Forgiveness is hard. Learning to forgive yourself is often the first step to creating a real change in your life or moving in a new direction. There’s a wonderful quote from the celebrated Carl Rodgers that wisely points out:
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
So how do we forgive ourselves for past bad behaviors, bad habits, broken relationships, or just plain not living up to our best selves?
First, Know what Forgiveness is and What it isn’t
Forgiving yourself is very similar to accepting yourself, warts and all. But it’s important to remember that acceptance is not the same as condoning your actions or thinking “it’s OK’ or “it’s no big deal.” Acceptance is simply recognizing your reality, and seeing our mistakes for what they are; mistakes that we made that had some consequences. We need to look these in the eye and really see them before we can move forward. Forgiving yourself is not letting yourself off the hook or excusing yourself.
Don’t Sugarcoat It, But Don’t Unnecessarily Beat Yourself Up Either
We all make mistakes, and forgiving ourselves means we see what we did, and we take responsibility for our part in it. We need to not judge ourselves overly harshly, but we do need to name what we did and see the negative consequences. For example, I was working with a client who was absent for most of his child’s early years due to his own drug addiction. He had a difficult time forgiving himself because his inner dialogue swung between letting himself off the hook and punishing himself by telling himself he was worthless and a horrible person. These two extremes may feel true in different moments, but the truth is in the middle. When we worked together, we came up with the language of “I was selfish and untreated in my addiction for years, this caused a rift in my relationship with my child. I’m working on it, but I know I have a tendency to be selfish, so I will be mindful of this.”
Take It Into Context
Nothing happens in a vacuum. When we make mistakes, when we’re short-sighted or hurtful, there’s usually a contributing factor at play. Maybe it unresolved trauma, maybe we just experienced a loss, maybe we are not taking responsibility to take care of ourselves. Whatever it is, it’s important in the self-forgiveness process to remember and name the context of our actions; not to excuse ourselves, but to ground ourselves in reality and learn from it moving forward.
Right The Wrongs That You Can
No one can rewind the past, but we can be pro-active to right the wrongs that we can. Whether our mistake was yesterday or decades ago, we can all reach out to those that we’ve hurt and apologize. If we can’t do that, we can look at what happened honestly and learn to not make the same mistake again.
Lastly, Let It Go
Forgiving another person means that you don’t get to use what they did as a weapon anymore. There are still consequences our their actions, but you can’t use their mistake to punish them when you’re feeling angry or sad. The same goes for forgiving yourself. When you’re feeling bad about yourself, it’s tempting to replay our past mistakes and beat ourselves up. But when we can take responsibility, and then let it go, we are removing that past mistake from our arsenal of weapons with which we can shame ourselves. This is how self-forgiveness moves us forward. It’s not an east process, but a worthwhile one.