By: Jessica Taylor, LPC
Are you worried that you might be a people-pleaser? As a therapist, I know that people-pleasing is something that a lot of people struggle with. Clients are constantly asking me to help them stop being such a people-pleaser. If you think that you might be a people-pleaser, keep reading to learn about the traits of people-pleasing, how it can negatively impact your life, and how to stop engaging in people-pleasing behaviors.
A Few Initial Thoughts on People-Pleasing
First, I kind of despise that term- “people pleasing.” I think that we need to find a different one. Maybe I’m alone in this, but I think it has a negative sound to it, when in reality, people-pleasing should not be something considered shameful, as it is so common! And it actually has some positive aspects to it. It often means that you care about other people and that you value forming connections with others.
But despite all of that, the tendency to people-please does need to be addressed, because people-pleasing ultimately means you are putting yourself completely on the backburner. You are worthy of connections that are not reliant on you putting your needs, emotions, etc. on the side in order to keep other people happy. And finally, the people who genuinely love and care for you don’t want you to put your needs last. They want you to speak up and get your needs met and your feelings heard!
Are You a People-Pleaser?
Are you unsure of whether you even are a people pleaser? Well, then ask yourself these questions:
- Do you struggle to say ‘no’ or set appropriate boundaries with others?
- Are you scared of others being mad at you, or seeing you in a negative light?
- Do you feel like your needs come after everyone else’s?
- Do you want everyone to like you, even the people that you don’t like?
- Do you ruminate or obsess about what others think of you?
- Are you always saying “sorry” for things, even if they weren’t your fault?
- Do you feel as though you hide your “true self” because you are worried others won’t like what they see?
- Do you struggle with low self-esteem, as evidenced by often buying into negative thoughts about yourself?
If you answered yes to a lot of these questions, you are probably a people pleaser. `
How People-Pleasing Can Negatively Impact Your Life
There are a lot of negative ways that “people pleasing” can impact our daily functioning, our self-esteem, and mental health. Here are a few of those ways:
–You are setting a bad precedent in relationships.
–You could get taken advantage of.
–It can cause resentments and hurt feelings in your relationships
–It will lower your self-esteem.
–It can lead to symptoms of anxiety or depression.
If You’re a People-Pleaser, What Should You Do About it?
- You must believe that you CAN stop people-pleasing!
- Start by repeating after me: “Not everyone needs to like me! Not every single person is my “cup of tea,” so why would I be every single person’s “cup of tea?”
- Of course, knowing that someone is mad at you, or doesn’t like you is an uncomfortable feeling, but is avoiding that discomfort worth feeling like a doormat?
- Get real with yourself—explore where the people-pleasing comes from (i.e.: trauma, family systems, low self-esteem) This work is best done with a therapist, because simply put, it can be painful or just kind of hard to do on your own, without an outside perspective.
- Spend time WITH yourself, not just BY yourself. This can be done by doing things like journaling or meditating about your thoughts and feelings.
- Find and engage in hobbies that make you feel good and/or challenge you.
- Write down the personal traits and skills that you want to develop.
- List the things that you already like about yourself.
- Say “no” to something and sit with any uncomfortable feelings that come up with that.
- REPEAT! This takes practice and the urge to people-please may always come up, but if you keep practicing these things, then the people-pleasing behaviors will become less powerful over time. Your self-worth will become more powerful than the urge to people-please.
So, there you have it! How to start the process of not being a people-pleaser any longer. If you feel that you might need help in your journey to stop people-pleasing, therapy is a great place to start.