. In addition, watching pornography becomes problematic when it interferes with one or more areas of your daily life (i.e., work, relationships, etc.) Furthermore, research shows that there is a direct link between overuse of pornography and relationship dissatisfaction. The main reason for this is likely due to pornography being extremely accessible. For a lot of people, it is an easy way to feel good for at least a few moments; it doesn’t take as much effort as relationships take, which means that then these relationships tend to be neglected in ways that can cause long-term damage. If you worry that you might be addicted to pornography, keep reading to learn the signs of pornography overuse, as well as what you can do about it. Signs That Your Use of Pornography Might Be a Problem You are viewing pornography during work and/or social situations. Your use of pornography causes negative feelings such as shame or guilt. You are keeping your pornography use a secret from your partner. You feel unable to quit using pornography despite the negative impacts it is having on your life. You are less successful at work and in relationships due to spending too much time looking at pornography. You think (or obsess) about looking at pornography when you are doing other things throughout the day. You become defensive or angry when it is suggested that you cut-back or quit looking at pornography. You are experiencing less sexual satisfaction when porn is not involved. You often lose track of time when looking at porn. You feel less interested in engaging in activities and/or social situations that you once enjoyed. You are so consumed with pornography use that you neglect self-care. What You Can Do If You Feel Your Pornography Use is a Problem Accept that this is a problem just as serious as any other addiction. It can be easy to minimize the impacts of an addiction to behaviors such as pornography use since they likely won’t result in physical harm or death like drugs or alcohol can. But if you relate to one or more of the signs listed above, it is probably time to consider taking action steps to at least reduce your use of pornography so that you can live a happier and more fulfilling life. In order to do that, you need to accept that this is a real problem that needs to be addressed directly. Be honest with your partner. One of the most prevalent signs of an addiction is secrecy. When dealing with addiction, people will often try to hide their use of substances or behaviors because they know that if they tell the people closest to them what is going on, they will be challenged and held accountable. If you are serious about getting your pornography use under control, then you need to fill your partner in on everything so that they are able to help you through this process. Find replacement hobbies and activities. Simply put, you need to find other things to fill your time. If you have less free time, you are going to look at less pornography. In addition, engaging in activities and/or social interactions that you enjoy, will help increase your self-esteem. Don’t overwhelm yourself–just try to implement one new hobby or activity at a time. Seek out professional help. If you want to find professional help, but don’t know where to start, try looking for a therapist near you on Psychology Today, or call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMSA)Treatment Referral Helpline at 800-662-HELP (800-662-4357). Once you find a therapist to work with, they will help you clearly define your goal, and will also likely teach you helpful skills and strategies using an evidenced based treatment modality such as Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT.) Your therapist will also help you determine whether medications would be beneficial. Sources: https://www.webmd.com/sex/porn-addiction-possible https://www.verywellmind.com/breaking-pornography-addictions-1270612

How to Navigate and Reduce Anger

Anger is normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Here’s how to navigate anger in a healthy cap.

How to Set Goals –And Stick to Them!

How to Set Goals –And Stick to Them! By: Jessica Taylor, LPC Are there goals that you have been wanting to tackle, but find yourself continually putting them off? Maybe this is because you fear setting a goal and then failing. Or sometimes it can be difficult to even know where to begin. If this is the case for you, here are step-by-step instructions that you can follow to set your goals and stick to them. Narrow it Down to One Current Desired Outcome First, grab a pen and paper. Writing things down is the way to start off on the right foot. Ask yourself: What area of my life am I currently wanting to improve? Are you wanting to prioritize enhancing your social life? Or maybe you feel as though you need to get back on track with your physical health and well-being. Sure, there might be multiple areas in which you want to better yourself, but just pick the most important one first. Once you start making progress and maintaining good habits there, you can use that momentum to drive you to start accomplishing goals in the next domain of your life. A sure way to not make progress on your goals is to overwhelm yourself. Use the SMART Acronym Make sure that your goals are smart! Use this acronym to make sure that your goals are checking all the boxes that will aid in you finding success in accomplishing them. Specific. Broad goals contribute to feeling overwhelmed. Break down a large goal into multiple smaller action steps. For example, having the goal of traveling more in the year 2022 would require short and medium-term goals for saving money, planning where to go, etc. Measurable. This means that there will be specific ways for you to know when you have accomplished your goal. For example: “I will be attending a Pilates class at least three times each week by June of this year.” Achievable. Your goals must be in your control. Take getting a new job for example. Getting hired is out of your control but sending out applications and calling potential employers on a daily basis is within your control. Relevant. Base your goals on your values, not on what you think your values should be. Do you actually want to get a new job, or have your friends been telling you that you should get a new job? Time-bound. Determine a timeline for action steps and a date by which you would like to accomplish your goal. Determine and Plan for Possible Barriers Be sure to plan for possible external variables that might come up and impact your ability to achieve your goals. Some of these may be out of your control, forcing you to just ride the wave and do your best. But other barriers you can plan for. For example, if you plan is to get fit, how will you plan to maintain your goals through the holiday season, when structure is hard to come by? Know Your Currency Rewarding yourself for accomplishing small action steps along the path toward your goals is a great way to stay on track. But it is important to think about what rewards are motivating for you specifically. Here is an example: “After every interview that I complete, I will treat myself to a drink from my favorite cafe.” Have a Support Person Who Can Help Keep You Accountable This can be a friend, family member, or counselor. Share your goals with someone you trust and either ask them to join you in activities associated to your goals, or even just ask that they check-in with you periodically about your progress. Knowing that someone is going to ask you how your goals are going can be the motivation you need to keep going when things get tough. Don’t Beat Yourself Up “Tough love” is really only motivating for a small percentage of people. Think about it: when you say mean things to yourself, this makes you feel bad about yourself. When you feel bad, do you want to do productive things? Probably not. Feeling bad might even be a trigger for engaging in maladaptive behaviors such as using food, drugs, or alcohol to self-medicate. Or cause you to isolate yourself from the people you care about. When you are not making the progress toward your goals that you had hoped for, pay attention to the thoughts that your brain is sending you. If it is saying unhelpful or even harmful things to you, make an effort to remind yourself that buying into those thoughts will not motivate you to make more progress on your goals. Find thoughts that will help you make progress and buy into those instead. Here’s an example: “This week was tough, but I am signed up for that hiking group on Monday and am already making steps towards getting back on track.”

Mindfulness for Beginners

By: Jessica Taylor, LPC The word mindfulness has increased in popularity in recent years–and for good reason. Studies show that the consistent practice of mindfulness can decrease the gray matter in our amygdala. The amygdala is the part of our brain that helps manage stress. And having lower levels of stress can help drastically improve our baseline mood and overall mental health. When our mental health is at a good baseline, we function better at work and in relationships. When our mental health and daily functioning are in a good place, there is evidence that shows this can also improve our physical health. But does the thought of having to ‘quiet’ your mind during a busy day feel overwhelming? Well, here is some good news: practicing mindfulness is probably a lot quicker and easier than you imagine. The Difference Between Mindfulness and Meditation The practices of mindfulness and meditation are similar in that while they both help reduce symptoms of anxiety, there is a difference in their desired outcomes. Mindfulness is described as the awareness of something, while meditation is the awareness of nothing, or trying to clear your mind from ‘clutter’ (Shapiro, 2017). If you are looking for strategies aimed at coping with stress and anxiety in-the-moment (i.e. when you have a stressful work presentation starting in an hour), mindfulness skills are going to be your best friend. Mindfulness Strategies That You Can Try Right Now Use your five senses. Notice these things in-the-moment, using all your senses: Five things that you can see. Four things that you can feel. Three things that you can hear. Two things that you can smell. One thing that you can taste. (This one might seem strange, but maybe you have a piece of gum you can pop in your mouth or have on a flavored lip balm that you can notice the taste of.) Mindful breathing. Just sit and notice six slow breaths, or 60 minutes of breathing. Pay attention to things like how your chest rises and falls as you breath. Notice any changes in your body as you take the time to focus on your breathing. Are your shoulders feeling less tense? Have your clenched fists loosened? Mindful appreciation. Take time throughout your day, or all at once at the end of your day, to notice five things that usually go unnoticed and unappreciated. For example, maybe you walk into your office building every day without noticing the beautiful landscaping outside. What to Do If You are Struggling to Master the Techniques on Your Own Check-in on your consistency. The key to implementing any new strategies is consistency. Just like you would need to train your body to feel ready to run a marathon, you need to train your brain to get accustomed to noticing when mindfulness skills would be helpful. The more often you practice these skills, the more natural they are going to feel in your schedule and the more effective they will be in reducing stress and maintaining a positive baseline mood. Check-in on your other needs. If you are tired, thirsty, or hungry, it is going to be exceedingly difficult to feel invested in using mindfulness strategies. Our most basic physiological needs must be attended to prior to attempting these “higher level” coping skills. Look up some videos. Look for videos on YouTube for additional instruction on how to use mindfulness strategies. Or search for podcasts and/or apps that pertain to mindfulness. Reach out to a counselor. If you feel as though you have attempted mindfulness strategies on a consistent basis and are still not sure if you are doing it right, there is no shame in reaching out for extra support. A therapist can help you practice mindfulness during sessions, and will also hold you accountable in achieving your goal of implementing mindfulness on a regular basis.

Problematic Drinking on the Rise Due to Pandemic and Isolation

By: Jessica Taylor, LPC Are You Concerned About a Recent Increase in Your Alcohol Consumption? It goes without saying that the COVID-19 pandemic has had so many negative impacts on our society. One of the most alarming of those impacts is the increase in alcohol use. According to one study conducted with adults in the US, 60% of participants reported an increase in drinking compared to before the pandemic, while only 13% reported a decrease. While the need for negative coping skills might decrease as life starts to feel more “normal,” it is important to consider that unhealthy habits formed during the past year might not be easy to break once the pandemic is over. In addition, binge drinking can have long-term impacts on our health. For these reasons, it is critical to determine whether your drinking habits might be problematic, and if so, what you can do about it. What Is Considered Excessive Drinking? According to the CDC, excessive drinking is classified differently for men and women. Women: Four or more drinks during one occasion, or eight or more drinks in one week Men: Five or more drinks during one occasion, or 15 or more drinks in one week. Reasons for Increased Alcohol Use During the COVID-19 Pandemic Using alcohol as a coping skill to manage emotional stress. Alcohol is often used as a coping skill for symptoms of anxiety or depression because it is thought to ‘numb’ the negative thoughts or feelings. But using drugs or alcohol as an avoidance tool is not helpful in the long run, as all those things that you are numbing yourself from experiencing in-the-moment will inevitably catch up to you. Boredom If you are single and/or living alone, boredom during the pandemic has probably been frequent and distressing. You were accustomed to being able to schedule yourself time alone while balancing that with social outings. For many adults in the US, using alcohol has just become a way to pass the time. To avoid thinking about life stressors such as financial issues, job loss, loss of loved ones, having to homeschool children, etc. Again, here is that pesky use of avoidance as a coping skill—this time for situational stressors. It is safe to say that most of us have experienced at least one loss in the past year. For some people, the worst-case scenario: losing a loved one to COVID-19. To others, a loss of a job, or even just the loss of alone time while your kids are at school. We must acknowledge all loss and the impacts that this is having on our mental health and daily functioning. Signs of Excessive Alcohol Consumption Experiencing physical symptoms such as: headaches, nausea, stomach issues, fatigue, shakiness, etc. Increase in symptoms of depression such as: feeling sad, having thoughts of self-harm or suicide, feeling hopeless, etc. Increased anxiety as evidenced by: racing and/or intrusive thoughts, excessive worrying, feelings of dread, etc. Hiding alcohol use from loved ones. Chances are that if you are trying to minimize the appearance of how much you drink, then you are at least unconsciously aware that you are excessively using alcohol. Increase in relationship or work conflict (Hall, 2021). Drinking excessively can result in an increase in anger and irritability, so this can make it more difficult to function well in all the different domains of life. What You Can Do If You Want to Decrease Your Alcohol Consumption Define your desired outcome: abstinence or decrease use? While abstaining from alcohol is great, and will likely result in long-term health benefits, this goal can feel overwhelming for some. Improving your relationship with alcohol is not a black-and-white issue. Make your goals achievable and sustainable. If cutting back on alcohol use doesn’t work (i.e. having “just one drink” always turns into binge drinking), then consider abstinence. Go to therapy. Meeting with a therapist is going to help you make reasonable (again, sustainable and achievable) goals, determine your own triggers for excessive alcohol use, and the positive replacement behaviors you can use as needed. Your therapist will meet you where you are emotionally, and help you confront your excessive alcohol use in a manner that is non-judgmental. Engage in hobbies and other creative interests. If you are currently filling your time with activities that involve drinking alcohol, ask yourself what other hobbies interested you in the past or you have always wanted to try but just haven’t gotten around to yet. Focus on caring for your basic needs. If you start paying attention to other aspects of your physical health, there is a chance that you might improve your relationship with alcohol along the way. Set one small goal at a time. Start with just drinking more water each day. Then start taking daily walks. Next, pay attention to the quality and quantity of sleep you are getting each night. Practice mindful alcohol use. To begin the practice of drinking more mindfully, first pay attention to the function, or the ‘why?’ of your drinking. Often times, when individuals are engaging in alcohol use, they are doing so while on kind of an “auto-pilot.” Instead, practice being fully present and slowly savoring each drink. This is another skill that a therapist can help you master.