By: Jessica Taylor, LPC
When you first start dating that new person, everything feels so exciting. Things might even feel perfect. But then there usually comes a time where you start to wonder things like: “is this my person?” Or maybe after a few months some issues arise, and you think: “is this person good for me…is this the right relationship?”
As a therapist that specializes in relationships, it is unfortunately impossible for me to tell my clients definitively whether a relationship is the ‘right’ one for them to stay in. This is because for one, I do not see their relationship firsthand when working with them in individual counseling. I only hear their take on things, and as we know, this can be distorted due to things such as our attachment type getting triggered, which causes us to process through our emotions.
Pro tip: when things are filtered through our emotions, they are almost always distorted in some way. Because our emotions are well, emotional. They lack reason until we learn to integrate them into the rationale side of our brain. Therapists that practice DBT call this our “wise mind.”
In addition, it is also difficult to advise a client on the healthiness of their relationship, because people and relationships are so unique. There is not a “one size fits all” approach for this stuff. Wouldn’t life be so much easier if there was?
Knowing all of this, there are still warning signs, or “red flags,” that you can keep an eye out for, when dating or in a relationship, and wondering whether this is the person for you.
Here are six warning signs that I have learned through training, as well as working on relationships with hundreds of clients throughout the years.
Warning sign #1: You don’t know where you stand with the other person.
Knowing where you stand with someone means that you don’t feel unsure about whether they care about you and/or want to spend time with you. It is so scary making ourselves vulnerable in a relationship, so a lot of times we fall into these traps of “game playing.” For example, if you find yourself waiting a certain amount of time to respond to texts, this is probably a sign that you feel unsure of how the other person feels about you, and you don’t want to come across as too ‘needy’ or desperate. In a healthy relationship, things are just naturally moving forward. Sure, there might be a bit of anxiety and overthinking, but you don’t wonder if the other person wants to date you exclusively. And they don’t leave you wondering if they will ever reach out to make plans again.
If the weekend is approaching and you still have not heard from the person you are dating, this might be a sign that that they do not value your time. This often leads to holding off on making plans with friends to keep an open schedule for the person we are dating; but this is just a road to alienating our friends and setting ourselves up for disappointment. Don’t do this! If someone values your time, they will be chomping at the bit to line up the next time you will see each other. And you deserve that level of commitment.
Warning Sign #2: You seem to be fighting more often than not.
This may seem obvious, but in the early stages of a relationship, often referred to as the “honeymoon phase,” there should be minimal to no arguing. These early stages should feel exciting! You are still getting to know one another, and feelings of infatuation often cloud things so that we are not as annoyed by behaviors or quirks that we might be once we get to really know someone. If there is a lot of fighting in those first few months of a relationship, it might be time to accept that you are just not compatible with this person. Because if things are tough in the beginning stages of a relationship, the chances of them getting easier as things go on are very low.
Later in the relationship arguments will of course come up; but think of things in terms of the “80/20 rule.” Are you happy around 80% of the time when you are with this person? Do things in the relationship feel as though they continue to move in the right direction (i.e. you are both on the same page with what you want out of the relationship)?
Warning Sign #3: You think they might be love bombing you.
Love bombing seems to be an overused term these days, but it is important to know what this is, so you can keep an eye out for it. In the very beginning stages of a new relationship, we are of course supposed to be really into each other. But this is also a time to get to know one another fully, before committing to forever. Love bombing often looks like saying “I love you” too soon into the relationships (like, after knowing each other days or weeks), big gestures, and talking about a distant future together before you even know their middle name. One of the reasons love bombing is worrisome is because it is often something done by people who end up being controlling, or worse, abusive.
The relationships that are sustained the longest are those that are more of a slow burn. Sure, there is sometimes that ‘spark’ at the beginning, but a strong and respectful friendship is the strongest foundation for a long-lasting love.
Warning Sign #4: When you bring up concerns, they gaslight or minimize.
In a healthy relationship, it is important to feel as though you can speak your mind (in a respectful manner) without feeling as though the other person is going to minimize your feelings or gaslight you. Gaslighting is another one of those buzzwords that has made its way into the zeitgeist. And it is often used incorrectly. When someone is gaslighting you, it means they are trying to make you question your reality, which can be psychologically damaging when done repeatedly. (For example, after finding inappropriate texts between your girlfriend and her male ‘friend,’ her response to you asking questions in a respectful way might be something like this: “He’s just a friend! Why do you always act so controlling and crazy?”)
If you find yourself holding back in expressing your thoughts and feelings (good or bad) ask yourself why—is it because your partner has responded negatively to you sharing these things in the past, or is it because you are just scared of being vulnerable? These are two completely different situations, but both would need to be addressed. You will need to either address your concerns with your partner or learn to manage the triggers that are causing you to “hold back.”
Warning Sign #5: When you fight, there are low blows.
Here is what you need to know: things that are said in anger are remembered. It doesn’t matter if you mean them or just want to hurt the other person in the moment because you are angry or feeling hurt yourself. Cussing, yelling, and name calling are abusive and often result in long-term damage to your relationship. Resentments held are one of the most common reason relationships end. Think of your relationship as a piece of vintage furniture. Every dent you put in it will be there forever. Learn to “fight fair” instead. This means being able to have respectful conversations where we take space as needed, and then work together to come to an understanding or compromise. Arguments are normal and healthy. It is HOW we argue that makes or breaks relationships.
Warning Sign #6: Your attachment styles are at odds.
There is SO much to say about the impact of adult attachment styles on dating and relationships. If you want to learn more about this, here is another blog I wrote on the topic. But simply put, there are times when we can absolutely adore someone, but things just don’t work out because our attachment styles are working against one another. There are ways to work through this, such as learning how to recognize and manage our triggers for anxiety or avoidance. Reading a book, or seeing a therapist that specializes in attachment are great places to start.
Have questions about any of these points? Reach out today, one of our relationship therapists would love to talk with you!