Let’s face it: It’s really hard to make friends after college
I remember making insta-friends in High School and College. It seemed so easy back then, didn’t it? You were thrown together with people your own age with generally few time commitments. You serendipitously run into your friends on campus, in classrooms, or at parties. It really seemed like everyone was in the same boat and was so relatable. Then you graduate and it gets so much harder to make (and keep) deep and satisfying friendships. Why is that and what can we do about it?
“I’m just so busy right now!”
One reason that it’s more difficult to make new friends and keep old ones is simply a fact of time (and its corollary, energy). It’s often a difficult transition to make the jump from a full-time student to a full-time worker; throw in a commute and possibly long hours as you begin to climb the corporate ladder and it’s even more of a wake-up call. Everyone you know would really love to hang out, but is just so busy.
Creating time for friends takes effort and intention, and there no boss telling you to do it, so often it fades into the background. In addition, everyone needs some time to decompress from work and for the introverts of the world they want to do this alone. This is critical “me time” for mental health and self-care, but it does cut into would-be friend time.
Life moves us in different directions
As everyone grows older, their paths diverge in many different ways. People take different career paths, move to different cities and towns, get married, and have children (or not). All of this is healthy, and a part of making your own life. However, these paths may take you further away from old friends and make it more difficult to meet people that didn’t take the same path you did.
“Growing apart” is a cliché in romantic relationships, but it’s a true one and it applies to friendships as well. With different life paths comes different experiences and oftentimes different worldviews, priorities, and preferences. If you feel you can’t relate to your friend anymore (and they to you), it’s difficult to put the effort into staying close and staying in touch.
It’s vulnerable and awkward to meet new people
Making a new friend is hard. One some level, you are saying to a new person “let’s hang out.” Since spontaneous interaction is harder to come by (people no longer just show up to the same parties weekend after weekend), you have to make a plan to meet up with someone.
It can be uncomfortable and awkward to do so, because our culture tells us that we should magically be surrounded by friends at all times, and if we’re lonely for feel left out it’s because we did something wrong. On social media, people post most often that they are with other people, rather than alone. So it’s easy to feel like everyone has friends except for you.
Matchmaking for Two
Once people couple up, it can get even more difficult. You really want the respective boyfriends or girlfriends to get along, and sometime they just don’t hit it off. Making “couple friends” is even more tricky than making new friends in general. So if you’re significant other doesn’t hit it off with your new friend’s significant other, don’t sweat it. Make it a point to hang out one-on-one with our new pal.
Getting Pickier
As we get older, our priorities begin to shift away from novelty-seeking to towards security and stability. This differs from person to person, but overall, studies show that this gradual shift begins to happen in the late 20s. We tend to seek stability and enjoy security more and more, and we seek this out in our careers, where we live, who we date, and also who we cultivate as friends.
All of this means that as we get older, we tend to get pickier about friends. New friends have a higher standard for us, and we tend to “prune” existing friendships; we tend to let fade away those friendships that aren’t as fulfilling to us.
So, how do you make friends after college?
Given that it’s more difficult to make friends after college, havng a few new strategies under your belt can help you find your new tribe
Get involved in the activities your love-with others
There’s meetup groups for every interest under the sun. If you’re into politics or activism, seek out your local political party chapter. Join a sports league is you love sports, a trivia league if you love arcane knowledge, join a homebrewing class if you’re into beer. You get the idea. If get yourself out there to participate in activities, at least you know that others are into that thing too, and you can go from there to create a new friendship.
Don’t let your ego get in the way
If you’re in a new city, or just looking to meet new friends, don’t feel ashamed of that and say so to others. It can feel awkward, but it’s ok to lead with some vulnerability here and state that you’re looking to meet new friends. Here’s a sample script you can use:
I’m new in town and love soccer, so I joined this soccer league. Honestly, I’m looking for new friends to hang out with and I know this sounds kind of awkward, but would you like to grab a beer sometime with me?
It’s okay to compartmentalize
In High School and College, it’s normal to do everything with your friends. But as we all get older, have divergent interests and limited time, it’s ok for have friends for specific purposes or activities. You might have the friend you discuss books with, friends you go camping with, your co-worker friends for happy hour, and a workout friend.
You’re not type-casting, your seeing how you connect with certain friends and letting that be enough. Don’t feel pressured to be everything to everyone, and don’t expect your friends to do that either.