How To Handle Concerning Behaviors in Your Teenage Child
By: Jessica Taylor, LPC
Raising a teenager can feel exhausting, confusing, and at times even scary. You probably know that they are going through tons of physiological changes (hello, hormones), that are impacting their emotions and behaviors significantly. But maybe you are unsure of what should be considered “normal” teenage behaviors and what behaviors you need to be concerned about. Furthermore, if you are noticing concerning behaviors in your teenager, you may feel powerless. They are no longer the toddler having a tantrum that you are able to pick up and put in their crib. Here’s how to tell the difference between developmentally appropriate behaviors and what you need to be concerned about, as well as the action steps that are available.
Typical Behavior Changes that May Occur During the Teenage Years
- Changes in appearance.
- Increase in arguments and rebellious behaviors.
- Mood swings, including increase in irritability.
- Experimentation with drugs and/or alcohol.
- More focused on friends than family.
Warning Signs of a Troubled Teen
- Changes in appearance are coupled with behavioral issues, self-harm, or sudden weight gain or loss.
- There is a pattern of physical aggression that is resulting in physical fights and/or run-ins with the law.
- Their mood issues are persistent, and include one of the following: falling grades, staying in bed all day, mentions of suicide or self-harm.
- Drug or alcohol use is habitual (daily or almost daily) and coupled with issues at school or home.
What You Can Do If You Are Worried About Your Teenager
- Talk to a doctor or therapist. If you are unsure of where to start, consider sharing your concerns with your child’s pediatrician. They have most likely known your child before they were in their teenage years and will be able to provide you with some good resources.
- Consider family therapy. If your child is resistant to speaking with a therapist on their own, don’t push it. You want them to have a good feeling about therapy, which will not happen if they feel ‘forced’ into it. They may feel more open to beginning the process of therapy if you are also involved, and things are discussed as a family issue rather than only a teenager issue.
- Only discuss your concerns with your child when you feel calm and in control. Sometimes we think that if we don’t address issues with our child in-the-moment, we are letting them ‘win,’ or get away with something. But these difficult conversations are likely going to result in your child becoming defensive and possible dysregulated. If you are not regulated yourself, things are probably going to escalate to an unproductive or even dangerous place.
- Avoid behaviors that only escalate situations further. Going along with making sure you are regulated, prepare yourself for the chance that your teenager is going to actively try to push your “hot buttons” to get a response from you. For example, if they slam a door in your face, your instinct is probably to open it and tell them why that is unacceptable. But that in that moment, that is only going to make things worse. Wait until you are both calm again and then give them a consequence if necessary.
- Make sure you are having regular moments of uninterrupted quality time. They may complain or roll their eyes, but make it a priority to have at least a few family dinners a week where no screens are present. Go around the table and have everyone share the best and worst parts of their day.
- Listen without distraction or judgement. Everything your child is telling you is important to them. If you are distracted by a phone or something else when they are trying to tell you something small, they are going to take that as a sign that they can’t come to you with anything, big or small. Furthermore, try not to give advice unless they ask for it. And if you criticize their friends, this might put unnecessary space between you and your teenager.
- Prepare yourself for rejection. Teenagers are like cats. They usually need to spend time and communicate with you on their terms. They are focused on feeling independent right now, and that means differentiating themselves from primary caregivers. Have a mantra ready that you can repeat to yourself when you are hurt or angered by your teen pushing you away.
- Maintain consistency with expectations, rules, and consequences. It is your teenager’s developmental job right now to try to push the boundaries. So that means it is your job to give them freedom and independence when possible, but also stay consistent with the boundaries you have in place.
- Help them find appropriate coping skills. If you notice that your child is consistently struggling to regulate their own emotions, help them find some strategies. Examples include hanging up a punching bag or signing them up for a writing class.
- Give them space. When you are concerned about your child the last thing you want to do is have them out of your sight. But part of them trusting you is feeling as though you trust them. If they ask for space or time alone, give it to them (unless there are urgent safety concerns.)
Resources:
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/helping-troubled-teens.htm#