Erin Carpenter, Author at Thrive Counseling

Blog Archives

The Connection between Depression and Marijuana

Is there a connection between depression and Marijuana. Since weed is legal in Colorado, we get asked often about the effect of marijuana on depression, and if marijuana use can cause depression. We also get asked a lot if marijuana can help depression. Let’s look at each of these questions one at a time: Is there a connection between Depression and Marijuana? The short answer is yes, there is a connection between depression and marijuana, but it’s not clear yet if marijuana use can cause depression or make it worse. The research shows that people that smoke weed regularly have higher rates of depression than people who don’t partake. A recent study done on men showed a correlation between beginning to use marijuana early in life (early to mid-teens) and the likelihood of depression as an adult. However, a few other factors mediated this relationship. Meaning, these other things could also explain the connection: Martial status (if you’re single or coupled up) Employment status (being unemployed can lead to depression) Using other substances like tobacco and alcohol Education level (they found more education leads to less depression, probably due to better job prospects and higher income) Can using Marijuana cause Depression? The best answer from research is no, using marijuana by itself cannot cause depression. Depression is a mental health issue that’s extremely common, and usually comes and goes for people throughout their lifetime. While some people will struggle with depression throughout their lives, it’s much more common to have a depression episode due to a stressful life event, like losing a loved one, losing a job, feeling stagnant in your life or having a fallout with a close friend. Will smoking Marijuana help my Depression or make it worse? There’s some evidence that shows using marijuana can make depression worse, if you already feel depressed. This isn’t really due to the effects of weed on the brain, it’s more due to the fact that using any substance (weed, alcohol, you name it) to cope with problems can worsen depression. Using a substance to avoid uncomfortable feelings or to numb feelings tends to keep people stuck in the situation they are in, rather than help them change behaviors to feel better. Marijuana can be especially unhelpful for depression because it tends to sap people’s motivation to do much at all, and so they don’t work to change their relationships, get a better job, work on themselves, or resolve a past wound. There’s noting overtly harmful about using Marijuana if you are depressed, and occasional sue will probably not worsen depression, but doing other things like getting counseling, talking to a friend, or engaging in an activity will be much more helpful if you are struggling with depression.

Is Marijuana Good or Bad for Anxiety?

Is Marijuana Good or Bad for Anxiety? Thrive Counseling is in Denver, so marijuana is everywhere. I think it will be legal is most states very soon, and it’s widely used in varying levels. I personally think it should be legal, and it’s not incredibly harmful. But if you struggle with anxiety, you probably want to know if using marijuana is helpful or harmful when it comes to anxiety. So what does the evidence say about Marijuana and Anxiety? In 2009 researchers from several universities teamed up to review all the evidence about Marijuana and anxiety. They published their results in the Journal Human Psychopharmacology. Here’s what they found: There is a link between using Marijuana and Anxiety There is an undeniable link between having symptoms of clinical anxiety (like panic attacks and high general anxiety) and using marijuana. It’s generally agreed upon that Marijuana actually causes anxiety in people, but people are also trying to help their anxiety by using Marijuana. Furthermore, as people reported more Marijuana use, they also reported having higher anxiety. Some people have a strong Anxiety reaction to high doses of Marijuana Some people report having strong and almost immediate anxious reactions to using marijuana (including panic attacks). This is more common wihen people take a high dose of marijuana, or don’t use it very often. It also happens more often in stressful situations or novel situations (lie being in a new place rather than your own home). Unsurprisingly, people who have this reaction don’t ned to go on and become regular users. If you’re taking an anti-anxiety medication, Marijuana can interfere with its effectiveness There are studies that show using marijuana actually counter-acts the useful properties of anti-anxiety medications. Researchers don’t know exactly why yet, but hypothesize that the way marijuana works in the brain blocks the calming effects of these medications. Marijuana use can increase worrying and anxious thoughts There is some evidence that regular marijuana use can increase certain types of thought processes which lead ot worrying and anxious thoughts. This is called ‘Catastrphic Thinking’ and it’s the kind of thought processes which takes some negative event and then exacerbates it into an emergency ro catastrophe. For example, if you get one bad grade on a test, you might think “I’m going to fail this class and then flunk out of school and be in lots of trouble.” That’s a big leap to make. This kind of thinking is found in people who struggle with a lot of anxiety. Balancing THC and CBD can help with the anxiety-producing effects of Marijuana There are some studies that were done on rats and mice that suggests having a high dose of both TCH and CBD ameliorates the anxiety that THC along can produce. THC is the psycho-active ingredient in Marijuana. CBD is another ingredient in Marijuana, and it doesn’t make users feel ‘high’, but may have other medicinal uses. In states with Marijuana is legal, you can ask at a dispensary for ‘high CBD’ types of Marijuana to achieve this balance of ingredients. The Anxiety-Response of Marijuana appears to be worse for women than men For reasons researchers don’t understand yet, this link between anxiety and Marijuana is worse for women than for men. So if you’re a woman, be cautious about this. So, is Marijuana good or bad for anxiety? It’s pretty clear from the evidence that is you have underlying anxiety, marijuana will likely make it somewhat worse. It may initially relieve anxiety, but over time it may worsen your anxiety. When working with clients with anxiety, I usually recommend not starting to use marijuana, and if they already use it regularly, to take a short break of a month or two and see if their anxiety improves. Every person is different and there is a lot we don’t yet know about it, so it’s important to find what works for you.

How to Cope with Shame and Develop Shame Resilience

*Today’s post is a Guest Post from the wonderful folks at Lincoln Park Therapy Group in Chicago. Check them out here. “Ugh, I can’t believe I did that! I’m so dumb!” Have you ever said that to yourself? If so, you were probably feeling something called shame. Whether we like to admit it or not, shame is a universal human emotions – it’s something we all experience. Sometimes we feel it for only a moment and it leaves us like an unpleasant thought. Other times it stays for much longer, inching into our minds until it completely twists how we see the world and how we believe the world sees us. But what is shame? Basically shame is the icky feeling we get when we perceive that our actions are deficient in light of certain standards, and consequently we extend this perception to ourselves. It can be a physical sensation, like a rock in your stomach, and an emotion you feel in your soul at the same time. In both cases, it is important to acknowledge feelings of shame and develop strategies for managing it. How to Cope With Shame Let me start by saying something important: Shame is a normal and common human emotion. Nobody likes feeling shame, but nobody should ever think that something is wrong with them for feeling it either. The problem that arises with shame is that it can overwhelm and cause us to act in ways we normally wouldn’t… especially when we’re trying to ignore it. There are some typical reactions to shame that we all tend to do, including: withdrawal, aggression, and approval seeking behavior. Research has even shown that “shame can be experienced as such a negative, intense emotion of self-loathing that it can lead one to disown it, and, in the case of one who acts like a bully, give it away by evoking that emotion in others.” In cases such as this, the person feeling shame uses that emotion as a weapon – he or she actually makes others feel shame as well to make themselves feel better. It’s important to understand that these reactions are actually defense mechanisms, or skills that we’ve developed to help us cope with shame. In the center of these defenses lies a fight-or-flight instinct to separate us from others or ourselves and ultimately the cause of our shame. This can often lead to emotional isolation, which can bring about deeper feelings of shame. But, what if there was a better way to deal with these feelings? Try Shame Reslience! We can’t inoculate ourselves from feeling shame – but, there are ways of managing it. Shame researcher Brené Brown found during her research that acknowledging our shame and developing empathy for ourselves actually helps to lower the negative effects that shame can bring. By using empathy, we can learn to connect with ourselves to overcome shame, instead of continuing with isolating defense tactics. Brené Brown calls this strategy Shame Resilience and helps us use empathetic practices to overcome shame. At its core, it means learning how to be vulnerable enough to share with someone you trust what you’re feeling instead of keeping it a secret. More importantly, it involves changing how you to talk to yourself. Negative self-talk and secrecy feed the belly of the “shame” shark. Speaking kindly about yourself and telling your story to people whom you trust removes the veil of secrecy and leaves shame has no place to lurk. If you’re interested in learning more about shame resiliency, this article gives an excellent overview of Shame Resilience Therapy and how it developed. You can also check out this video for some quick tips from Brené Brown on how to work through shame.

Depression Therapy in Denver for Men and Women

How Depression Looks Different in Men and Women

Unfortunately, depression has become a very prevailing part of our day-to-day lives. The stress of work and finances builds up on top of personal matters, like family crisis, low self-esteem, and other disturbances. Thankfully, psychologists and mental health professionals have gone in-depth into the study of depression and its symptoms, and if you’re currently facing a time of heartache, apathy, or struggle, you could likely benefit from visiting a therapist. What can a therapist do for me? People of all backgrounds and life circumstances find themselves in need of a therapist every day. The act of seeking out help is not something to be frowned upon, and it is the only surefire way to successfully work through whatever problems you find yourself facing currently. If you’re suffering any of the below symptoms of depression, you could most certainly benefit from speaking with a professional who will be able to help you work through personal issues and re-gain your sense of happiness. What Depression Looks Like Depression looks differently in men and women. While it shares some common symptoms between the two genders, it usually makes itself known in slightly different ways. Men Women Apathy (lack of enthusiasm and/or concern for activities or people) Persistently sad, anxious, or “empty” mood Loss of appetite or changes in eating habits Loss of appetite or tendency to overeat Fatigue, feeling tired and drowsy consistently Fatigue, decreased energy, feeling “slowed down” Loss of interest in activities Loss of interest in activities Low self-esteem Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, pessimism, and hopelessness Sexual problems, including reduced sex drive Reduced sex drive Sleep disturbances Sleeping too much or too little, waking early Thoughts of death or suicide Thoughts of death or suicide Self-destructive behavior such as binge eating, drinking, etc. Physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, like headaches, chronic pain, and digestive disorders For women, depression tends to make them act sad and emotional whereas, in men, they will typically be irritable, aggressive, and even hostile. How to Handle Depression If you or a loved one appears to be struggling with symptoms of depression, there is no good reason to delay action. Depression is something that often makes people feel as if they are being swallowed whole. The lack of sleep and energy leads to a daily to-dos building up, with the list of stresses looming above the person, feeling bigger each day. This further wears the person out, often lowering their self-esteem even more as they struggle to find joy in pleasurable activities and continue feeling as though they are facing issue after issue in their life. Sleeping problems will begin contributing to physical health issues, and so will the change in eating habits and activities. This can lead to excessive weight loss or gain, and will put a significant amount of added stress on the person, both inside and out. This unfortunate “snowballing” pattern of depression is what leads many to bouts of depression that last for weeks, months, or even years. Without treatment, depression is unlikely to simply disappear on its own. Those facing it will continuously feel powerless and unconfident, and when in a deep state of depression, it is difficult to see things clearly, think rationally, or remind oneself of the “silver lining” of tragedy and inconveniences. The effect is a depression cycle that gets worse and worse. Rather than trying to tackle the issue yourself, the absolute best option is to seek assistance from someone who specializes in helping people overcome such hurdles in their life. Male depression is incredibly common, and more and more people each day are overcoming it by having the courage to ask for help. By choosing to start depression therapy, you can begin getting back to your old self again and feeling better than ever before. What To Expect Depression treatment rarely needs to involve medication. If you are wondering what to expect, there’s no reason to feel overwhelmed by the potential treatment plans. You likely have a few misconceptions about what therapists are like and what exactly they’ll do to help you, but this short list of treatment facts will begin to help clear it up: At the first session and every one there after, you and your therapist will simply be having a conversation. There is nothing to feel anxious or stressed about, and you’ll likely find the time passing by without even thinking about it. Your therapist will never force you to talk about something if you don’t want to share, but the benefit of starting depression therapy is that you have someone there to talk to about anything. As a professional, your therapist will help you see things in a different light and start working through the issues you find yourself facing. As you and your therapist begin to build a trusting relationship, you’ll find yourself opening up with ease. With time, you’ll be able to use the skills and tools your therapist teaches you to start working through your stress and troubles independently. Your therapist’s main goal when you enter into a treatment plan is to help you recover in as little or as much time as it takes. You’ll be able to move at your own pace through therapy, and when you feel you’re ready, you’re free to end your treatment plan. Since it is such a personal issue, the length of time it takes to recover from depression varies. No matter how quickly it happens, however, starting today will put you on the right track. If you are searching for a trusted and professional Denver Therapist, give our office a call today or stop by. We look forward to assisting you on your path to recovery.

How To Make Your New Year’s Resolution Stick

This is a post from the American Psychological Association with great ideas to make your New Year’s Resolution stick. Lose weight? Check. Start exercising? Check. Stop smoking? Check. It can be daunting when your list of New Year’s Resolutions is as long as your holiday shopping list. In addition to the post-holiday slump, not being able to keep your resolutions by February, March or even late January may increase your anxiety. When your holiday decorations are packed up and stored away, the frustration of an unused gym membership or other reminders of failed resolutions can make the later winter months feel hopeless. However, it is important to remember that the New Year isn’t meant to serve as a catalyst for sweeping character changes. It is a time for people to reflect on their past year’s behavior and promise to make positive lifestyle changes. “Setting small, attainable goals throughout the year, instead of a singular, overwhelming goal on January 1 can help you reach whatever it is you strive for,” says psychologist Lynn Bufka, PhD. “Remember, it is not the extent of the change that matters, but rather the act of recognizing that lifestyle change is important and working toward it, one step at a time.” By making your resolutions realistic, there is a greater chance that you will keep them throughout the year, incorporating healthy behavior into your everyday life. APA offers these tips when thinking about a News Year’s resolution: Start small Make resolutions that you think you can keep. If, for example, your aim is to exercise more frequently, schedule three or four days a week at the gym instead of seven. If you would like to eat healthier, try replacing dessert with something else you enjoy, like fruit or yogurt, instead of seeing your diet as a form of punishment. Change one behavior at a time Unhealthy behaviors develop over the course of time. Thus, replacing unhealthy behaviors with healthy ones requires time. Don’t get overwhelmed and think that you have to reassess everything in your life. Instead, work toward changing one thing at a time. Talk about it Share your experiences with family and friends. Consider joining a support group to reach your goals, such as a workout class at your gym or a group of coworkers quitting smoking. Having someone to share your struggles and successes with makes your journey to a healthier lifestyle that much easier and less intimidating. Don’t beat yourself up Perfection is unattainable. Remember that minor missteps when reaching your goals are completely normal and OK. Don’t give up completely because you ate a brownie and broke your diet, or skipped the gym for a week because you were busy. Everyone has ups and downs; resolve to recover from your mistakes and get back on track. Ask for support Accepting help from those who care about you and will listen strengthens your resilience and ability to manage stress caused by your resolution. If you feel overwhelmed or unable to meet your goals on your own, consider seeking professional help. Psychologists are uniquely trained to understand the connection between the mind and body. They can offer strategies as to how to adjust your goals so that they are attainable, as well as help you change unhealthy behaviors and address emotional issues.

The Denver Health Trend that Leaves Us All Hating Our Bodies

Denver is an amazing city. I love it, and you probably do too. Ever since I moved here in 2009 I’ve made the Mile High City my home. I initially loved the focus on health, exercise, and outdoor activities. But over the years working with my clients at Thrive Counseling, I’ve noticed a trend that, as a therapist, I’m not too happy with. This focus on being healthy has morphed into an intense (and sometimes unhealthy) focus on exercise and activities and the need to “fit in” in Denver, which for a lot of my clients means “having the perfect body.” My husband and I joke to each other that in Denver or the surrounding mountains there is always someone “more extreme” than you. Last week I was out hiking, enjoying the mountains, and generally feeling good about myself. I felt like I was getting some good exercise in, and I gave myself a mental pat on the back about it. “Look at me” I thought, “I’m hiking up a mountain at 8am on a Sunday, go me!.” Then the inevitable happens. “On your left!” I hear from behind me. A kick-ass woman at least 20 years older than I am runs by me. I was huffing and puffing just walking up this incline, and she’s running past me. I felt the wind fall out of my sails, and started to compare myself to her. Here she was, leaving me in the dust. My friends have had this feeling too. If you think you’re doing well with your own exercise goals, there’s always someone else on the trail, in the gym, or on their yoga mat that is much more advanced than you. Comparison happens everywhere of course, but it seems like Denver is a hyper-competitive city in terms of exercise and body image. So What’s Up With Denver and Body Image? Colorado has long ranked as the top or nearly the top healthiest state in the union. It has nearly the lowest average BMI in the nation and ranks high in measures of well-being. But there’s another story hiding in these stats: the focus on health, especially in the Denver Metro Area, can lead to poor body image, eating disorders and a general sense not never being “enough.” My clients tell me all about this. They can never do enough yoga, run enough Warrior Dashes, climb enough 14-ers, ski enough power days, or feel good enough in their skin. At CU Boulder, female students report triple the rates of eating disorders over the national average. Male students report double the national average. Among Colorado teens, the rate of eating disorders is the fifth highest in the nation. Is It Unhealthy to be Ultra-Focused on Health? Actually, it can be. If a focus on health goes overboard, it can grow into an eating disorder. What is more likely, however, is a particular way of relating to food and exercise known as Orthorexia. It literally means a fixation on “righteous eating.” Someone with Orthorexia is so obsessed with healthy eating, they try to achieve a state of purity via organic vegetables or Chia-seed-laced drinks. They can fall for fad diets, hard. They feel anxiety-ridden and guilty about eating anything that they might consider unhealthy. They exercise in a rigid and sometimes extreme manner. Although eventually people’s health suffers from this approach to ‘healthy eating’, what usually suffers first is friendships and social life. It’s very hard to connect with someone who is rigid around food, and perhaps judges your ‘non-pure’ diet. Clients tell me about the pressure in Denver to fit in, and fitting in here can revolve around food, exercise, and having “a perfect body.” A 28 year-old engineer was in my office yesterday and said: “The perfect Denver girl is doing yoga all the time, and hiking, and making protein smoothies. It’s just so intense out here. Sometimes I think I’m doing well and then see my friend post about their 3-hour hot yoga session and I feel bad all over again.” How To Love Your Body in Denver My advice to clients who want to move past body issues is to start with small steps. First, acknowledge that you live in a bit of a pressure-cooker when it comes to body image. Give yourself some grace when you feel like you don’t “measure up.” Then gently challenge your own assumptions. Do you really believe that eating in a certain way is morally better than another way? Do you like everyone “should” be able to do two Warrior Dashes in one weekend, at altitude no less? Do you have reasonable expectations for yourself, or are those expectations not compatible with a balanced life? After you have gained some insight, then take action. If you’ve fallen into a rigid way of eating, go get a meal that’s a little outside your comfort zone. Or if you feel a cold coming on, allow yourself to skip that CrossFit class. Finally, it’s okay to reach out for help. A counselor or Dietician can help you feel out what’s reasonable and what may be too extreme in terms of eating and exercise. Denver, keep being awesome, and keep loving yourselves!

Using a Professional Counselor to Help With the Emotional Aspects of Divorce

Guest Post: This is a guest post from the wonderful professionals at Divorce Matters in Denver, CO. They can help guide you through a pain-free divorce. If you are getting divorced in Denver, CO you are far from alone. According to data provided by the United States Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), approximately 30 percent of American marriages end in divorce within the first ten years. Only 55 percent of U.S. couples make it to the 20th year of marriage. Dealing with a divorce can be incredibly challenging. In most cases, there are many complex logistical issues that need to be handled by all parties. With so much going, most people find it difficult to put much of their attention on their own emotional needs. This is why working with a qualified professional counselor can be extremely beneficial. A counselor can help provide a truly supportive and non-judgmental environment. In this type of environment, you will be able to better understand yourself, so that you can properly grieve and begin moving forward to a new stage in your life. Coping With the Emotional Effects of Divorce Many people underestimate the immense psychological impact of divorce. There is strong evidence that going through a divorce can adversely affect a person’s mental health. Of course, this does not have to be an inevitable result. It is important that you are able to anticipate the potential emotional effects of divorce so that you will be ready to deal with the challenges. Divorce is associated with: Feelings of anger; Feelings of resentment; Feelings of sadness or guilt; Feelings of abandonment; Loss of purpose; Loss of direction; Intense anxiety; Shame; and Overall emotional trauma. You may not be feeling all of those effects. In fact, you may not even totally understand what you feel. With divorce, it is common to be confused, conflicted, and disillusioned. One of the primary benefits of working with a high-quality professional counselor is that your counselor will be able to help you work towards finding clarity. Allowing the Grieving Process to Occur With a traumatic event like a divorce, the grieving process can be difficult. It can only occur once you are able to carefully confront your own feelings. Every person goes through the grieving process in a different way. Not only will the amount of time that it takes to grieve be different, but the form of the grieving process will also vary by person. It is important to work with a professional counselor who can help you work towards health and wholeness in a manner that is best tailored to your specific needs. Moving Forward With Your Life Your counselor can help you move forward with your life. Ultimately, the goal is to get you feeling better. While getting started, especially if you are unfamiliar with therapy, can be difficult, it does not have to be that way. Your professional counselor can work at a pace and in style that is best suited for you. This way, you can move towards acceptance and regain a sense of power and control over your own life.

Was I Sexually Harassed? How to Tell and How to Move Forward

The Effects of Sexual Harassment, and How To Moved Forward if You Were Harassed at Work. There’s big news going around about the predatory behavior of Harvey Weinstein. Multitudes of women has come forward about being harassed by him and having their boundaries violated. Unfortunately, sexual harassment is really, really common. Just look through you Facebook and Instagram feed and see your friends saying #metoo. What Does Sexual Harassment Look Like? Sexual harassment is unwelcome sexual conduct that interferes with one’s job and creates a hostile work environment. It can occur as either a single isolated incident or repeated incidents over time (often escalating in severity as the harasser learns he or she can ‘get away with it.’) Sexual harassment includes: Showing or bringing in offensive materials into the workplace (like sharing links or videos that are sexual in nature, or targeted at someone in particular) Sexual comments like pickup lines or comments about your body or physical appearance Inappropriate touching (there’s really never a reason to touch a co-worker) Here’s the thing about sexual harassment, it’s often cloaked in the form of a joke, and therefore it’s sometimes hard for victims to ascribe malicious intent to the harassment. But the intent is not the issue; if the effect of a joke or comment or action makes you go ‘eew’, feel uncomfortable and not safe in your workplace, then that’s harassment. How To Move Forward if You Were Harassed At Work If this has happened to you (which, odds are, it has), here’s some things to do to move forward, heal, and continue to succeed at your job: Report it I know this is a hard one. There’s lots of power dynamics in workplaces, and lots of gendered narratives about sexual harassment at work. It’s hard to feel like you can make in-roads with the ‘all-boys club’ if you are pointing out inappropriate behavior. You might feel like you’ll lose your job or a future promotion if you report it. But this toxic culture of the workplace needs to stop, and if HR departments all over the country received a flood of reports, then they would be forced to make a change. Name what happened to you, and know that you’re not alone. Sexual harassment can be hard to pin down. We minimize it a lot. We think ‘well he was just joking’ or ‘he wasn’t really talking about me.’ But if you feel really uncomfortable deep down, if you have that ‘ick’ factor about your workplace, that’s harassment. You are not alone. A recent survey found that 1 in 3 women reported being harassed at work (and about one-third reported it) Talk About It There’s something very healing about talking about difficult experiences. We get to process through what happened, and be supported by others.You can talk to a trusted friend, family member, or a counselor. It’s important to process what happened, move through those emotions, and let it rest in the past. Be Aware of Your Mental Health Being a victim of Sexual Harassment has been linked to increased risk of depression. If you’re feeling depressed, hopeless, or feel that you can’t stop thinking about the past, consider getting a professional evaluation of you mental health so that you can get the help that you need. I’ve worked with many clients who has experience sexual harassment, and at times even their workplace paid for their treatment.

Why Am I Still Single?

I get asked this question a lot in my office. A new client will sigh resignedly on the couch and ask a brave question: Why Am I Still Single? Some people are single by choice, of course. But if you’re reading this that’s probably not you. You’ve read all the other advice about ‘putting yourself out there’ and meeting new people, but it still doesn’t seem to click. It feels lonely and isolating. Your best friend will tell you that you’re wonderful and those potential boyfriends or girlfriends are really missing out because you’re a catch. But I’m a therapist, and my job is digging deeper and some serious truth-telling, so here’s some themes I’ve noticed with my still-single clients and how to work towards what we all want: blissful coupledom. You’re Being Picky (or, How To Pop Your Own Bubble and Be Happier for It) You might be picky. Too picky. Even if you aren’t outright writing off potential partners due to superficial reasons like height, eye color, or their horrible taste in beer, you may not be noticing the wonderful potential partners right in front of you. More to the point, we all have a fantasy in our heads of out future partner, and you might need to break up with this fantasy in order to meet you actual partner. Don’t feel badly; we all construct this fantasy man or woman over the course of our lives and that’s a healthy, normal thing to do. We take our experiences and mold them into a ‘Mr or Ms. Right.’ We also wisely learn what we do not want in a partner, and make sure our fantasy partner does not have that quality. This is all well and good until we begin to be too attached to our fantasy, and we see it as a reality or use it to make a wish-list of sorts. Take a moment to reflect on your ‘perfect partner’ and ask if this picture is too specific, or getting in the way of noticing real live potential partners around you. You’re Not Actually Asking People Out Ladies, I’m looking at you for this one! Guys as well, but I see this more with women. I’ll address the women first and then the men. Gender roles are changing, and quickly. You won’t get what you want unless you actually go after it. I know it’s nerve-wracking to ask someone out (believe me, I’ve been there). But here’s a little secret: guys love it when they get asked out. It totally makes their day. Even if they are not interested, they feel great about it. More importantly, clearly and directly asking someone out gives us all practice in taking our own desires seriously, tolerating momentary anxiety, and facing our well-worn fear of rejection. This is great practice for building real and lasting intimacy within a relationship, so you might as well start now! Guys, the same applies for you. If you meet someone and would really like to take them out ask them. And ask directly! None of this, let’s hang out sometime. Actually use the word ‘date’ please! The women (and men) I work with really dislike not really knowing if someone is interested in them as a friend or as a partner. I know it takes some vulnerability, but reach deep down, take a deep breath and say: I’ve really enjoyed meeting you, and would love to get to know you better. Can I take you out on a date sometime? Really, that’s all you need to say. If they say no, be gracious and thank them for being direct. Then lick your wounds a bit, and try it again. Do Your Own Work, and the Relationship Will Come My final point is, not surprisingly coming from a therapist, that you should do your own self-improvement work whether you are in a relationship or not. If you have a lingering depression, that ‘once in a while’ anxiety attack, or are just straight-up unhappy with your life, the time to start that work is now. You want your future partner to respect and love you, so you first need to love and respect yourself by getting what you need, making those hard changes, and learning what makes you happy outside of a relationship. This will serve you in your future relationship, believe me. If you make yourself a better, more secure version of you today, you are in a better position to connect with other tomorrow.

Can Volunteering Improve Your Physical and Mental Health?

This is a Guest Post from the wonderful folks at Project Helping, a non-profit that connects volunteers with opportunities to help the community, all in the name of improving mental health and well-being. Check them out at www.projecthelping.org Can volunteering improve your physical and mental health? Many would assume that giving our time or monetary support is inherently rewarding. But do peer- reviewed studies reflect this notion? Over the past century, there have been countless studies done on the effects volunteering has on people. By building on the knowledge of their predecessors, researchers have found some casual relationships between giving and happiness. Though each study had different controls, methods, and hypotheses, nearly each has resulted in the conclusion that volunteering may have more health benefits than we ever imagined. The World Health Organization estimates that depression is the third leading cause of disease, projected to be the second cause world-wide by 2020, and will rank first in high-income nations by 2030- making it a major public health issue. In fact, one in four Americans, over 60 million people, experience mental illness in a year. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, depression can exacerbate effects of chronic conditions, such as asthma, arthritis, cancer, diabetes, and obesity. Not only does altruism improve your psychological well being, many studies indicate there is a positive relationship between volunteering and cardiovascular disease, disability, mortality, and life satisfaction. The National Alliance on Mental Illness states that when coupled with supportive relationships and counseling, one of the best strategies to prevent depression and suicide in young persons is extra curricular activities, such as sports and voluntary community service. Parenting experts agree that increased autonomy, encouragement, conflict resolution, optimism, understanding, and goal-setting may help improve your childʼs mood. Volunteerism can tackle a myriad of these positive influences simultaneously. And by volunteering with your child, you can set a non-stigmatizing, proactive example in a social, compassionate environment. Volunteering has also been shown to inhibit anti-social behavior in adolescents and may have rehabilitative effects for all ages. In Taiwan, researchers conducted an 18-year longitudinal analysis (1989-2007) of adults over the aged 60-64, studying the relationship between social participation, which included volunteer groups, and depressive symptoms. Their results indicated that participation is “globally beneficial” to the psychological health of older adults and mitigates depressive symptoms. According to a similar British study conducted on all ages of adults between 1996 to 2008, the General Health Questionnaire score was best among those who had volunteered and worst among those who had never volunteered. Though the study indicates adults over 40 often reported mental wellness from volunteerism, evidence also suggests people under 40 who volunteered frequently had much more positive GHQ scores. Isen and Levin (1972) investigated the “positive affective state on his or her subsequent helpfulness to others.” Their results indicate people who feel good themselves are more inclined to help others. Dunn, Aknin, and Norton (2008) found that even when controlling for income, individuals who devoted more prosocial spending, or money spent to aid others, were happier. Harbaugh, Mayr, and Burghart (2007) established that giving money to charity leads to brain activity in regions associated with pleasure and reward. Depression can cause disaffection with family, work, and personal goals- leading many to delay rejoining or contributing to society. Higher rates of depression and suicide are seen in individuals experiencing obesity, heart disease, stroke, sleep disorders, lack of education, lack of access to medical care, unemployment, and divorce- motivating some governments to take action. In fact, the economic impact of suicide death in the United States is estimated near $34 billion annually and another $8 billion in non-fatal injuries and indirect costs, such as lost wages. Because of the growing evidence that volunteering contributes skills, energy, public health and knowledge to communities across the globe, many countries are beginning to regard it as a national resource. In 1997, the United Nations General Assembly proclaimed 2001 as the International Year of Volunteers. This idea stemmed from talks between international non-governmental organizations (NGOs) and the growing recognition that voluntary service makes an essential contribution to societal well being. Prior to 2001, few countries had policies that specifically addressed volunteerism. Now, hundreds of laws and policies throughout the world exist to promote and enable the benefits of volunteering. Dialogue about prosocial behavior and its link to wellbeing dates as far back as ancient Greece. Aristotle asserted that “eudaemonia,” which roughly translates as “human flourishing,” is the goal of life. More than just the pursuit of happiness, it reflects the state in which an individual experiences happiness from successful attendance to their moral and ethical duties. Extensive results demonstrate volunteering’s pro-health qualities. Whether it is sharing your resources, time, or positive attitude, even self-interested giving causes the same effects. No matter your motivations, volunteering is a great first step to creating a real difference in your community and yourself. When you give, you start a chain reaction. You help someone in need, you improve your mood, and you continue to give to receive that productive, connected feeling. Since many studies have found this to be true, shouldnʼt we start educating ourselves and others about the positive feedback loop? Maybe Aristotle was correct- we can flourish when we acknowledge our connectedness and attend to our needs through the needs of others.

To Move Past Your Past, Visit It.

I had a therapy session today with a brave and insightful young woman who is working hard to get past her past. She was sexually abused as a child, and she wants to move on from it. She says that it haunts her, and that she can’t stop thinking about the past. I was reminded today during our session one of important pillar of the work I do in counseling to get people to move on from their past; that to leave it behind, we actually need to re-visit it. Not being able to stop thinking about the past can be a sign of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It can also be a sign of just having a difficult time in your life, or feeling ‘stuck’ in general. Usually we try to cope with this by stuffing it down, telling ourselves to stop thinking about it, or focusing only on the present. Unfortunately, this way of coping doesn’t usually work in the long-term. We may be able to “forget about it” for a while, but it comes up again, often at the most inopportune times. Like when we want to start a new relationship, or be intimate with a partner, or even when things are finally “going right.” That’s when the past can come knocking. Today I was leading my client in a mindfulness exercise to prepare us for doing her trauma work; which for her is talking about her memories of abuse while I help her self-regulate, be calm, and integrate her feelings. This is hard work, and one of her fears about doing counseling is that he will get “stuck” in the past by talking about it. She’s worried that the bad feelings from the past will seep into the present and overpower her (sound familiar?) While we were doing a little meditation together, I reminded her that we visit the past, but we don’t live there. We set an intention together to be visit her past, explore it together, and then come back to the present together as well. It reminded me of one of the core prinicples od trauma treatment; that to move past your past, you have to visit it once again. So if you are struggling with constant thoughts about your past, or feel ‘stuck’ with it, try to visit it from time to time. Here’s what I recommend: Set a time and place that feels calm and you won’t be interrupted to visit your past. Set a time limit for yourself to do this, so it doesn’t feel never-ending (15-20 minutes is fine) Spent that time visiting the past by journaling about it, looking at pictures taken at that time, or making an art project or collage about it. While you’re doing this, try to stay with any uncomfortable feelings that come up (it’s hard, I know). If you feel overwhelmed, take a break. When your time is up, put away your journal, pictures, or art and spend a few minutes coming back to the present. Notice your own breathing or do a quick mindfulness meditation. Move on to the next activity that’s engaging for you. Remember that it’s a process. The first few times you visit the past it may be difficult, but over time it will become easier. Stick with it.

Do I Have an Eating Disorder? How To Tell if You Have an Eating Disorder

I often get the question “Do I have an Eating Disorder?” Or, “How can I tell if I actually have an Eating Disorder?” I can be very difficult to tell if you have an eating disorder, and usually there is a slow slide into an eating disorder. Also in our culture today it’s really difficult to know what a healthy diet or a healthy relationship with food even looks like. Everywhere on Social Media and even in Nutrition research there are conflicting messages about how much to eat, what to eat, and when. So here are a few ways to tell if you really do have an Eating Disorder. Your weight is objectively too low or too high for your height This is a bit of a controversial statement, and I want to preface it with this: someone can absolutely have an Eating Disorder with a “healthy” weight for their height and body type. But just as a starting point, let’s look at your weight. The criteria for Anorexia Nervosa starts with someone’s weight. If your BMI is under-weight, then you are not eating enough for your body’s needs, and may have an eating disorder. On the other hand, if you weight is too high that your BMI is in the Overweight or Obese range, then it’s possible that your relationship with food may also be unbalanced, in that you are eating too much. Binge Eating Disorder is a Disorder where people Binge-eat (systematic over-eating) and feel that they are out of control with food. They know that they are eating too much in one sitting (usually in secret and feel shame an/or guilt about it), and they feel that they cannot stop themselves. This usually leads to weight gain, and this is reflected in BMI. If you’d like to calculate your own BMI, you can use the calculator here at the National Institute of Health website. You are overly anxious or scared about gaining weight One of the hallmark features of an Eating Disorder is an irrational fear of gaining weight. This fear is not necessarily related ro your weight. You can be a healthy weight or under-weight and the fear it still there. It usually manifests in Magical Thinking or irrational beliefs about food and weight. Here are some examples that I’ve heard often from my clients: I can’t drink water because it will make me gain weight I know my doctor says I need to eat around 2,000 calories per day, but I don’t trust her and she’s trying to make me fat I can be perfectly healthy on 1,000 calories a day or less I can’t touch an oily food because the calories will ‘sink in’ and I will gain weight If I start eating I won’t be able to stop and will gain weight Eating that 200-calorie bagel will certainly make me gain 5 pounds These are just a few of the irrational beliefs that I’ve heard. You might have stumbled upon your own. The thing to pay attention to is the intense fear and anxiety around weight that isn’t driven by a desire for overall health, but is about weight itself. If food was a person in your life, your relationship with that person would be toxic A good way to tell if you are moving into Disordered Eating is to imagine that food is a person that you have a relationship with, like a friend. Then describe that relationship. Is it kind, supportive, easy and peaceful? Or is it toxic, harsh, obsessive and co-dependent? Do you structure your entire day around food? Does it feel like food is a voice in your head that’s abusive? Telling you you’re weak or not good enough? If your relationship with food is toxic, this is a problem and you deserve better. Food is both a tool for health and energy to support your life, and also something to enjoy and connect with others around. Once it starts to become an obsession, or a way to punish/reward yourself, you are moving into unhealthy territory. If you are curious about your own relationship with food, or if anything in this article struck a chord with you, you can always call Thrive Counseling for a free consultation to get an expert opinion. You can also check out our Eating Disorder Therapy page.