By: Jessica Taylor, LPC
Sometimes it feels impossible to connect with your teenage. Maybe you’re worried about them and want to see how they’re doing. Perhaps you simply miss them. Keeping a strong connection with your teen can head off mental health issues before they arise. If your teen is already struggling with anxiety, depression, identity or eating issues, connection is vitally important.
Do Schedule Meals Together-With No Technology
With busy schedules making the days fly by, scheduling family dinners is often the best way to get in some much-needed quality time. But be sure to not let this precious time together pass by with everyone having their eyes on an electronic device. There may be some pushback at first, but with consistency, eating together without distractions will become the norm.
Don’t Ask Open-Ended Questions
How rich would you be if you have a dollar for every time your teenager answered the question “How was your day?” with “Fine?” The trick to getting a bit more information is instead asking close-ended questions. A really great way to check-in with your child each day is to ask them what their ‘high’ (the best part) of their day was, and what their ‘low’ (the worst part) was. This way, they will hopefully give you information about specific events about which you can ask follow-up question. But don’t pry! If they don’t want to answer your follow-up questions and push them to answer anyway, this will only frustrate them and create more distance between the two of you.
Do Work on Building Trust–That Goes Both Ways
Just as it is important for you to trust your teenager, is it also important that they trust you. This is the foundation of a good connection. There are two key parts of building your teenager’s trust. The first is showing that you hear them when they are telling you anything about their life (even if it doesn’t seem important—it’s important to them!) The second thing is to make sure that you are careful in your responses. If they feel as though you are going to have a big scary reaction to something that they tell you, they are going to keep it to themselves instead. It’s okay to be a little freaked out about them telling you that other kids at school got in trouble for drinking. But instead of responding in an emotional and/or judgmental way, take a deep breath and ask a few follow-up questions and reiterate your rules and expectations regarding the matter– in a calm voice.
Don’t Force It
If your teenager feels as though they are forced to have long conversations with you when they don’t want to, they are going to become even more resistant. In addition, at this time in their life it is typical for teenagers to prioritize peer connections over quality time their family. Try not to take this personally; chances are they will come back around if you stay present while also giving them space when appropriate.
Do Meet Them Where They Are
You may be wondering where your bubbly outgoing child has gone, but it is completely normal for even the most extroverted teenager to become somewhat distant. If this is the case, try to meet them where they are. Have brief moments of quality time more often, rather than all-day excursions where they are just going to complain about missing out on all of the fun things that their friends are doing. Try the high/low check-in at mealtimes rather than asking them to sit and talk with you for an extended period of time.
Don’t Loosen Up on Appropriate Rules and Consequences
Having a good connection with your teenager does not mean that you need to let go of maintaining necessary and appropriate rules and expectations. It is developmentally appropriate for your teenager to push the boundaries. Knowing that, it is even more important to stay consistent with holding those boundaries. Try to continue to provide a balance of both warmth and structure.
Do Let Them Have a Say
Let your child pick the activity you do for quality time. This might mean that you are spending an hour watching them play a video game. You don’t have to be super excited about this, but if you lean in and show interest in what they are interested in, they are more likely to let you into their world going forward.