This is a post that’s inspired by our clients who are in therapy for Depression. Sometimes, a part of working through depression is to write a letter for our future selves. This post is a letter that’s reflective of a few different client’s work with us at Thrive Counseling.
A Letter to my (someday) non-depressed self
Hey there. I see you. I know you are hurting. Being depressed is like being locked in a small, gray, windowless room. You can look out at the world but no one can really look in or know what it’s like to be you. The world look flat, dull, and gray. It’s like the Wizard of Oz before the color kicks in when you’re looking at the flat monotone plains and withering fields.
But one day, I know I will come out on the other side of this depression. I’m going to be okay. I will find myself again. I can’t wait to re-discover what joy and contentment feel like.
Depression is real, but coming out of it is also real. I started seeing a therapist today, and it was a bit scary. Initially I felt like contacting a therapist was an admission of failure, or even more scary, an admission of something that was happening that was beyond my control. But being in that room, with that person, I felt seen for the first time in a long time. I learned Depression is real. Depression runs in families. I can do something about it. It’s okay to get some help. And that it’s all going to be okay.
I think that to get beyond this I might need to re-write the rules around what I think governs the world and myself. I’ve already experienced myself doing something brand now; opening up to someone about how I’m feeling (and how long I’ve felt it). I’ve voice some of the scary thoughts that bounce around my head and I didn’t scare my therapist, or get thrown into the hospital. They didn’t look at me funny or seem scared. I learned that feeling worthless, and even having the thought of opting out of this whole thing by suicide is incredibly common.
So what might life on the other side of depression be like?
For me, I’m writing down here my vision for this non-depressed life. With my therapist, I’m keeping this realistic and focusing on my personal goals (having a personalized treatment plan with my therapist is one of the most comforting things-they get that everyone is an individual). So here goes:
One day I’m no longer clinically depressed, but my problems didn’t magically go away. I have a baseline of feeling okay, and I can deal with stressors that come my way. I still have my quirks, my same personality, and my challenges. The difference now is that I don’t proclaim myself to be worthless because of them. Some I’ve actually made my peace with. Some I’m actively working on, with compassion for myself along the way (imagine that!). I also know how (and who) to ask for help. I learned how to ask for help in a way people can hear and easily respond to.
I’m both humbler and more sure of myself. I know I can get through really hard things, and time heals a whole lot. I’ve given myself permission to fail and learn and not be perfect.
Overall, I’m still myself but I can actually deal with things instead of freezing up or going on a “shame spiral” (a great phrase I learned from my therapist).
So, to my depressed self, please read this when you’re feeling discourage. Depression is something happening to you; it’s not the core of your being or your fate. It’s not a personality flaw or residing within you. It’s a constellation of habits; thoughts, behaviors, and feelings. And you can make it to the other side.