I had a therapy session today with a brave and insightful young woman who is working hard to get past her past. She was sexually abused as a child, and she wants to move on from it. She says that it haunts her, and that she can’t stop thinking about the past. I was reminded today during our session one of important pillar of the work I do in counseling to get people to move on from their past; that to leave it behind, we actually need to re-visit it.
Not being able to stop thinking about the past can be a sign of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It can also be a sign of just having a difficult time in your life, or feeling ‘stuck’ in general. Usually we try to cope with this by stuffing it down, telling ourselves to stop thinking about it, or focusing only on the present.
Unfortunately, this way of coping doesn’t usually work in the long-term. We may be able to “forget about it” for a while, but it comes up again, often at the most inopportune times. Like when we want to start a new relationship, or be intimate with a partner, or even when things are finally “going right.” That’s when the past can come knocking.
Today I was leading my client in a mindfulness exercise to prepare us for doing her trauma work; which for her is talking about her memories of abuse while I help her self-regulate, be calm, and integrate her feelings. This is hard work, and one of her fears about doing counseling is that he will get “stuck” in the past by talking about it. She’s worried that the bad feelings from the past will seep into the present and overpower her (sound familiar?)
While we were doing a little meditation together, I reminded her that we visit the past, but we don’t live there. We set an intention together to be visit her past, explore it together, and then come back to the present together as well.
It reminded me of one of the core prinicples od trauma treatment; that to move past your past, you have to visit it once again.
So if you are struggling with constant thoughts about your past, or feel ‘stuck’ with it, try to visit it from time to time. Here’s what I recommend:
- Set a time and place that feels calm and you won’t be interrupted to visit your past.
- Set a time limit for yourself to do this, so it doesn’t feel never-ending (15-20 minutes is fine)
- Spent that time visiting the past by journaling about it, looking at pictures taken at that time, or making an art project or collage about it. While you’re doing this, try to stay with any uncomfortable feelings that come up (it’s hard, I know). If you feel overwhelmed, take a break.
- When your time is up, put away your journal, pictures, or art and spend a few minutes coming back to the present. Notice your own breathing or do a quick mindfulness meditation.
- Move on to the next activity that’s engaging for you.
Remember that it’s a process. The first few times you visit the past it may be difficult, but over time it will become easier. Stick with it.