If your loved one has been sexually assaulted or sexually abused in the past, it can be very difficult to know how best to support them. Here’s a reference of Do’s and Don’ts for the survivor in your life.
DO
- Be informed about sexual assault. Learn about common trauma effects and know what to expect.
- Be available, both emotionally and physically.
- Listen to your loved one if they want to talk to you.
- Help them problem-solve and offer suggestions if they are open to it, and always after listening and validating their feelings.
- Avoid any statements that may seem judgmental to the survivor; they already struggle with self-blame.
- Remind them of their strengths.
- Encourage them.
- Mirror the parts of their personality that they find positive.
- Help them engage in fun and interesting activities.
- Respect their need for boundaries and privacy.
- If the survivor is your intimate partner, make sure to talk about sexual boundaries and be patient in this area.
- Gently challenge shame and self-blame by reminding survivors that it’s not their fault, and you are glad that they survived.
DON’T
- Ask too many questions about the assault itself; it’s understandable to be curious or want to know, but be wary of asking questions only to help your own feelings rather than to support them.
- Treat them with kid gloves; this can re-enforce negative thinking patterns that they are ‘broken’ or ‘damaged’ in some way.
- Bring up the assault if they do not want to talk about it.
- Assume that all of their feelings are related to the assault; everyone can have a bad day.
- Try to rescue them from their feelings or “fix” them.
- Expect them to return quickly to how they were “before.” Be very patient and understand that a sexual assault will change a survivor.
If your loved one needs counseling, help them set up an appointment. If you need support for yourself, don’t hesitate to reach out to a local counselor as well, your feelings are important.