Why We Get Angry
Anger is often described as something we need to control. But believing that we are able to control our automatic thoughts and feelings is at times actually setting ourselves up to feel as though we have failed. And guess what tends to happen when we feel like a failure? We get even more depressed, anxious, or angry. We feel angry at ourselves, which can then turn into outbursts of anger towards others. There are so many different reasons for why people get angry. It is sometimes used as a protection (If I am the scary one I can’t get hurt.) Other times it is just a secondary emotion and what is actually under the surface are the real emotions like pain or sadness. For some people it is just what they have always known (i.e. if you grew up in a household of ‘yellers’ that is just how you learned to communicate strong emotions.)
Some people view anger as something that they should be ashamed of and try to hide. While others use their anger in abusive ways- as a means to control others so that they feel powerful. Anger is just part of the human condition. It is something that most all of us have experienced, some of us more frequently and intensely than others. And let’s be real—sometimes there is a lot to be angry about. It only becomes an issue when we allow our anger to be expressed in ways that hurt ourselves or other people. Although anger is often automatic, it is also something that we can learn to manage and channel in ways that are helpful, rather than harmful.
If you get angry frequently and intensely, there is a chance that you find yourself getting on the ‘rollercoaster’ with your anger. That is, you act out in ways when you are angry that you regret after you have calmed down. If you continue with this cycle, you are most likely going to struggle in multiple areas of your life, as well as find it difficult to maintain healthy relationships. Furthermore, there is evidence that shows that excessive anger is related to multiple health issues, including an increased chance of experiencing a stroke. Here are some things to consider trying if you are ready to get off the anger rollercoaster.
How to Manage Anger
Know Your Triggers
We all have “hot buttons.” These are the things that make you angry or irritable if they are said or done to or around you. Maybe you can quickly list your triggers right now. But if not, that’s okay. Just start paying close attention. When you get angry about something, write down what it was. You will hopefully start to notice patterns. If you instead notice that there is no rhyme or reason to your triggers for anger, it is important to consider that there might be an underlying issue such as anxiety, depression, unresolved trauma, etc.
Notice the Warning Signs.
These aren’t always the stereotypical signs of anger such as screaming or becoming physically aggressive. Anger can also show up in subtle ways such as a racing heart, tenseness in your jaw, clenched fists, etc. If you can learn to recognize the signs that show up before your problematic behaviors, then you will also be able to slow the process down and use coping skills as needed in-the-moment. I often hear clients say: “I go from 0 to 60, there are no warning signs.” But as soon as we process a situation in more depth, we are typically able to uncover at least a few warning signs that they just didn’t notice before.
Take Space
If you feel yourself getting upset (noticing your warning signs!), that is the moment you need to take space from whatever situation is triggering your anger. It might feel as though you need to work out that issue with your spouse right then and there, but you don’t. The conversation will have a much better result if you take space, calm down and come back to it when you feel more in control.
Take Deep Breaths
This one always sounds so cliché. But just trust me and try it. If you really lean in and take those big breaths (try five seconds in and five seconds out each breath), you will notice your heart rate going down and your head beginning to clear.
Go for a Walk
When we are angry, we get a lot of physical symptoms (racing heart, feeling tense, crying, etc.) because our body is going into survival mode. What helps most when our body is in survival mode is doing something physical like going for a walk. Being outside for a walk is also great because you can engage in mindfulness practices (i.e. paying attention to what you notice around you, using your five senses) while you are at it.
Tell Yourself a Mantra
When you notice your warning signs for anger, or even if you are already really angry, try repeating a mantra to yourself. Here are some ideas: “This is going to pass,” or “I’m not always going to feel this way.”
Write in a Journal
Sometimes just thinking about things is not enough. Writing down whatever comes to your mind, in an unedited fashion, can provide a sense of relieve. It feels like you are actually “getting it out.”
Written By: Jessica Taylor, LPC