By: Catherine Sangi, LPC
Effectively Communicating our Feelings
Do you have trouble communicating your feelings? Do you find that you often shut down when things don’t go the way you expected or tend to lash out at loved ones? As a part of life, it is normal that situations will arise that will negatively impact our emotions. It is easy to default to using passive, passive-aggressive, or even aggressive communication styles. However, if you want to learn how to positively share your thoughts, feelings, and needs while respecting yourself and the other person, try this communication skill referred to as “I-statements”.
All I-statements have the same format:
I feel ___________________
When ___________________
I need / Can you please _____
Below are examples of common situations that could arise that might overload our stress barometer. Decide which communication style will most effectively share your thoughts, feelings, and needs while respecting both yourself and the other person.
A friend is consistently 30 minutes late when you make plans.
Passive: Oh, hi, I wasn’t sure if you were going to come.
Passive-Aggressive: Hi, nice of you to finally show up.
Aggressive: What is wrong with you?! You are the worst. I don’t know why I’m friends with you.
I-Statement: I feel my time is disrespected when you are consistently late. I would appreciate it if you would be honest about your schedule; that way we can make different plans and both use our time most productively.
Your partner comes home 2 hours later than originally stated.
Passive: *ignore your partner and not talk to them for 24 hours*
Passive-Aggressive: I was about to file a missing person’s report.
Aggressive: Do you have any idea what time it is! You don’t care about my feelings or our relationship.
I-Statement: I feel worried and scared when I don’t hear from you for two hours; in the future can you please check in with me if you are going to be late?
A family member comments on your weight
Passive: Yeah, no, you’re right I should go to the gym more.
Passive-Aggressive: Okay I’ll get right on that with the 1000 other things on my schedule.
Aggressive: The holidays were really stressful and I mean have you looked at yourself?!
I-Statement: I feel hurt when you comment on my appearance. I need you to no longer do that, otherwise I will have to limit the time I spend with you for my own mental health.
Any new skill is hard to start and difficult to form into a habit. However, if you are more intentional with your words and try to “stop and think” before you speak – you too can incorporate I-statements into your everyday vernacular!