In the past 4 years of doing psychotherapy with a range of individuals experiencing emotional and behavioral struggles, I have noticed one common denominator causing dissatisfaction and suffering in their lives. The inability to hold both; which is the gift of holding two opposing ideas or emotional experiences together- as one-without labeling them “good” or “bad.” People often try to answer which emotion or thought they have is the “right” choice, which causes anxiety and confusion because honestly, what does “right” even mean when it comes to our thoughts and emotions?
As a whole, we choose to think and feel in terms of positive or negative, good and bad, black or white, which is largely due to our conditioning of glamorizing happiness and alienating sadness and fear. By learning to hold both, you honor your thoughts and feelings as they truly are, without needing to decide if they’re acceptable. This middle space suspended from the duality of right and wrong is called the neutral zone. Human beings hate not knowing and we cause ourselves a lot of suffering by believing we need to find the correct way of feeling and thinking. By allowing yourself to rest in this neutral zone, you realize how silly it is to label and judge what you think and feel. There is openness and acceptance of simply what’s there for you, in that moment, which actually creates a safe and loving environment for how to proceed with the issue you were questioning in the first place.
An example; saying “I feel angry, BUT I shouldn’t feel angry due to x, y and z can move into a space of “I feel angry AND I’m allowed to experience this and see what else is here.” I promise you once you begin to practice the art of holding both, you will feel more acceptance for who you are as well as build more compassion for others. Changing your ‘But’s to ‘And’s will be a life changer!
Try it, it can’t hurt.
“No feeling is final” Rilke.
By Laura Berman, LPCc