First of all, the fact that you are reading makes you a great partner already. You’re sensitive to the fact that your partner has been sexually abused in some way, and you want to avoid any triggers or situations that are uncomfortable. We get this question often from caring partners like you, so here’s four ways to be a good sexual partner to someone who has been abused:
Ask for consent every time, for every thing.
I know this sounds like overkill, but believe me it’s vitally important to your partner. It doesn’t have to kill the mood either! Here’s some ways to ask for consent:
-I’d really like to ________________, is that ok?
-I want to connect with you, can we have sex?
-I’d love to try ______________ together, is that ok?
It may take some time or practice for your partner to get used to say ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ Survivors of sexual abuse of any kind were never asked their consent, and so they may believe that their consent doesn’t matter. They may be shy about verbalizing their own wants, or focus on yours to distract themselves from uncomfortable feelings. If you lead the way in asking for consent, they will feel safe and loved.
Follow their lead
Recovery from sexual abuse takes time, and it’s often the case that the last piece of work in recovery is to re-connect with one’s own sexuality. So be patient and follow your partner’s lead in all things bedroom-related. Be aware that they may be sensitive to anything that feels like pressure, so go out of your way to look for their cues and ask them what they feel like doing.
Debrief after sex
I know this sounds formal, but I don’t mean you need to have a board meeting after every sexual encounter. But you do need to communicate about what’s working, what’s not and how your partner is feeling. Think of it as a way to touch base once in a while about how you are connecting. Here’s some ways to talk about it:
-How was that for you? I really like when we ________________
-You seemed a bit distracted, is there anything you want to talk about?
-Did I do anything that was triggering for you?
-I’m curious if there’s anything I do that makes you feel especially safe?
Be the anti-abuser
You get to play a very special role in your partner’s recovery: you get to show him or her what loving, safe, and connected intimacy looks like. By modeling getting consent, talking about sex openly and gently, and following their lead, you are giving them what we counselors call a ‘corrective emotional experience.’ This is a very big gift. It’s a way to show them an alternative to abuse, control, and neglect. You get to model respect, kindness and loving boundaries.
At Thrive Counseling, we do trauma therapy for survivors in Denver. Our Denver trauma counselors are ready to meet for a free consultation.