By: Jessica Taylor, LPC
You Can Improve Communication with Your Partner Today–Here’s How
Communication issues come up in all love relationships, and studies show that communication and relationships and/or marital satisfaction go hand-in-hand. Arguments happen and they don’t necessarily mean that you are not a good match. It might mean that you just haven’t learned how to argue yet. Hear me out. Having zero arguments is just not a realistic goal. So, it is important to learn how to disagree in a way that does not damage the relationship long-term and cause resentments.
- Recognize Your Differences
One of the most common factors that contributes to communication issues in love relationships is each person in the relationship having different communication styles. There are some people that want to stick and around and resolve things, no matter how heated it gets. Then there are people that are really good at taking space when things get heated but struggle to come back to finish the conversation. If this is the case, the goal is to meet in the middle. This means taking space when things start to escalate, but then coming back (preferably within 24 hours) to complete the discussion.
- Learn to See Disagreements as “Win-Win”
When we think about arguments, there is often the idea that one person will ‘win’ and the other will ‘lose.’ If we begin an agreement with this mindset, things are more likely to get ugly. The goal of “fair fighting” is for each person to leave the conversation feeling good about the result. There are three steps necessary in accomplishing this:
- Step 1: Validate the other person’s side of the issue (i.e. “I hear you saying that you need my help with dinner right after I get home from work.”)
- Step 2: Share your side of the issue (i.e. “My issue with helping with dinner is that I feel so exhausted from a long day at work.”)
- Step 3: Work to create a compromise (i.e. “How about I take 20 minutes to decompress alone when I get home, and then I will help you with dinner?”)
- Make a Plan
Let’s be honest, once things start to escalate during an argument, it’s really hard to think clearly, let alone act in a skillful way that does not damage the relationship. Therefore, it is important to create a communication plan when things are calm. Examples of questions that you both need to come together to answer are: How do you know when it is time to take space? Where will you each go and what will you do during the time that you are taking space? How long should you take space for?
- Don’t Let Resentments Build
One of the most common reasons for relationships ending is built-up resentments. If your partner does or says something that upsets you, let them know in a skillful way (more on this later). The ideal time frame for sharing your feelings is 24 hours; anything longer than that feels like “garbage dumping” and will likely result in the other person getting defensive.
- Avoid Damaging Behaviors
During arguments it is important to avoid behaviors like swearing, yelling and name-calling. Remember that hurtful things said and done in anger are not forgotten when things have calmed down. This is where taking space comes in. If you feel yourself escalating, taking some space from the situation, and engaging in activities that help you calm down during that time, will help prevent you from saying or doing anything that you will later regret.
- Don’t Point Fingers
If there is an issue that you need to bring up to your partner, it will help reduce defensiveness if you start sentences with “I.” For example, “I felt hurt when you said that you were too busy to spend time with me.” This will probably kick off a more productive conversation than something like “Why don’t you ever want to spend time with me?!”
- Show That You Are Listening
Have you ever noticed how quickly arguments turn into a (metaphorical) ping-pong match? In other words, neither person feels heard by the other, which means that they aren’t making much of an effort to be a good listener. In order to slow the process down it helps to engage in what is called active listening. Examples of non-verbal cues for active listening are eye contact and making sure that your arms are uncrossed, and your body is facing the other person. Here’s how to verbalize active listening: “So this is what I hear you saying…”
- Be Patient!
Improving communication in love relationships for the long-term takes time and patience. If you are both committed to trying new things and showing vulnerability, things will get better with time, consistency, and mutual respect.