How to Communicate More Effectively with Your Teenager
Inside the Teenage Mind
Does it feel like just yesterday that your child was excited to see you, running into your arms after a long day? And now maybe you are finding their smiles few and far between. Or they roll their eyes at everything you say. Don’t feel bad if you are not exactly loving the raising-an-adolescent phase of parenting. I’m sure you have heard other parents commiserating about how difficult it is to raise teenagers (even though most of us think “but my kid won’t be like that.”) But why are teenagers so tough? Well, there are few important reasons for this sudden and severe shift in many teenagers’ personalities.
Psychologist Erik Erikson explained that human development takes place over the entire life span and includes eight different stages of development. Between the ages of 12 and 18, your child is likely in stage five of their developmental cycle, known as “identity versus confusion.” During this stage, the priority is finding one’s own identity, outside of their role as child to their parents. In addition, connecting and fitting in with their peers is their number one goal. They are seeking independence, which often creates conflict at home.
In addition to the psycho-social changes happening for your child during this time, there is also important brain development occurring. During adolescence, the brain has begun making neural connections just as quickly as it did when your child was born (remember how rapidly they developed new abilities during that time?) This, coupled with the hormonal shifts happening, is a major contributing factor to why your teenager’s mood and affect appear to shift with the wind.
Why Being Mindful of Communication with Your Teenager is Important
On the outside, it may appear that your teenager has no interest in you, or worse, is bothered by everything you say and do. But just like during the toddler years, they are still watching your every move. If you model good communication strategies (against all odds!), they will hopefully carry these skills into future relationships with supervisors at work or significant others.
In addition, a large part of the attachment type we have in relationships during adulthood are formed by the attachment we had with our parents. Your child needs to know that even when they act unlovable at times (as we all do at different points of our life), they are still worthy of love. By sticking it out with them through these difficult teenage years, you are setting them up for healthy relationships in the future.
The Do’s and Don’ts of Communicating with Your Teenager
- Don’t try to resolve things when your teenager is already escalated.
If your child is showing signs of being angry or just generally dysregulated, now is not the time to have a conversation, unless it is about a neutral topic. When we are emotional, we are in what is often referred to as our “lizard brain.” In our lizard brain, we are thinking and acting from a place of emotion, not reason. Wait until your child is calm to have more difficult conversations. No, they are not ‘winning’ if you wait until things are calm. You are actually maintaining your control over the situation by determining the best time to discuss things.
- Do have a plan for if your teenager escalates during the conversation.
Along the same lines, if during a conversation or argument with your teenager you start to notice (verbal or nonverbal) signs of escalation, it is time to take space and come back to the conversation later. Say something like “I’m feeling myself getting upset, let’s take a few hours to calm down and come back to this conversation at that time.”
- Don’t raise your voice.
Do the best you can to not engage in negative behaviors such as yelling, swearing or name-calling. Remember that you are trying to model good communication skills for your child. In addition, you will receive more respect from your child if they see you showing them the same. If you do or say something that you regret during an argument, that’s okay—you are a human! And that provides you with the perfect opportunity to model how to apologize when necessary in order to repair a relationship.
- Don’t take the bait.
Like I said earlier, your kid is watching you like a hawk. Unfortunately, this means that they probably know your “hot buttons” like the back of their hand. During an argument, they are going to know exactly what to say to get you angry or make you sad. If they push one of these buttons, and you feel yourself going into lizard brain, take space. Come back when you are calm and say something like: “It really hurt me when you said that I don’t care about you.”
- Do show that you are listening.
We constantly stress to our children the importance of listening. But are you showing your teenager that you are hearing them? This includes nonverbal cues (making eye contact, not having your phone in your hand, nodding, and facing your entire body toward them) and verbal cues (repeating back what you hear them saying, asking follow-up questions).
- Do validate your teenager’s feelings (even if you don’t agree!)
Here’s a simple way to validate your kid’s feelings without agreeing: “So I’m hearing you say that you are upset that I’m not allowing you to stay out late tonight. I understand why you would feel that way when all of your friends are allowed to stay out late.” You are not giving in or even agreeing, but you are letting them know that you fully hear them. This is possible while still holding firm to a consequence or boundary that you have set.
- If appropriate, give your teenager choices.
Going back to thinking about the developmental stage of your teenager, it boils down to them really just wanting to feel independent. If you can give them a few options to choose from, they are going to feel as though they are a part of the decision making process, which will likely reduce conflict.