Erin Carpenter, Author at Thrive Counseling

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Why Discipline is More Important than Motivation

Most of our clients here at Thrive Counseling have certain goals that their therapist helps them with. Common goals we see are: Improve relationships Stop feeling depressed or anxious Find a career direction Be more financially stable Get anger under control Learn from a break-up how to be a better partner Understand and stop impulsive, self-defeating behaviors In addition, most of the clients that I see also think they need to have motivation in order to work on any of these goals. I hear things like this all the time: Once I get motivated, then I know I can exercise regularly. If I could only find out how to motivate myself, then I could be better. I’ve lost my motivation and I don’t know how to get it back The Truth about Motivation Here’s the thing about motivation: it’s a feeling. Like an emotion, we experience it for a time and then it passes. It’s a pleasant feeling for sure, I love feeling motivated. I find it uplifting and energizing. However, just like any feeling or emotion, I don’t have any direct control over it. I can’t make it stay or make it go. I can’t make it more intense or less intense. I can’t conjure it when I think it would serve me. It’s true that when I have the happy circumstance of experiencing this feeling of motivation, I tend to find it easier to do things that I normally find difficult (like getting in a workout after a long day at the office, or snacking on carrots rather than cheetos). But it’s not a necessary component to do any of these things. If I really had to, I could work out even if I don’t feel motivation. My body can exercise when I feel sad, or lonely, or angry, or any number of emotions that come and go through our awareness every single day. Learning to Separate Emotions from Behaviors So here’s the trick to get around motivation; we need to stop thinking of it as the essential ingredient to do difficult things, and instead put it in it’s rightful place of something that’s a nice extra, but not the starting point. Experiencing motivation before we do a behavior (or while doing it) is like icing on the cake; it’s really lovely and it should be savored, but don’t get overly attached to it. And certainly don’t expect it or wait around for it. That’s a waste of time and energy simply because we don’t control it (it would be nice if we could, but we just can’t). If we can separate our feelings from our behaviors, we give ourselves a lot more room to act. If I give myself permission to feel anything under the sun while I do a behavior that I value (say, exercising), then I free myself up. If I wait around until I feel like exercising, I’m no longer in control (and I could be waiting a really long time). Sometimes I coach myself through this with an inner monologue something like this: I value my health. I’m choosing to do some exercise right now. Even if I hate every single minute of it, or feel angry about it, I know that my muscles and my heart and lungs don’t know or care what I’m feeling on a moment-to-moment basis. I wish I felt motivated or uplifted, but I just don’t right now, and that’s ok. Here’s Where Discipline Comes In We can think about the opposite of motivate as discipline. Discipline doesn’t mean you’re in trouble or get a punishment, not in this sense. Discipline is the ongoing practice of acting in accordance to a rule or a set of standards. The only “rule” that matters here is the one you assign yourself. Discipline is the thing that happens when you expend some effort (both physical and mental) to do a thing that in that moment, you don’t feel like doing. Everyone has discipline for certain things. People usually don’t feel like getting out of bed with their alarm every single morning; but they usually do. That little bit of effort that you use on those days that you’re rather sleep in, but instead you get up to go to work, that’s discipline. Discipline doesn’t need to be extreme or self-punishing; it’s just the choices that you make every day. The beauty of using discipline to reach goals rather than motivation is discipline is something you can control (unlike a feeling like motivation). Discipline doesn’t really take into account your thoughts or feelings. They are important, of course, but it’s your actions that move you towards your goals, not just your thoughts and feelings. Getting Started with Discipline When you’re getting started with discipline, it’s okay to start small. Set a small and achievable goal and be flexibile with yourself. What you’re looking for is to locate how it feels to let go of your immediate feelings and take a action that you value. Some clients say it’s like pushing through a stubborn door, or expending some mental effort, or the proverbial “taking it one step at a time.” It’s okay if you’re not perfect with your goal; the key is to be curious about this new way of doing things, and observe what comes up. Here’s some good self-reflection questions: Do you find yourself wishing you had different thoughts and feelings when you do this behavior? Do you find your feelings shift and change as you do this behavior? Why is this behavior important to you? Does the effort to do this behavior change day-to-day? There are not wrong answers, these are just questions to get you curious about your experience.

How the High Rents in Denver Affect your Mental Health

Millennials have been recently dubbed ‘Generation Rent’, due to the price of housing far outstripped both inflation and wage growth. Most young adults can’t afford to buy their own place (even if they wanted to), and so are ‘stuck’ renting a house or apartment. Rents in Denver are high; that’s not a surprise to anyone who has apartment-hunted recently. A recent report showed that between 2010 and 2017 average rents in Denver shot up an astronomical 48 percent. The median rent in Denver for a one-bedroom apartment is now almost $1,400. Although there are positive to renting, such as flexibility in moving and not having to worry about fixing your own leaking faucet, when rents keep rising it can have an effect on your mental health. How? Frequent Moves lead to More Stress When you’re renting, especially in Denver where rent hikes force more moving than average, it’s hard to find a sense of stability and community. Moving itself is stressful and expensive, and keeps people from investing in their homes and making their space their own. In an ideal world, your home is your safe space; a place to de-stress after a long day at work. But many renters feel that their space is not really ‘theirs’ and don’t make changes to it to make it a more calming space, like painting the walls or buying a new bathtub to soak in. Additionally, having a sense of community and knowing your neighbors is generally good for your mental health. If you’re moving around a lot, it’s very hard to develop that sense of community and have neighbors that you can count on to borrow a cup of sugar or watch your car while you’re away. In fact, a study recently found that, compared to homeowners, young renters are more likely to experience loneliness and mental health issues. Money Stress Impacts Mental Health Housing is, by far, most people’s largest expense. In pricey areas like Denver, housing far outpaces other bills. It’s well-known that experiencing financial insecurity leads to increased anxiety, depression, and a general feeling of being ‘left behind’ by peers who appear more financially stable. Even among Denver renters who can pay the bills, knowing that an emergency might cause a problem with making rent leads to increased stress. Add to that the fact that renters face the unknown more than homeowners; they don’t know what the rent will be next year. It’s been rising for over a decade, so it’s just a matter of “how much more will it be next year?” and “can I afford that or do I need to move again?” Leaving Support Networks Leads to Isolation and Loneliness When renters have to move, they inevitably leave behind the built-in social networks and support systems that they cultivated in their old hoods. Having friends and family nearby is protective of mental health. Even knowing your favorite cafes and spots for take-out is comforting. Moving away from all of that due to rising rents can feel very isolating and de-stabilizing. Feeling Like you Can’t Reach Life Goals Housing costs, and the instability of renting, can have an impact on people’s life choices; even large life choices. Housing costs is affecting how people weigh whether to enroll in graduate school and whether (or when) they have children. Even smaller life goals, such has having a space for woodworking, hosting large dinner parties for friends, or mowing your own yard, can feel very far away when housing costs are so high and people feel stuck renting a home they don’t love. In Denver, it’s easy for young adults to feel like they can’t ‘grow up’ and make informed decisions about their life, career, and family until they feel rooted in their own home.

The Mental Health Issue that is hitting Millennials the Hardest

There’s a lot of worrying about Millennials in the media. People worry about Millennials’ job prospects, their student debt, and on and on. Maybe there’s some mirroring going on here, because it turns out that the mental health issue that is hitting Millennials the hardest is Anxiety. Compared to older and younger generations, Millennials have the highest rates of Anxiety Disorders. According to the American Psychological Association, 12% of Millennials (aged 18-34) have been diagnosed at some point with an official Anxiety Disorder. That’s almost twice the rate of Baby Boomers. Other studies have found that 30 percent of working millennials are classified with general anxiety, and a 2014 American College Health Association (ACHA) assessment found that 61 percent of college students experience frequent anxiety. With such staggering numbers, millennials undoubtedly experience a great deal of stress, and subsequently, difficulty properly managing it. What might be hitting this age group particularly hard that leads to clinical levels of anxiety? Some ideas from Journalists at Huffington Post include: Unprecedented levels of Student Loan Debt A Difficult Job Market Growing up steeped in Social Media Creep of Work Hours so that you feel you always have to be ‘on’ and responsive to work tasks Poor Sleep Habits Worry about the future in the midst of historical high costs for housing and healthcare Aging Parents Here at Thrive Counseling in Denver, we hear about anxiety all the time. Some recent quotes from our Millennial clients about their anxiety are: “I feel like I can never get ahead at work. I feel like I’m always treated like ‘the kid’ and some older workers that could retire aren’t, so there’s no where to move up my company’s ladder” “It’s so hard to find a partner. I want to date but dating apps make me feel so inadequate and there’s constant rejection and just shallow conversation. I don’t really know how else to meet people.” “I’m trying to get my footing in the world, but my parents are having some health problems and need lots of help. I feel pressured to move back home to be close to them, but that’s not where I really want to be.” So, how do Millennials tend to manage stress and anxiety? They Talk Openly About It Compared to older generations, Millennials (and younger) tend to not carry a big stigma around mental health issues, including anxiety. As a result, they are much more likely to open up about their own stresses and anxieties with friend, family, and even online communities. It’s relatively easy for this age group to find peers or role models that talk about these issues without shame or embarrassment, and that’s a great trend for everyone’s mental health. They Seek Professional Help Millennials are much more likely than older generations to seek out professional help for mental health issues. Because of the reduced stigma and easier access to Therapists, Doctors, and Psychiatrists, Millennials know where to turn to for help and can find professionals in their area. Therapy used to be something you could only find in large cities, and usually there were only a handful of Therapists or Psychiatrists that worked outside hospitals and institutions. Not any more. Therapists are in every community and are easy to get in to see. Millennials know when to call in the big guns when it comes to their own well-being. They Focus on Overall Health and Wellness In a really positive trend, Millennials seem to be overall healthier than previous generations. They are focused on wellness in general; in mind, body and spirit. Millennials embrace healthy eating, yoga and exercise, and seek ways to cultivate their spiritual well-being. Unhealthy behaviors like smoking and drinking are at record lows among young people. Millennials are the age group most interested in fresh and healthy foods. All of this adds up to a lifestyle that combats stress and anxiety. Often in counseling and therapy we touch on lifestyle changes like these to improve mental health in general, and specifically target anxiety.

What’s A Normal Level of Anxiety and When Is It a Problem?

Anxiety is a normal, common human emotion that everyone feels at some point or another. It’s normal to feel nervous or anxious when faced with certain situations. Common examples are public speaking, a mysterious meeting with your boss, meeting a new roommate, or going on a first date. It’s also normal and healthy to feel anxious in situations that are perceived as unsafe or a little risky. I always feel a little rush of anxiety on a ski lift, even though I’ve been snowboarding for years and know how to get off the lift without falling. A friend of mind always feels a bit nervous flying on airplanes, even though she does it a lot and has never had a bad experience on an airplane. Anxiety is an emotion that serves an important purpose. When our brains sense a possible danger in our environment (even if it’s one we imagine in our mind’s eye), we experience a feeling of anxiety that triggers a cascade of bodily functions that are meant to get us to pay closer attention to what comes next, and be ready to respond to anything. So during a feeling of anxiety, you may notice your heart rate increases (to pump more blood to your muscles in case you need to move quickly and your pupils dilate (to see a bit better and respond to movement in your field of vision). So anxiety is not bad; it’s a good thing that’s developed over a long time to keep you safe. But when does a ‘normal’ experience of anxiety morph into a problem or a possible Anxiety Disorder? A normal experience of anxiety has 3 parts: -The anxiety is short-lived -The anxiety correlates well to the situation that triggered it -The anxiety doesn’t stop you from living your life With a normal level of anxiety, it comes and goes and doesn’t seem to last all day long. Also, the anxiety that you feel will ‘fit’ with the situation and will pass once that situation is over or once you feel more comfortable. For example, you may feel anxiety right before you give a big presentation at work, but feel calm after it’s over or once you get going with the presentation and feel more comfortable. And finally, the anxiety does not stop you from fully engaging with your life, both professionally and personally. By contrast, a clinical level of anxiety or a full-blown Anxiety Disorder has these features: -The anxiety is long-lasting or seems always present -The anxiety does not correlate to a specific situation -The anxiety gets in the way of personal and professional goals and tasks Anxiety disorders are relatively common, affecting about 18% of the adult population in the US. The most common feature that our clients describe about their anxiety is that it’s an ever-present kind of shadow of their lives. Over time, it can encroach more and more on your day-to-day life. For example, anxiety might stop you from doing an important work presentation or interviewing for a new job. It may lessen your social life or make it difficult to hang out with friends. If you feel your anxiety has progressed past a normal level and into more of a problem, reach out to Contact Us and get a free consultation. Working with a counselor to reduce your anxiety will help you feel calmer and more at peace on a daily basis.

How to Find a Good Therapist

Our friends over at Therapy Den recently wrote a great post about how to find a good therapist. Check it out and be persistent util you find the right therapist for you!

Four Sneaky Signs of Depression

4 sneaky signs of depression you might be overlooking Depression is a very common mental health issue. At any given time, estimates are that 5-6% of adults in the US have Depression or are in a Depressive Episode (which is a period of time that someone experiences Depression). The traditional and most obvious signs of depression are pretty well known, and those include: Feeling sad most of the day Crying spells Feeling ‘down’ and hopeless Suicidal thoughts (sometimes, some people do not experience this in Depression) But there are some other signs of Depression that are easy to miss, and may fly under-the-radar. Feeling ‘Slowed Down’ both Physically and Mentally A feeling of being ‘slowed down’ is really common for people experiencing Depression. Clients often say that they feel like are moving in slow motion, or feel like they are stuck in quicksand. It’s not only physical, but mental too. When you’re in a period of Depression, it feels like your brain is also slowed down. It’s common to feel not as ‘sharp’ as usual, or have difficulty remembering things. In cases of severe Depression, others might notice that ever your speech is a little slowed down. Sometimes it’s referred to as “brain fog” or people feel that they are perpetually in a haze. The good news is that, as Depression is treated, these symptoms go away and you begin to think and feel more like your normal self. Sleeping Too Much Sleep in great, and often we don’t get enough of it. But when in a Depressive episode, one sneaky sign is sleeping too much. This means sleeping much more than you usually would. If you notice yourself sleeping more, or taking naps when you never did before, it could be a sign of Depression. If you’re not sure whether your sleep is a sign of Depression, here are some helpful things to do: Keep a Sleep Log so you can notice trends in your sleep Evaluate your diet to make sure you are eating enough and eating well to give yourself energy; tiredness could be due to a poor diet Keep an alarm and get out of bed at the same time each day, to get your body into a healthy sleeping rhythm Consider cutting out alcohol for a few weeks to see if your sleep improves; alcohol can cause sleepiness and disrupt natural sleep patterns. If you do all these things and still are over-sleeping, get an evaluation by a therapist for Depression. Not Enjoying Things Anymore A very common sign of depression that is sometimes hard detect is call anhedonia. That’s the clinical term for losing interest and pleasure in every day activities. It’s a kind of grayness that settles over your whole life. Things you used to enjoy like your favorite foods, spending time with friends, activities and hobbies, even sex, just seem kind of ‘blah.’ You feel like you would take it or leave it. Researchers believe that a Depressed brain is not responding in the normal way to pleasurable stimuli. It’s a terrible feeling, to be in your life and simply not enjoying anything. The insidious thing about anhedonia is that is creates a vicious cycle in the Depressed person. Since you aren’t’ enjoying these things, you’re less likely to do them (which makes sense). But a result is that people in the grips of Depression begin to retreat from the world and from their lives. They lose friendships and lose touch with activities and hobbies that they used to care about. You get farther and farther from ‘who I am’ and Depression can become a kind of identity. This symptom does vastly improve with Depression treatment, and people re-enter their lives and do things again. But this sign is often overlooked. If you’re finding yourself feeling very ‘blah’ about your life, be curious about that and talk to a therapist about these feelings. Poor Attention Span Similar to the ‘slowed down’ feeling in your brain with depression, another cognitive effect is having a poor attention span. Depression affects the parts of your brain that control what’s called ‘executive functions.’ The executive functions of the brain are things like organizing information, prioritizing tasks, creating an order for doing things, and paying attention to important stimuli. For reasons that researchers don’t quite understand, these executive functions take a big hit during a Depressive episode. The one that’s easiest to ‘see’ on the outside is attention. We can all get distracted, and we live in an environment where is it very hard to concentrate. But if Depression is present, you may notice your attention space take a dive. It’s harder to complete tasks at work, or watch a movie, or even have a conversation without getting distracted or losing the thread of the plot or the conversation. If any of these sneaky Depression signs are creeping up on you, pay attention and check in with yourself. You may want to get an evaluate for clinical Depression. Depression is very treatable, and the sooner you catch it the easier it is to get back to being yourself. Contact Us anytime for a free consultation.

In Denver and Colorado, the Suicide Rate is One of the Highest in the US

It’s been a building trend, but it’s definitely here. Colorado and Denver residents are not happy that we’re among the leaders in the nation for suicide. Overall, the Mountain States lead the entire country in suicide. According to the Colorado Health Institute, Colorado’s suicide rate reached an all-time high in 2016, and it hasn’t retreated much since then. In 2016 a record 1,156 people died tragically to suicide. Suicide is most common in the age group of 24-55 year-olds, and men are twice as likely to die by suicide as women are (although there is evidence that women feel suicidal at the same rate as men, and are just as likely to make an attempt or a gesture at suicide). What is really alarming is that the leading cause of death for Coloradans aged 10 to 24 is suicide. That’s right, suicide beats out illness and accidents as the leading cause of death. Colorado has the ninth-highest suicide rate in the entire country, coming in at 20.5 suicides per 100,000 residents. And how does Denver and the surrounding area stack up the with rest of the state? It’s about in the middle. The suicide rate for Denver county and the surrounding metro area ranges from 16.8-17.5 deaths per 100,000 residents. By contrast, the highest suicide rate is Mesa County, with 34.7 suicides per 100,000 residents. The Eastern part of the state and the Mountain counties like Eagle and Pitkin have a lower suicide rate than Denver. In our counseling office, clients speak openly about thoughts of suicide, and what is means to them. One very common factor in people that attempt suicide is that they feel incredibly alone and isolated. Many are scared to tell loved ones that they feel this way. They often feel embarrassed or ashamed of their feelings and thoughts, even though it’s very common to go through a period in your life of entertaining the thought of suicide, especially if you are dealing with depression, anxiety, loss or hopelessness. In counseling, often clients are able to open up for the first time about these thoughts and feelings, get real help, and move past these thoughts towards hope and feeling invested in their lives again. It’s amazing how just saying the words out loud of what you really think and feel can take away the loneliness, hopelessness, and shame of feeling suicidal. Since suicide is such an issue in Denver and Colorado, there are resources for anyone to access (counseling, hotlines, walk-in clinics, and other resources). Even if you feel like you might not be in a crisis, reaching out for help before you are in an emergency is important, and people are standing by to help. Here’s some resources for the Denver Area: If you are in crisis, call the Colorado Crisis & Support Line at 1-844-493-TALK (8255) to connect with a trained counselor in your area. Or reach the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The service is available to anyone. All calls are confidential. There are Walk-In clinics scattered throughout the Denver Metro Area that are open 24/7 if you want to talk to someone in person. Find them at www.coloradocrisisservices.org. And as always, you can Contact Us here at Thrive Counseling. We’re here to listen.

It’s Hard To Make Friends After College: Here’s How

Let’s face it: It’s really hard to make friends after college I remember making insta-friends in High School and College. It seemed so easy back then, didn’t it? You were thrown together with people your own age with generally few time commitments. You serendipitously run into your friends on campus, in classrooms, or at parties. It really seemed like everyone was in the same boat and was so relatable. Then you graduate and it gets so much harder to make (and keep) deep and satisfying friendships. Why is that and what can we do about it? “I’m just so busy right now!” One reason that it’s more difficult to make new friends and keep old ones is simply a fact of time (and its corollary, energy). It’s often a difficult transition to make the jump from a full-time student to a full-time worker; throw in a commute and possibly long hours as you begin to climb the corporate ladder and it’s even more of a wake-up call. Everyone you know would really love to hang out, but is just so busy. Creating time for friends takes effort and intention, and there no boss telling you to do it, so often it fades into the background. In addition, everyone needs some time to decompress from work and for the introverts of the world they want to do this alone. This is critical “me time” for mental health and self-care, but it does cut into would-be friend time. Life moves us in different directions As everyone grows older, their paths diverge in many different ways. People take different career paths, move to different cities and towns, get married, and have children (or not). All of this is healthy, and a part of making your own life. However, these paths may take you further away from old friends and make it more difficult to meet people that didn’t take the same path you did. “Growing apart” is a cliché in romantic relationships, but it’s a true one and it applies to friendships as well. With different life paths comes different experiences and oftentimes different worldviews, priorities, and preferences. If you feel you can’t relate to your friend anymore (and they to you), it’s difficult to put the effort into staying close and staying in touch. It’s vulnerable and awkward to meet new people Making a new friend is hard. One some level, you are saying to a new person “let’s hang out.” Since spontaneous interaction is harder to come by (people no longer just show up to the same parties weekend after weekend), you have to make a plan to meet up with someone. It can be uncomfortable and awkward to do so, because our culture tells us that we should magically be surrounded by friends at all times, and if we’re lonely for feel left out it’s because we did something wrong. On social media, people post most often that they are with other people, rather than alone. So it’s easy to feel like everyone has friends except for you. Matchmaking for Two Once people couple up, it can get even more difficult. You really want the respective boyfriends or girlfriends to get along, and sometime they just don’t hit it off. Making “couple friends” is even more tricky than making new friends in general. So if you’re significant other doesn’t hit it off with your new friend’s significant other, don’t sweat it. Make it a point to hang out one-on-one with our new pal. Getting Pickier As we get older, our priorities begin to shift away from novelty-seeking to towards security and stability. This differs from person to person, but overall, studies show that this gradual shift begins to happen in the late 20s. We tend to seek stability and enjoy security more and more, and we seek this out in our careers, where we live, who we date, and also who we cultivate as friends. All of this means that as we get older, we tend to get pickier about friends. New friends have a higher standard for us, and we tend to “prune” existing friendships; we tend to let fade away those friendships that aren’t as fulfilling to us. So, how do you make friends after college? Given that it’s more difficult to make friends after college, havng a few new strategies under your belt can help you find your new tribe Get involved in the activities your love-with others There’s meetup groups for every interest under the sun. If you’re into politics or activism, seek out your local political party chapter. Join a sports league is you love sports, a trivia league if you love arcane knowledge, join a homebrewing class if you’re into beer. You get the idea. If get yourself out there to participate in activities, at least you know that others are into that thing too, and you can go from there to create a new friendship. Don’t let your ego get in the way If you’re in a new city, or just looking to meet new friends, don’t feel ashamed of that and say so to others. It can feel awkward, but it’s ok to lead with some vulnerability here and state that you’re looking to meet new friends. Here’s a sample script you can use: I’m new in town and love soccer, so I joined this soccer league. Honestly, I’m looking for new friends to hang out with and I know this sounds kind of awkward, but would you like to grab a beer sometime with me? It’s okay to compartmentalize In High School and College, it’s normal to do everything with your friends. But as we all get older, have divergent interests and limited time, it’s ok for have friends for specific purposes or activities. You might have the friend you discuss books with, friends you go camping with, your co-worker friends for happy hour, and a workout friend. You’re not type-casting, your seeing how you connect with certain friends and

Why Do People Cut Themselves?

What is Cutting and Self-Harm? Cutting, also called Self-Harm or Self-mutilation, is a relatively common behavior. There are many different kinds of Self-Harm: -cutting yourself with a knife or razor -Burning yourself with a lighter or match -Hitting yourself -Pulling your hair Any kind of behavior that causes yourself physical pain can be a kind of self-harm. Self-harm can be ritualistic, when someone does the same self-harm over and over like a daily habit. More often, self-harm is a response to a particular kind of stressor in your life. Who Do People Cut Themselves? Many of my clients who engage in self-harm describe the calming effect of the cutting. They say that the pain and the physical sensations of self-harm are calming, centering, or allow them to focus in a moment when they are in intense emotional pain, confusion, or internal chaos. One client who self-harms explains it this way: I first stumbled upon self-harm because I saw someone do it in a movie. When I first saw that, I thought ‘Why would anyone do that? That looks painful.’ But in a moment when I was reeling and in so much emotional pain, I punched the wall in a moment of anger, and the pain in my hand actually calmed me down. Instead of being overwhelmed by my own feelings, the only thing I could feel was the throbbing in my hand, and it felt good to be so focused on one thing. From there, I went to cutting my arm and although it hurts, it somehow helped me manage my own emotions. Although it’s counter-intuitive, cutting or self-harm is actually a coping tool. People trade emotional pain for physical pain. Some people also use self-harm as a form of self-punishment to relieve feelings of guilt, shame, and low self-worth. When someone feels badly about themselves, it can actually feel ‘right’ or correct to cause yourself pain. Do people cut themselves for attention? Although it can seem like an attention-grabbing technique, most people who self-harm do not do it for attention and never intend for their loved ones or friends to find out that they self-harm. People will hide their scars and wounds carefully, and often feel ashamed that they have fallen into this negative habit, but feel unable to stop. It’s a deeply personal thing for most. However, self-harm can be a cry for help, or a way to manifest emotional pain in a physical way, and to show to themselves and others that they suffer in ways that are hard to articulate. Most people who self-harm feel deeply alone and may believe that others can’t understand them or help them. What do I do if I find out my friend or loved one cuts themselves? If you find out someone you care about is self-harming, it’s important to express your caring and concern for that person. It’s helpful to focus on their emotional pain, rather than the cutting itself. Although it’s a very worrisome behavior, it’s a symptom of a deeper issue. Often, there is an underlying issue with psychological Trauma, Depression and Anxiety. You can say: I saw that you engage in self-harm. That must be very difficult for you. I bet there’s a lot of emotional pain tied up in that. I want you to know that I care about you and I’m here for you. I know you don’t do that to hurt anyone, but it pains me to see you in so much pain. Do you think the next time you feel like cutting yourself, you can call me and talk? How can I stop cutting when I’m upset? Be prepared for the fact that it can be difficult to stop self-harm. To stop, you need to find alternative coping tools and get the treatment that you may need for an underlying issue. The cutting or self-harm doesn’t mean you’re ‘crazy’ or broken, or that you actually want to hurt yourself. If you self-harm, it’s because it’s helping you cope. It’s not the best coping tool, but it may be the best one that you’ve had in the past to get through difficult moments. Counseling can be helpful in treating an underlying mental health issue and create a space to learn about positive coping tools. If you’d like a free consultation, contact us and we’d love to listen.

Men Get Therapy Too

It’s true, men get therapy too. Thrive Counseling has been helping folks in Denver since 2013, and we have seen the share of our clients that are men rise over the years. Men struggle with many issues just as much as women do (in some cases, even more so). But we know that Men have more barriers to feeling better than women do. Men Face More Stigma Than Women for Mental Health Issues In our culture, men are often given the message to “just suck it up.” Either explicitly or implicitly, men are told that their emotions either don’t matter or shouldn’t be there in the first place. They are told to keep them inside and what you do, don’t let anyone know that you’re hurt, angry, insecure, or depressed. This stigma can be a barrier for men to reach out for help and support when they are struggling. We know in our practice that when men call for a free consultation, they are overcoming stigma and the judgement of others to simply begin to feel better. Men’s Friendships Tend to be Less Open than Women’s Friendships I’ve heard from many of our male clients that it’s harder for them to lean on their friends when they are feeling down, feeling anxious, or feeling stuck. They say that they feel close to their friends, but there is not a sense of safety to bed vulnerable and they worry their friends will think they are “weird” or not be able to support them. In our culture, women are socialized to bond around emotional connection and support. Women often tell their friends intimate details of their inner lives; their struggles as well as their triumphs. Unfortunately men are getting the short end of the stick when it comes to friendships. Men are socialized to bond around shared interests and activities, not necessarily around conversation and open sharing. So when men really want a friend to know they are struggling, or want to know if their friends have gone through something difficult that they can connect to, it’s harder and more awkward to bring it up or talk about it. Luckily, this is changing. Men are feeling more open to be vulnerable with one another and even public figures are opening up about things like depression and anxiety (such as The Rock on his struggle Depression, and David Beckham on his struggle with anxiety and phobias). How to Feel Better as a Man First, it’s helpful to remember that the myth about men being unemotional is just plain wrong. Secondly, you are not alone. Men struggle just as much as women do, and in some ways women are set up with more social support than men are. It’s up to you to redefine masculinity and treat yourself as if you matter. If you need help, get it. If you want to open up to a friend, do it, and your true friends will rally around you. If you’d like a no-pressure way to begin feeling better, you can contact us for a free consultation. You can get expert advice about your pressing issue right away.

Why Your Brain Hates Multitasking

When is the last time you did one thing. Only one thing. You just washed the dishes, or had a long dinner with a friend (without checking your phone), or read an entire blog post (without skimming it)? We are all distracted. The world has become full of distractions and therefore, the temptation to multitask beckons. At work people have multiple tabs up in their browser, or even multiple screens. Check a email here. Flick on over the Facebook there. Feel a buzz from your phone (or think that you do), so you check that too. It’s interesting that we live in a time where multitasking is a given and we are bombarded by distractions, while at the same time there is a deep cultural thirst for focus and concentration. Maybe this is the backlash against Social Media and increasing claims on our free time from employers (always available, always ‘on call’). Minimalism, Simple Living, Down-Sizing, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. These things hold our attention and our aspirations, why? The simple reason is this: your brain hates multitasking. Here’s why: Use It Or Lose It- Your ‘Focus Muscle’ Your brain can do this amazing trick: while constantly taking in stimuli from the outside world, it can also exercise a specific neural circuit that allows you to focus on one thing at a time. This ‘focus circuit’, like every circuit in your brain, acts like a muscle in that the more you use it, the stronger it gets. Conversely, if you don’t use it, it gets weak and it becomes harder and harder to focus when you need to. Focus Leads to Calm, Clear Thinking When I work with clients who could use more calm, more peace, and more groundedness in their lives, this is exactly where I go. Your ability to focus is your path to being calm and to clear thinking. When you are trying to calm your mind, work out a difficult problem, or communicate clearly you need to focus on what you are doing. Being distracted leads to racing thoughts and difficulty being really heard and seen by others. Multitasking Isn’t Really a Thing Anyway We think of multitasking as doing two task simultaneously-like answering emails and working on a spreadsheet. Although we think of it this way, our brain actually can’t do two cognitive tasks (thinking tasks) at once. We can walk and chew gum at the same time, but we can’t compose an email while doing a math problem. What is actually happening is that your brain with switching between two tasks very quickly. You are asking it to attend to one thing, then another, then back to the first, etc. It’s like a ping-pong game. Anything Left Unfinished Becomes a Distraction The thing about switch between two tasks is it leads to something called ‘attention residue’ in your brain. Whenever a task is left unfinished, your brain keeps thinking about it, even when you want to focus on something else. For example, if I open an email and read it, but make a split decision to open a new tab and check out Facebook instead. Although I’m trying to focus on my Facebook feed, there is a little part of my brain that is thinking about that email and trying to compose a response. A researcher from the University of Minnesota puts it this way: “People need to stop thinking about one task in order to fully transition their attention and perform well on another. Yet, results indicate it is difficult for people to transition their attention away from an unfinished task, and their subsequent task performance suffers.” In fact, research shows that multitasking can lead to a 40 percent decline in productivity. How to Stop Multitasking and Start Single-Tasking To stop the ping-pong game in your brain and strengthen you focus muscle, you need to stop multitasking and get comfortable again focusing on one task at a time. Here are some idea to limit distractions and do some deep work: Turn off your phone (yes, really) Turn off all the notification from Apps on your phone Give yourself permission to focus on one thing, remind yourself that you will be more productive if you do Batch some work tasks together (for example, set aside an hour at the end of the workday to read and respond to email, don’t check it every ten minutes throughout the day) Practice Mindfulness. Mindfulness is the practice of deeply being aware of the world and observing without judgement Consider putting an auto-away message on your email or phone for scheduled times you would like to do deep concentrated work, or when you want to set aside time for family or recreation. Let go of the instant gratification that multitasking can give, and instead cultivate a pleasure in tackling a difficult task

The Longest-Running Study on Well-Being Confirms that All You Need is Love

The longest-running study of human well-being and happiness is the Harvard Grant Study. The study began in 1939 with a group of 268 male undergrads. Researchers have been following them ever since, asking them questions about their lives and interviewing them to find out how they grow and develop in their lives. The study itself is fascinating, and among its many insights are nuggest of wisdom about the true nature of human happiness. So, what really makes us happy in the long-term? In short, connection. Relationships are what really matter. Relationships with friends, family, and your romantic partner. Here’s what the study shows about relationships: Depth is more important than quantity The study finds that connection is all about depth, not about the amount of relationships you have that lead to happiness and well-being. You can have just a few close relationships and be really happy. In fact, it’s somewhat better to have a few high-quality relationships than a lot of shallow ones. So what makes for a high-quality relationship? Depth, in this sense, is defined by your openness with friends, family, and partner. How vulnerable and authentic you can be with each other. If you can open up to people and be who you truly are, those are the relationships that are most highly correlated with happiness in the long-run. Money and Power-although nice in the short-term-Do Not Lead to Greater Happiness This is something that we all know intuitively. Money and Power are highly valued in our culture (and pushed by marketing to make you think having nicer things will lead to happiness), but it just ain’t so. Other studies confirm that, beyond a certain income level, more money does not lead to greater levels of happiness. In the Harvard study, when these men reflect on their lives, they value relationships more highly than money, power, or social class. Researchers did note that it was important to be content at your work, but it was not important that you had the highest-level work or were the CEO of the company. Life’s Hardships can actually Lead to Happiness-If you can work through them with healing relatinoships. To quote from one man in the study: Before there were dysfunctional families, I came from one. My professional life hasn’t been disappointing—far from it—but the truly gratifying unfolding has been into the person I’ve slowly become: comfortable, joyful, connected, and effective. Since it wasn’t widely available then, I hadn’t read that children’s classic, The Velveteen Rabbit, which tells how connectedness is something we must let happen to us, and then we become solid and whole. As that tale recounts tenderly, only love can make us real. Denied this in boyhood for reasons I now understand, it took me years to tap substitute sources. What seems marvelous is how many there are and how restorative they prove. What durable and pliable creatures we are, and what a storehouse of goodwill lurks in the social fabric. . . I never dreamed my later years would be so stimulating and rewarding. The takeaway? Love can heal. Relationships can heal if they are supportive. Although friends and family are preeminent, a therapist can also provide a healing relationship. Contact us today for a free consultation if you want to talk to someone and increase the happiness in your own life.