Sexual assault survivors commonly have difficulty with intimacy after their assault. It makes sense, right? You’ve been violated in a deeply personal way and the realm of sex doesn’t feel safe anymore. Survivors often feel disconnected from their own bodies and have to deal with triggers around sex.
However, most of the survivors that I work with really do want to be intimate again, even if that’s a scary thought. Part of the healing process is re-claiming your own sexuality and feeling comfortable again both in your own skin and with a sensitive partner. Here’s four ways to begin that journey:
1. Start with just yourself
I tell my clients that, after a sexual assault, we need to begin re-introducing sexual activity in the safest place possible, and that is usually just with yourself. With your partner involved, there are just more things to navigate. Begin with experimenting on your own with sensual things and then move on to sexual things. For example, begin with a hot bath and putting lotion on yourself. Then move on to being sexual with yourself through fantasy, self-touch, and any sexual media that you like.
2. Talk about it with your partner
Your partner does not need to know that you are a sexual assault survivor if you don’t feel comfortable sharing that. However, it helps if they know that you need to feel safe to be intimate. Help your partner to understand what feels safe and what does not feel safe. Establish a shared vocabulary so that they can check in with you during intimacy. For example, your partner could say ‘are you still with me?’ or ‘should we keep going?’
3. Take the pressure off
Survivors often feel like they need to rush to re-claim their sexual lives, and that intimacy after an assault must be great in order to ‘get over’ the assault. But the fact is that it may take some time. Intimacy is a time to connect and nurture each other, not a performance. Don’t feel like you need to ‘jump back in’, just do as much or as little as you feel comfortable.
4. Practice using your voice
During a sexual assault, your voice and volition were taken away. The perpetrator did not get consent and did not listen to you. For intimacy after an assault, practice using your voice in a positive way, by stating clearly what you want and need from your partner. Even by yourself, practice deciding what you like and don’t like, and stop anything that doesn’t feel interesting any more. It’s helpful to give yourself experiences of using your voice and having your wishes responded to in a sensitive and respectful way. For example, with your partner you could say ‘I’d really like to try this’ or ‘I thought I would like this but I don’t, let’s switch it up.’